Comments on: That old chestnut – judgment

By: AlisaK

AlisaK — Wed, 29 Jan 2014 14:40:09 +0000

Thanks for the comment!
Yeah, it’s funny how the same society that pretends there is equality and choice still really wants to judge which choice you make – making them good and bad and therefore not actually a choice at all.

By: Mieneke

Mieneke — Wed, 29 Jan 2014 13:55:23 +0000

I know I’m almost two weeks late commenting on this, but this, so much this:

“And for some reason, I’ve become aware that I really seem to care about “what they think”.”

That is exactly how I felt after I gave birth to Emma. As for the feeding, I struggled with Emma to make it to six months, because “you have to do at least 6 months to get the best results” and I felt incredibly guilty when I decided I was done after 3 months with Cat because my milk stopped coming in enough when I had to pump due to having to go back to work. Because I’d done six months with Emma, how could I do less for Cat? But you know what, both me and Cat were far happier around feeding time after switching to the bottle and she’s just as healthy as her sister.

It’s baffling to me how much society seems to think it can judge women for the choices they make in their motherhood, from giving birth, to feeding, to how you raise your child (discipline/no discipline, compliment/not compliment etc.) it drives me bonkers. And I’m going to stop here before going into a rant But I just wanted to say go you for making the choices that are good for you and bubs and talking about it too!

By: AlisaK

AlisaK — Sat, 18 Jan 2014 03:24:16 +0000

“Why are we as a society so geared towards making women (and mothers in PARTICULAR) feel like they are making the wrong choice constantly? As if we don’t have individual lives and individual needs?”
It’s an interesting question. I think if you can distract people by making them feel bad, inadequate, wrong, you can control them. When really, people raising other people hold a lot of power …

By: Tansy Rayner Roberts

Tansy Rayner Roberts — Fri, 17 Jan 2014 21:56:18 +0000

A lot of the culture about breastfeeding now has come about because for a couple of generations, doctors, nurses and society in general worked so hard to deny women the choice to breastfeed, and make them feel bad about it, that there is now a mass attempt to compensate for this.

Unfortunately, it’s gone far too far the other way, so that the earnest attempt to help women with breastfeeding and to build a culture that supports them has become, as you say, massively antagonistic towards bottle feeding.

Why are we as a society so geared towards making women (and mothers in PARTICULAR) feel like they are making the wrong choice constantly? As if we don’t have individual lives and individual needs?

By: AlisaK

AlisaK — Fri, 17 Jan 2014 13:09:39 +0000

Oh I am a BIG fan of drugs. And of medical science! I think it’s fine for everyone to make their own choices but again, pain isn’t an even playing field – it’s different for everyone so how can anyone judge the call for anyone else? My big thing from 2013 is – context is everything.

Watching them experience things for the first time and get competent at things is awesome. Yesterday she discovered her feet for the first time and I stood and watched and realised I didn’t want to be anywhere else than there for all of those firsts. And yeah – finding out who they are going to be and what kind of person – it’s all very exciting.

By: AlisaK

AlisaK — Fri, 17 Jan 2014 13:04:15 +0000

Oh for sure that a c-section is no fun in the park! It was though most definitely the right choice for me, which I really felt to my core when I got on the table right before they started. I don’t regret the choice at all – both for how it helped me stay mentally robust and also because my Crohn’s really was under control.

I agree that we should cut ourselves slack – as long as we do our best, we can’t ask more from ourselves.

By: AlisaK

AlisaK — Fri, 17 Jan 2014 13:00:39 +0000

You don’t see your c-section as your birth story?
I think the thing about parenting is that you learn on the job and by the time you know how to do things, it’s no longer relevant – I think that’s the same for everyone!

By: Mel

Mel — Fri, 17 Jan 2014 12:50:27 +0000

If I had of just stuck with straight breast feeding I think Jadzia would have died .She was struggling to put on weight before we left the hospital and in the end even with breast and formula we had to put her on solids earlier (which we got flack for ). Never got flack for having a caesar (not that I had any choice since she was breech)but did feel slightly sad that I didn’t much of a birth story . I’ve found so many things about being a parent after the fact cos there seems to be secrets mum’s and parents business .

By: Helen

Helen — Fri, 17 Jan 2014 11:14:52 +0000

Whoever says a c-section is the easy option has obviously never had to recover from one! You have every right to make your own decisions with regard to your body and your child. No-one else knows your situation better than you do and I’m glad you’ve found some support.
My milk disappeared when I was ill – my son was 4 1/2 months old – and after nearly a week of an obviously hungry baby and the infant health nurse telling me just to persevere I unilaterally decided to put him on formula despite the disapproval radiating around me. It was hard to hold to that decision but it was the right one for us both and I’m sure whatever decision you make will be right for you.
The thing is we always think as mothers that everyone else has it all together and that’s not true because we only see the public face of these other women. I’m sure there are those lucky mothers who do manage everything with no trouble but for the rest of us it’s just managing as best we can. What is right for one isn’t for others and doing our best is all we can ask of ourselves.

By: Emma

Emma — Fri, 17 Jan 2014 06:33:27 +0000

Similar issues with women giving birth with and without drugs. I had drugs – all of them, and I reckon the epidural probably was the easier option over a c- section given the recovery time!
Women are classic at judging each other aren’t we.
I’m glad you are successfully working your way through your motherhood experience. Stay strong and I love the way of looking at it that Chris said. I will definitely miss all the stages of Zac’s growth but there are definitely bonuses at each stage too.
Em xo

By: AlisaK

AlisaK — Fri, 17 Jan 2014 05:06:18 +0000

Thanks. Yeah you know, in my case, there just isn’t enough milk so it’s not really a choice. But getting to that point seemed rather laboured and unnecessary in the end. But I also think, if you choose formula for other reasons – like you just don’t want to breastfeed, it shouldn’t be treated as though it’s in the same category as choosing not to feed your baby at all.

I have to say I had a good experience in the way the medical staff and those around me treated me in my childbirth. For me, the feelings I have are more to do with people beyond that circle of scope. But yeah – so much of this is set up as a no-win situation.

By: Melina D

Melina D — Fri, 17 Jan 2014 05:00:37 +0000

Oh, big hugs. Personally, I don’t think it’s giving in to mix feed (or formula feed completely), I think it’s weighing up all the different elements and making the best choice for your baby and you – breast might be ‘best’, but not if you’re not getting enough of it! Thank goodness for the doctor who took a holistic view!

The c-section thing resonates with me too – the ‘too posh to push’ thing is the most awful judgemental statement which completely denies the fact that there’s a thinking, feeling woman behind it (plus, c-sections aren’t particularly posh when you’re trying to stand up after them!) And while people are all fussing about the number of elective c-sections, they’re also chastising people who want natural births and telling them they’re being unrealistic – we simply can’t win! (I have *feelings* about how women are treated through childbirth)