Champagne and Socks

I am going to sneak this book review in before the end of the year!

If, over the holiday period, you find yourself hankering for something new and different to read, something you’ve not come across before, something challenging and uncomfortable, bizarre yet sublime, I suggest you head over to Cheeky Frawg and check out Jagannath by Swedish writer Karin Tidbeck.

Easily one of the stand out collections for 2012, Jagannath is unlike anything else I have encountered in the field. Tidbeck’s voice and perspective are fresh and new and her style walks well into the weird side.

Here is the part of a review where I should tell you which are the strong stories in the collection; which are those I most enjoyed. But I didn’t read this book that way – I  read it in essentially two sittings, two very surreal train rides book-ending my work day. This alone is extraordinary for me, to inhale a book that way. But Tidbeck is intoxicating. You don’t necessarily understand everything she is doing or can predict where she is going but that is absolutely the fun. She is a completely unique voice. And this book deserves to be read as one whole, far far greater than the sum of the individual stories with in which feel like different shades of something greater.

Do yourself a favour and grab a copy – eBook available at Wizard Towers Books or the hard copy which I read via Amazon.

Teachers are amazing people. As news has slowly trickled out of Connecticut this weekend I’ve been focusing on the brave acts of those teachers – the love, the protection, the good in the face of as yet inexplicable evil. I’m not sure any explanation would make us understand what happened in those classrooms. And I don’t know if this heinous terrifying thing will change much in the US in relation to gun control. But when you focus on what the average person is most likely to do in a situation like that – hide children in cupboards and stand in the way of the bullets, it changes the way you see the world -not as a minefield of evil and terror at every turn but filled with people who are brave, and courageous and compassionate and kind.

Rather than focus on all that is wrong and maybe all that cannot be changed, why not ask the question – why not? Or even how about? or what if? It’s amazing what can happen when you decide not to accept the status quo if you don’t like it.

Here is an absolutely inspiring video of a teacher in the South Bronx who didn’t accept that things cannot be better:

Which brings me to my own very inspiring situation with a teacher who asked why not? Why not be happy? Why not try? Why not find a way to make it happen? Why not strive for something beyond your grasp? Why not think outside the box?

I was wandering around to do looking at a new printer and binder company. I got taken on a tour of all their machines which were in use and I got to see books of all shapes and sizes being made. And I thought “I love my life” – that it involves a random tour of a binding machine. Because I really love publishing, every stage in the process of making a book, I love it.

And so. I can’t believe that next year I will be doing it full time. For a couple of months Helen has been saying to me – you should really think about doing a phd. And you know, I laughed at the crazy lady. I failed to complete such an endeavour once before, could I really be trusted down this path again? Course that time I did not have a scholarship and I had to work at the same time. Helen argued that this time would be different because I would do it in something that I love and that I already know stuff about. Again I kinda brushed it off. But things have been looking grim on the day job front for a while. I don’t much talk about that here and I won’t go into it now but it’s no secret that government agencies are having their budgets cut. And I’ve been on short term contracts for a while. For about the last year, I’ve thought time and again that all I really want to do is stay at home and work on my press. And then … Helen came back with a seriously off the wall idea and really, that’s how we like it at TPP. She had a pitch for a kind of phd that there was no way I could look past. And as I’ve started to explain it to those around me, yeah, there’s no way this is not the perfect thing for me.

If you don’t follow your dream, who do you have but yourself to blame for your unhappiness?

So later this week, before I walk down the aisle, I’m going to make a different but no less major life changing decision and I’m going to formally accept my phd scholarships offer and I’m going to go back to university to do a phd in publishing.

Seriously.

And it turns out? In the humanities? You get to work from home. Seriously. I had to lie down for that one. You better check in on me dear reader and make sure I a) leave the house regularly b) don’t get distracted on craft projects and/or c) don’t work all the time on it. Because as my husband-to-be has only just realised today, I’m going to be full time on TPP now. (well some time in the new year)

We’ve taken this week off work to do all the final errands and make all the final preparations. There’s still so much to do. But what a difference it makes having cleared the decks of all other commitments to focus on it! Yesterday I got a lot of wedding tasks done (I still have my vows and speech to write and music to select) and I also managed to knit half a mitten and start a quilt project. I forgot how much time there is on a Sunday when I’m not working.

Which is not to say that we have dropped all other commitments. There are a bunch of tradespeople coming today – the security screen man is already here and well into his second project at our house. Finally a doggie door! And then I am off to see a man about a new printer – I’m supposed to be on leave from Twelfth Planet Press as of 17 days ago but I’m still working through the end of a few projects. I intend to send two books to Amanda … I guess tonight? The closer I get to Thursday, the less non wedding things I will have time to do. But today, I am off to see a new printer. He came across me as a result of my speaking at the Jewish Women’s function in August and would like to see if we might like to use him instead of our regular printer. I’m going to go and have a look and see about that today.

And maybe catch up with some friends for lunch. And then do a bunch of wedding errands including a shoe fitting and whatever.

Saturday night Kathryn threw my Hen’s Party. It was a lot of fun. Although I had a drama an hour before leaving my place to go pick her up with a sudden and violent attack of Crohn’s. I was no t sure I would be able to leave the bathroom let alone the house. I had this horrible image of everyone else rocking up to my party and me lying at home in bed feeling terrible. Luckily it passed, though I packed sick bags in my handbag just in case. I’m not sure if it was the uber strong coffee I had that day or a sudden attack of nerves (I’m a bit worried about the actual day, if that’s the case). But if it was nerves, being surrounded by my closest friends totally did the trick and I soon forgot how bad I’d felt.

We had booked a walking bar tour of the CBD. A friend of mine took a friend of hers when she visited on this tour a year or more ago and it sounded like heaps of fun. I don’t tend to hang out much in the city anymore after 6pm and I have no idea where all the cool places are. And new eat and drink places are opening up every other week it seems. And they look really really suave. we were taken to three bars and pointed out other places on the way (he detoured down to the new BHP complex, if you’re a Perth person, to just show us what’s opened up there – there’s several months of Saturday nights to spent checking those out for starters! We will be back!!) – each stop had food or a drink supplied and then you bought others as you needed. Our first stop was Canton – and oh my how much out of Firefly is that little bar?!!! And then we ended up in Wolf Lane – which has expanded since I used to hang there.

I’m a bit sad that I could only drink soda and lime and the one mocktail. I would have been silly and dancing up a storm til late if this were 15 years ago and I weren’t sick. There were penis straws and a bride to be sash in hot pink with flashing lights. But best of all there were a bunch of close friends who have been there with me on all the heartbreaks and career decisions and life decisions of importance. And having them with me to go out and relax and hang out a week before “that thing on Sunday” as we are calling it, was the best night ever. And I’m not as nervous now!

So I think I remember that project – I wanted to do another charm quilt with a block a month made from the mini charm squares. The rules being, use the fabric that arrives in the month before being allowed to purchase the next month’s, try new blocks and be cool about the charm quilt look of the product. And actually break into my Kona plains C bought me last year. Problem is, that the packs I bought, whilst I like each of them, don’t go with each other and I’m not sure I honestly like charm quilt looks – so itty and bitty and hard to focus the eye.

I’ve been thinking about what else I could do with these cause I still like the idea of an ongoing project for the year – I really enjoyed the sewing circles I was in two years ago now. Not big projects. something that you can finish in a couple of nights but that makes you feel like you achieved something, even if it’s small, each month. I’ve been looking at smaller projects – bags and cases and placemats and so on. Even thinking about gifting things I make. Thing is, I kinda think that stuff looks twee (except in those modern book photo shoots with lots of lime green and chocolate) and also … whilst I might not love the fabrics as my absolutely favourites, I dunno that i want to give away these projects. Which is a bit hoarder of me. And I don’t feel that way about knitted projects, which is weird. And how many quilted items does anyone person really need in life? Is it like 6?

Maybe I don’t need to know the answer to any of these questions right now. Maybe the final product will emerge on its own? I do really like the idea of a project for 2013. I possibly have a knitting one as well. And … the exciting thing, which I can almost not quite conceive of, is that I might actually get my downtime/free time/ out of hours time back next year for … socialising without guilt or stress and hobbies other than publishing. I can barely conceive of this. I keep giving myself strict talks about it. But yes, I will need to learn how to spend my weekends not working, again, after 5 years.

Yes, well. I think we’ve all learned something interesting here about me – I’m a nevous crafter. Ok? Can we move on already? I don’t know why you keep bringing it up! Whatev!

*cough* it’s like 11 days til we get married.  *mumble* Tonight we had our final meet which was with the photographer and we went through the whole day details etc. Gettin’ real. Tomorrow I have my final fitting for my dress and then I, like, take it home or something.

I’m really looking forward to our work Christmas do – Friday lunch – cause that will be the end of work for me for the year and the beginning of my holidays plus pamper sessions intermingled with errand running of next week. First I have to finish a bunch of work deadlines (may not finish them all) and finish my job application for my job. Which may end up being my back up plan. We shall see. Yesterday I found out I was awarded scholarships for a Phd I might have applied for in a haze of October midair flying to Canada. Seriously. Was bouncing essays and application forms back and forward during the big flight to Toronto whilst Jonathan drank cocktails, watched all the TV shows on his iPad and generally laughed at me. I haven’t made any decisions or what not yet (hello getting married like in 5 minutes) but I’ve kept my boss in the loop and I’ll figure it all out. Any minute now.

Anyway. There are more serious matters at hand than these pesky life choices. Like confessing all my Black Friday purchases. I’m going to document them here as they arrive so you know, and I know that you know. You see, last night, I was watching backlog Foxtel whilst working on this flamingo mitten – Hoarders Buried Alive. Now, I normally LOVE this show cause it makes me feel better about some of my untidiness or behindedness and it also gets me up out of my couch position and throwing out Things I Do Not Need to Keep. It’s good to have that reminder every now and then. But this episode I was watching came far too close to the home. This one had a woman who *deep breath* “collects fabrics” and other craft supplies. And she didn’t have them in huge mountains of trash with dogs wiping their arse on them or anything. Oh no. Hers were very sensibly and sanely organised in plastic bins and colour coded and stacked. Her collecting was not unsanitary or messy, it was just overwhelming because of its volume. And … sure, she had enough craft supplies to open her own decent sized craft store (her description) but … I couldn’t help but feel like a lot of her reasoning and explanation of how she got there was not unlike my own current stashing. Stashing’s all fun and games, it seems, til someone’s house gets taken over by it.

And whilst, she had bigger issues, personally, I worry that my own tendency towards obsession needs to be kept in check. I don’t think I’m that far away from being a hoarder buried alive (other than the ten years or so slippery slope – make sure you do regular house inspections on me, m’kay?). Anyway. It got me thinking. I might have other reasons for needing to rein in the stashing hobby. But … really, it’s all a bit … out of control. I like ordering things online. And I like getting packages in the mail. And that’s all fine. But I’ve noticed recently that a) I’m not really churning out that many finished craft projects lately and b) almost every freaking time you decide to start a new project, you are held up by needing to get some part of the project. Like, no matter what scrap or fat quarter quilt you decide to start, you always end up having to buy background or plain fabrics. The other day I decided to make a mitten pattern (not the one above) and thought surely I had enough yarn stash – but no, I needed to buy half the colours as I didn’t have them. And the cowl pattern I bought with the wool for my honeymoon knitting project, I had to go and get the right knitting needles for it.

So … maybe, you never get to just on a whim decide to start a project and wander down to the stash like it’s a store and pick out all your supplies. And if that’s the case, then what service does the stash supply other than making you feel bad about money spent, and time in advance already booked for projects past you decided future you would do. So I’m kinda toying round with the idea (ooh is this another New Year Resolution coming?) that maybe I should focus on reducing the stashes considerably and then planning projects and buying the supplies and then starting them. And truth be known, I always feel bad about buying supplies for big projects like a jumper so I buy lots of one skeins of things so it doesn’t look as bad. And yet … yeah there is no logic here.

This decision of course comes after the Black Friday craft supply buying frenzy which bought me those gorgeous skeins of sock yarn by Shibui in Orchid. Though, those can be justified as being part of the Knitter’s Bucket List – a yarn that I am yet to venture to try but have always wanted to. And I guess, doesn’t have to be socks. Though wouldn’t putting on a pair of socks in that colourway just make you so happy about the day.

And um. This. I have no excuses for this. I was browsing my fave online fabric store, the Fat Quarter Shop on Black Friday and discovered these Utterly Gorgeous Things – new! – called Mini Charm Packs or, I believe, candy … Anyway. WANT was all that I knew! And well … they’re so little and postage is flat rate and you can’t just buy one. So I thought … hmmm  … what if … what if I concocted a crazy craft project in 2013 (I know! So unlike me!) And what if it was like, buy say 3 packs of these a month and [ok. here is where the rest of this idea about a large, or possible several small, projects went to do with these charm packs] and an incentive that I couldn’t buy the next month’s packs until I had actually sewn that month’s allotment. It was sort of a block a month thing for myself. I think. The thing is, these arrived the other day, and for the life of me I cannot remember what the plan was. I can’t remember if I had a specific quilt pattern/project or if I was going to try something from some scrap quilters’ patterns or what. I have no idea what the idea was. Except. I really really like the incentive of use what comes in before you can buy anymore.

(ok. I’m still kind of having palpitations at the idea of using up and reducing to … none? .. my stash but let’s do this step by step)

So now I have to decide what to do with them. I would like to start this project (so I can order more cute itty bitty squares). Would love to hear any suggestions of charm square patterns. I checked out Oh Franssons’ Tokyo Subway Map but I think my choices won’t be monochromatic to work. I do have a whole heap of gorgeous solids thanks to the huge pack of fat quarters C bought me for Xmas last year which I spose technically according to this rule, I must now use and stop admiring the palette.

The big question is … once I get married next week, will this intense frantic crafting mojo dissipate?

Flickr doesn’t seem to be playing well with my computer this evening but if it were, I would be showing you my latest pair of finished socks and the first half of a new flamingoes mitten project.

Many things I have learned from my knitting this week.

1. I often leave projects 75 % finished

2. This is because I like to start new things and also because once I can visualise the finished work, it’s like I finished. No surprises left.

3. This means that I have a lot of WIPs in the back room that probably only need stitching up or like 3 hours of work to finish up.

4. Technically all this frenzy of finishing things is a release of pent up guilt for the cast-on-itis frenzy of whenever that was several years ago

5. And that I shouldn’t feel bad when I start a bunch of projects because there will be points in my life further down the line when I will be in finishing-things-up-mode and it will all come out in the long term wash

6. Except really, I’m in avoidance mode and it might be that when I want to avoid something really scary or requiring lots of internal energy, I knit. A lot.

7. And now I finally understand that whole baby bootie thing (circa 2005?)

8. All this time I thought I’d lost my knitting mojo and all I was was less unhappy than I was at that time.

9. Except I’ve kinda missed this intensity of knitting. I really kinda like it.

10. I wish I could sustain it in more chilled out periods of my life.

11. I still haven’t written my vows – well, we’ve got the commitment bit sorted now but I have to write my personal preamble.

12. And a tonne of other things are outstanding. I go from one extreme to the other – wedding planning is just a bunch of to dos on a list to Holy Crap I have no idea what I am doing and I am so far behind

13. But I’m trying fair isle for the first time in my life and also knitting my first mitten. And I am going to have a bunch of warm things to wear in Europe in Holy Crap just over two weeks.

First up. Finished pair of socks! These are my standard sock pattern in Lightweight Socks that Rock (Blue Moon Fiber Arts) in the colourway Zest.

And they make me happy. They are like a tequila sunrise or something. I love that they don’t match. I think they look exactly like the end of a great day. I can almost smell the heat slipping out of the air as the sun slides out of the sky.

Two days in a row of finished projects. I could get used to this! I picked up the closest work in progress when I finished my cardigan, something that wouldn’t require much thought to pick up and work on. It turned out these only needed the toe on the second sock which took not even half an hour to do. I think the stumbling was I’d lost one of the needles and I had to go find one. Sigh. So easy to put something down and find a stumbling block to prevent you just finishing it!

I’m intending to do an “airing of the stash” a la Cast On which I’m hoping will both catalogue all my works in progress into a nice neat spreadsheet of to dos for next year but also find a bunch of projects that I might get excited about. I’m thinking of being a bit more stern with my stash management. I’m thinking of *gasp* culling some of the stash I may not like or prioritising gifting finished pieces to those who might appreciate the colourway etc. I thought it might be fun to set those up in kits going into 2013 and then having them as things to work through over the year. *If* that doesn’t make “fun” into “work”.

The thing I’m starting to realise is, I tend to knit socks a lot because they use 1 skein of yarn and they justify the accumulation of random skeins of yarn that I love. And that’s what my stash is – a huge pile of single skeins of yarn. That you can only then make what? Socks, mittens, scarves or hats in. And jumpers etc are scary cause you have to invest more money in the yarn (and that makes it harder to justify changing your mind or going off a project idea …) But the stash itself has guilt attached – I feel like I can’t really buy more yarn that I like cause I have so much I have accumulated and done nothing with … I’m still wrestling with this guilt.

Let’s not even extend it to see how it works with the book stash. Or the fabric one. Or …

Today’s tea: T2 Strawberry Bliss Chai 1 star out of 5. (I *want* to like this tea so much more than I do. I think I just do not like chai. Or perhaps just cloves)

Today’s craft project: Blackberry Socks

Planning a wedding has fully done my head in, and not necessarily in the ways I expected it to. There are so many decisions involved in the process and by and large, most of them I don’t care about so I ‘ve seemed more decisive or less “caring” than most brides. I took five minutes or less to decide on my veil for example (I took about 9 months to decide I’d have a veil at all, in comparison). In my determination not to be referred to as a bridezilla (a state of being I now better understand than I ever thought I would and now realise it to be an utterly sexist way of diminishing a bride when all else fails) we decided early on what would be the things we would go to battle on and be prepared to die on the field about and then anything else just didn’t matter.

We’ve been focussed on the end result – that we get married – and seen the rest as icing on the cake. So I haven’t lost my shit over things like:

•  pregnant bridesmaids and having to fit the dress to them rather than the dress to my dream vision;
• changing my bouquets at the last minute because my original flower colour clashed with the colour of the dress I ended up with due to it being the closest colour I could get to what I wanted and available in the three style choices I could choose from for the bridesmaid dresses see previous;
• compromise on my table centrepiece flowers cause orchids don’t come in the colour I originally wanted for the look I finally chose;
• blah blah a bunch of other things got changed from original thoughts cause they didn’t work in execution, they didn’t fit with the timing or suit everyone else involved, they ended up not working with the final look

On the one hand, I wonder if later on I will care more and have got into it all more but that’s Future Me and Present Me thinks this stuff is not worth dying over. And I’m also realistic about large scale projects. They always have compromise and they never deliver what the initial concept phase was anyhow. And we’ll get married (as long as we do actually finish writing the damn vows). And on the other hand, I’m happy with each choice I’ve made, in the context of why I made it, as I’ve proceeded. So I’m fascinated with the way the outcome has deviated from initial concept.

Here’s the thing though. I had some very specific outcomes that I wanted and they weren’t tangible. They were about vibe and feeling – friends and family – that kinda thing. And I had a bunch of ideas about how I would create situations to achieve these and see above on compromise. What I’ve learned is, 6 year old me was very imaginative but she didn’t actually have much worldliness in which to base her ideas and visions in context. She didn’t know much about life. And if my actual wedding looks nothing like her ideas, that doesn’t mean the spirit of it isn’t there.

My focus for our wedding is to be surrounded by family and friends and have a joyous day. For me, one of the ways I hope that will be expressed is through traditional Jewish dancing at the reception. I’ve always wanted to be right in the middle of the frenetic antics on my wedding day and I love to be a part of it on others. I love expressing happiness through dance. So instead of having the kind of bridal showers I’ve been to for other brides I know – tupperware party, linen tea, kitchen tea etc – I wanted to have a bridal shower that was a traditional Jewish dancing lesson so those who have never been to a Jewish wedding before would get a taste of what to expect, learn a few of the dance moves and mostly be reassured that there is no wrong! It’s mostly free form and all about silliness and one-upmanship and having a good time.<

My bridal shower was a couple of weeks ago. Not everyone could come but it was a really great mix of people. And we’d asked that instead of presents attendees bring a recipe of theirs to contribute to a recipe book to be put together for C and I. Kathryn, my sister and my Mum helped me cater an afternoon tea spread. And I have to say, I was really taken aback by what actually moved me about the event. I was really touched by those who came along – some are unable to come to our wedding day and it meant a lot that they came anyway and were a part of the whole … is process the right word? … maybe series of celebrations. Rite of passage almost feels like how to describe it.

I feel like this is a process of being embraced. Some of my closed family members asked me what of their recipes I wanted and it’s so heartwarming to think about which memories do I want to bring into my family home as I cook their recipes and serve them to my family and guests on special occasions. Others sent their recipes along even though they themselves couldn’t make it. And almost everyone included a message or note somewhere on the recipe, making it totally personal and special (sorry Kathryn, I totally peeked).

And there was dancing and lots of people humouring me with joining in and getting into it, which meant a lot to me. And I’m looking forward to the day and hopefully we will be able to create the … the Hebrew word I’m looking for is ru’ach – spirit.

The one thing I was worried about, and why I asked someone to come and show us the moves is that whilst I know how to do the dances, I mostly pick them up at a wedding when someone else is doing the steps and then I join in and show others. But I don’t actually know most of the complicated dances myself. I was standing there with an aunt and cousin trying to remember a few of them and they said, “Don’t you know?”
I replied, “I always follow you two!”
And they said, “Someone will know on the night”
And then I panicked, “But *we* are all the people. It’s just us!”

So I might still be a little bit anxious that we don’t have enough core people who know the steps to pull it off. And I’m also worried because the men’s dancing is a lot more … extreme … shall we say? And whilst there are enough strapping young men attending, I don’t know there are enough who can instruct them on what to do (ie how to throw people. Don’t ask).

I have a really great band and the lead guy was who came along to give the dancing lesson. He’d prepared stuff for to show the guys so at this stage, his plan is to pull a few people aside during the pre-dinner cocktails and hand over some tips. I’m sure it will be fine …

It meant a lot to me to see people come along to my bridal shower and take part and be enthusiastic about our coming wedding day. It’s very odd the process from going from a very personal relationship between you and someone else to something that extends beyond that and involves all the people you know. And is the actual point of the wedding itself.

So this kind of kickstarted this dawning of being on the train. My hen’s night is coming up and I wanted to sort of keep it reasonably low key and be more a few close friends round me as I march closer and closer towards this big event. I’m again quite touched by who has ended up coming along to this – my sister-in-law-to-be will have arrived in town and  is able to come. And a few work friends who can’t make it to the big day are coming along, available for this. And it’s starting to feel like a drawn out celebratory rite of passage with different friends and family rallying around me at different stages of the procession. It’s not quite what I expected this to be. But like everything in this whole experience, it’s better than that.

I’m looking forward to my hen’s night. Looking forward to catching up and spending time with friends I’ve not been able to see as much this year as I would have liked cause life got in the way. And I’m really excited by how much each of these events is adding to my excitement for the day.

I’m *really* getting married!

Today’s Tea: T2 Red Choc Mint (Rooibos) 4 stars out of 5

Today’s Craft Project: Sunrise socks in Zest Socks that Rock by Blue Moon Fibre Arts

Here it is! My very first completed adult sized jumper! Sure it’s a cardigan. Sure it’s still got to have its ends sewn in and buttons sewn on and be blocked. But still! Finished!!!

I cast this on as my Olympic Knitting project way back in was it July? And for me, this is pretty focussed effort, really. Finished in the same year I started! Obviously not worked on continuously ahem. But yeah, it’s got me excited about the potential of knitting more large garments ie other than socks.

So, this is a pretty happy tick in my knitting bucket list book – first sweater knitted.

I also knitting I-cord for the first time. And button holes. And struggled with the cast on which drove me crazy! It was knit top down all in one piece and then the arms knit in the round, casting on to stitches that had been placed on hold. Pretty fun!

So details – Ravi Cardigan by Carol Feller  in Aubergenius colourway, Socks that Rock by Blue Moon Fiber Arts.

Today’s Tea: T2 Chamomile

Today’s Craft Project: Finished!

In my day job life, one of the things you’re encouraged to do is identify skillsets you want to develop or information you feel you need to learn, then you look out for courses or workshops for these and apply for funding to attend these. (Approval for that is getting thin on the ground as economic times get tougher.) Makes sense though to constantly be upskilling and expanding your knowledge, especially as you tend to get moved around a lot and can end up in areas not quite playing to your original expertise. It’s actually considered to be unhelpful for promotion if you haven’t done some education and personal development.

With Twelfth Planet Press, I’ve been looking for mentors for several years to offer guidance and advice to navigate me. (I’m very envious of the multitude of courses and workshops offered to writers to hone their skills. There’s so little, as none, available that I’ve seen for publishers.) It’s been quite hard to find appropriate mentors – small press is a small crowd, people move on and the industry is in high flux. I’ve been very lucky to find the mentors I have done and they have been invaluable to me. But I definitely struggle to find advice for both the publishing side of the business and also for the publishing business side of things. These don’t really have much to do with learning about quality writing, networking, editing or production. And I don’t really have the time to suddenly switch out and do an MBA for my small business on the side just so I can learn about accounting and business development. Of course… how else do you learn these kinds of things? And if you don’t learn them, how can you do them successfully?

At World Fantasy Con I was really fortunate to be able to spend quality time with a lot of different people talking about, and getting advice on, publishing and small press. Because my big question is, how do you take a small press and grow it into a viable bigger one? There are examples of small presses that have done this. How you do it in the current environment is probably a different question altogether. It was a bit of a theme for me at this convention and I had some really stimulating conversations about it. I came away quite depressed, to be honest, but not because it can’t be done.

This year for me personally has involved a lot of personal development. There’s been a lot of non fiction reading, a lot of online courses I’ve signed up for and a lot of interesting podcasts I’ve been subscribing to. I feel like there has been a lot of thinking and mulling over and assimilating of information in my head this year and it’s been brewing for a while so that I’ve been unable to write about it as I’ve been doing it because I’m not at the end of the process yet.

Recently, I’ve been reading Tribal Leadership – the title perhaps sounds more nefarious than it actually is. It’s been a really interesting read in terms of looking at teams or groups of people and why they work or they don’t work. And it’s led to a whole heap of understanding about me, my values and Twelfth Planet Press and the people associated with it.

What I’ve come to understand is that often you get a bad feeling about a person or a situation that you can’t really verbalise. Or you get stuck in a situation (for me this is often a work situation) where you get depressed and begin to hate going or hate yourself and you can’t quite figure out why. And that what’s going on is you are doing something that doesn’t align with your personal values.

I wanted to start putting in place some of the things I’m reading about in this book – I think TPP definitely operates by a set of core values. I’ve realised that this is what people mean when they say something is or is not a TPP book (something that stuck out for me when slush readers read my novel manuscript submissions and when writers submit work saying “I think this is a TPP work” and it totally is). It’s not just a “branding” thing. It’s not a particular sub genre thing. It’s something else entirely. Up til now, I think that the navigation has been gut feel. And that’s not necessarily wrong. It’s just unstructured

So I signed up for a 21 day leadership course with Culture Sync which I found via the website affiliated with the book. Yes, I don’t technically have 21 days before my wedding etc but I’m up to day 5 and so far its been really enlightening. I’m really enjoying it – it’s at times confronting and really interesting to realise “oh hey, that’s fundamentally important to who I am”. I’m really excited by the idea of knowing in words what your core values are and being cool about making yes or no decisions about other things based on something being a value of yours or not. It suddenly makes me feel less guilty about all the good pieces of fiction I’ve rejected that didn’t “feel like they were TPP”. It’s a sudden way of categorising things into something other than “good or bad”. Something can still be good but just not fit with what we are doing, because it is doing something else entirely. And it’s also really exciting to know you are doing a particular thing; that you are working on a whole that will be greater than the sum of its parts and that is moving in a particular direction.

The most important realisation I’ve had so far is that what got me down in the discussions I was having at WFC relates to something being very much in conflict with my core values. That I don’t have to try and be X (especially when I don’t want to) because that is not what we, TPP, are. And that’s totally ok. It suddenly lifted a weight off my shoulders. And to be fair, this realisation is not anything different to what several of my close friends were saying to me at the con itself as I was experiencing it in real time. But you know that thing where hearing something is very different to feeling it or really knowing it yourself? Yeah, well it took me a month longer than everyone else but I get it now. And everything is gonna be ok

Today’s tea: Camomile- T2  Star Rating: 5 out of 5

Today’s craft project: Ravi Cardigan in Aubergenius by Blue Moon Fibre Arts

Well. I had a bit of a horrible day. C got up early and headed out to what I really hope is the last week of weekly sailing. I got up not long after, got ready, sorted out the puppy and headed out the door. I got to the bus stop and remembered I’d forgotten my phone so headed back and got that and then realised I’d forgotten my lunch just as the bus pulled up. All good. Got to the train station, hopped on a train. All good. I caught up on the twitter and the emails and then put away my phone and looked out the window. I started feel very sleepy and did that thing where you just close your eyes for a bit.

And then as we were pulling in to Murdoch station, I began to feel very unwell. That sudden sweatiness and needing to lie down feeling. I thought I’d get off at that station and see what happened but as I stood up I had that claminess and started to see stars and realised I was going to pass out. Thank goodness I was able to get off the train and sit down. I put my head between my legs and just stayed like that for about 6 minutes. I really really wanted to lie down on the station platform but even in such a state, the phobia says no (ew germs!) By the time the train heading in the opposite direction arrived, the feeling of fainting had passed and I got on and headed home, texting my boss that I didn’t think I would be in and explained why.

I think this happened cause I was in terrible pain – as a result of having to take the anti inflammatories for my back (two weeks ago) my Crohn’s Disease has had a flareup triggered. Up until now, it’s been just indigestion and nausea which I’ve dealt with by pulling back on the spicy food. Yesterday though, I had crippling stomach cramps. I spent much of the day in bed and really struggled to move around and stand and whatnot. Today was the same and I’d thought I could just push through, take painkillers at work, but I didn’t get there in time. The worst of it is that the painkillers tend to exacerbate some of these symptoms so it’s all really annoying.

And the moral of the story? The back issue – which got so bad that two Mondays ago I hobbled into work barely able to walk and got sent home and meant that I finally needed to take meds that I know trigger Crohns to deal with the inflammation – is something that cannot be ignored. The injury came about from sitting. Yup that’s right, it’s a pathetic injury from not doing enough exercise. I inflamed a joint in back from bloody sitting! And what’s annoying is that I’d had a conversation with writers who know that sitting is a serious work place hazard for this kind of work and I kinda brushed it off. After all … I’m not writing so RSI or sitting issues doesn’t affect me. Honestly, I even irritate myself with the way I think sometimes.

My day job is mostly a desk job. My last two jobs before this one both had some field work in it. It didn’t really seem like all that much field work but it’s possible even that was enough to just mix up my routine. Now I basically have a desk job for 7.5 hours a day and, to speed things up cause I’m always looking to find time in my day, I tend to work through lunch a lot. So I sit all day. I sit on the train to and from work. And then I come home and work at my latop for maybe 5 hours a night. And for WFC I sat for 40 hours on plane trips recently.

So yeah. I hurt my back. The moral of the story is … be kind to yourself and look after your workspace habits. As a result, I requested a standing desk at work. I didn’t get one but I’ve been given a temporary solution and I’ve been making sure I stand for an hour and then sit for an hour alternately all day. And guess what? Back issue fixed within days. I also schedule in 15 minute walks twice a day to break up the hours of possible inactivity. And when I say “schedule” they are in my phone calendar to remind me.

The other moral of the story is … my back issue was the worst on the Sunday before last and then this Sunday I had this other issue. Both leading to having to call in sick on a Monday. It has not escaped me that Sunday is the only day lately I have a proper day off. And I’m assuming this is my body telling me to Slow The Hell Down. It’s not really going to happen in the near future – we have our wedding in 20 days (!!) and much to do before that and I’ve just discovered that I have to apply for a job next week, which I’m still debating whether I have the mental energy to even do. So … My eye is on the honeymoon ball. And all the Not Working that I will be doing over that. I’m supposed to have closed down Twelfth Planet Press 3 days ago with my personal promise to take off Dec and Jan but .. well, yeah. I’m still mopping up and sorting a few things but that will slowly grind to a halt, I’m hoping by the 14th.

Today’s Tea: Madagascan vanilla, drunk black, one sugar, Stars 4 out of 5

Today’s Craft Project: Ravi Cardigan in Aubergenius by Blue Moon Fibre Arts

It’s taken me a long time – about a year – of soul searching to finally come to this place. But it’s time. I’ve decided to close ASif! at the end of this year. This is a project that I have felt passionate about from conception and over the last 8 years. I’ve enjoyed working with everyone who has ever been involved and I’ve met so many people and formed many firm, life long friendships through ASif!

In 2004, we set out to build a review website to focus on and highlight Australian speculative fiction and to offer a place of honest critical review to support our local scene. ASif! achieved these goals. After 8 years, the principals of this project are now looking to direct our energies into other activities in continue to build and grow the Australian SF/F scene. And for this, we walk away proud of what we created.

ASif! will close as of 31/12/2012, with old reviews remaining available for now. Thank you to everyone who has volunteered their time, financially supported the project or supplied us with review materials. Thank you to everyone for your support and encouragement along the way. I encourage anyone interested in discovering our scene, or in meeting Australian writers, editors, publishers and publicists, or in learning how to start up a publishing venture to consider starting their own critical project. For now, it’s time for ASif! to step off the Australian stage.

Farewell. And thank you.

Alisa Krasnostein

Executive Director, ASif! Australian Specfic in Focus!