Champagne and Socks

Wow, this last week has been full on. I’m back in that whole finding a new routine, getting overwhelmed with a whole new normal and doing all that background reading to get up to speed. That’s right, I started my new job this week. And I also might have written my car off on Monday in the most understated, not dangerous accident one could ever have.

After the car bingle, I discovered that I can cross the street right outside my house and get on a bus that is 10 minutes from the train station, get on the train, get off the train, go up the stairs, walk round the side of that building, get in the lift, walk to my desk all in under an hour. I have absolutely no complaints about the public transport to my new job and back. It’s actually MUCH easier than driving (finding a spot to park at the train station is a pain). AND I get to sit on the train and read. A Book! Fabulous!

And I’m pretty much loving the new job. My new team is great, I feel like I fit in pretty well. The office space is pretty good and it’s inside a building designed to avoid sick building syndrome – it’s new and it doesn’t have that new building smell! It’s pretty awesome. No headaches. No feeling lightheaded by the afternoon. No fatigue when I get home. Not bad! It’s designed to make you walk around a fair bit so going to the bathroom or kitchen means you get some good movement in. I get two computer screens, to encourage paperless working. The job itself is going to be full on as the project is already behind schedule. And it’s going to be challenging. Which I’m kinda really looking forward to. It’s also kind of weird to come into a new job and be all over a lot of the issues and history. It’s a bit of a brain adjustment for me as I am taking a step back from the approach I’ve been requiring in my day job for the last 7 years and am now being more of a straight water engineer, if that makes sense? I don’t much like to talk about day job stuff here so I’ll just say that this is taking me more back to the nuts and bolts of my training as I learn to apply that in a new philosophical approach/role. It’s cool in that it feels like a breath of fresh air through my brain.

Then I’ve been coming home and pulling late nights for Twelfth Planet Press. Leaving little time for much else. Hopefully that won’t last too long, once I have the last few things done for Natcon, things should ease off a bit. But I’m kinda having fun and that is the point, I think!

I am so struggling to keep a daily blog. I can’t even express how frustrating I find this one thing. I’ve been blogging for longer than any of the other things that I do. I started my first blog, back in the days of Diaryland (yes, I am *that* old), to make sure that there was some point in my day, every day, that I sat down and wrote something. So it’s really sad for me to turn around at the end of another week and see that I didn’t get time to sit down and write something.

And it’s also frustrating to me that I am still grappling with what does and does not feel appropriate to post about. It used to be that everything in my life was fair game. And I posted in a no holds barred way. And maybe that became a bit of a train wreck at some points. I made and lost friends over some of the posts. But it felt a lot less restrictive. These days, even though they aren’t really directly linked, I am still the public face for my press and that’s deeply important to me.

Actually, I do have a few things I want to sit down and write about and I hope I will start to get on top of things so that I can sit down and … write again. Because that’s the other thing giving me great frustrating these days – time. And my lack of it. I’m desperately frustrated at the moment – drowning and drowning in my frustration about the drowning. And I guess more than a little frustrated at my current lack of being able to do something about it. There are a few things going on in the background but none of them are guaranteed at the moment. And so I am left with constantly feeling like no matter how hard I work, I have barely taken a chunk out of the to do pile. I worked solidly yesterday all day, even waking up a bit early for me for a Sunday, and still barely scraped the surface. It’s a very very upsetting thing to see where it is you want to go, and the path you need to take but a lack in the funds and time to actually do it. And if that is why I ultimately fail, I will be heartbroken about it, I think.

I hope this malaise is really just the dark before the dawn. I do have things in motion to deal with some of these things. I’ve had to admit that I really am going to have to delegate if I want to get as much as I want done. There is really only so much work that one person can do in a week. I’ve been so lucky to have Terri come on board to pick up Publicity and Promotions for me. It’s such a crucial aspect and yet so easy to not be on top of as you grapple to meet print deadlines and editing and so on. We had a really productive 3 hour(!) meeting a couple of weeks ago now and have so many ideas and tasks to develop. I’m also hoping t oset up some new interns who are coming on board. We really do have some cool projects under development, and I can’t wait to start making progress on them.

Warning: I talk about food issues and weight in this post.

So I’m at Week 5 of the 12 Week Body Transformation. Weigh in is Wednesday but I’m on track to lose another 1kg+ which pushes me below my first round number milestone. The program promises to be more than just a diet and exercise regime, promoting itself as a life transformer, part of the outcome being the weight loss and the other part, changing the way you think and behave. At Week 5, I think I really can see some of those changes coming through. And it’s required some fairly big mindshifts as well as some soulsearching and thought self policing. I’m not even sure I can fully articulate what’s changed and what kind of ride this is.

My issues with food are complex and not really something to go into here. But they are separate to issues with body image. Which adds to the complexity. My inner monologue is almost constantly negative. And I tend to use food to fix all that ails me – feel down? feel anxious or angry? feel depressed? want comfort? celebrating a win? Is it a day ending in y? All get a liberal serve of food to remedy. On top of that, I am addicted, I think, to certain foods. Maybe that’s a cop out but that’s how it feels. Food is my drug of choice – lollies and chocolate and icecream to be specific. And muffins and pastries and desserts and and and. Add to that that the exercise thing had kinda fallen by the wayside, the whole OMG the momentum required to put on shoes let alone leave the house!

And you’re not gonna overcome that kind of stuff in a day or a week or even in 12 weeks. And the thought of never going back ever again, still doesn’t feel quite real so I know I have a long way to go. But hey, today when I was hanging out with Jonathan for lunch, I happily chose a salad, considered it a “meal” and enjoyed it. There’s hope.

I’ve actually really enjoyed the nutrition side of this program. To be fair, C has taken on the shopping and cooking for it which is a major deal. I would likely not have been remotely as successful if I had been doing the food stuff on my own. And I think the food is far more interesting and exciting than what I was eating  – especially for breakfasts and lunches during the week. So that already makes this hardly a chore. And now, 5 weeks away from bags of lollies and licorice and blocks of chocolate, I can look at it a lot more from the outside looking in and deconstruct a lot of it. Some of which I want to talk about below. But that said, I know that if I were to even taste some of those things, I would be right back there scoffing a bag in a blink and be hooked again. I hope in the future to have a more balanced and healthy relationship with these foods.

The exercise on the other hand has been more of a struggle. You have to complete 6 workouts a week and I find that really hard. I’m juggling so much else in my week sometimes I just keel over. But one of the exercises before the program started was to write down all the excuses you use to avoid doing exercise (or related to food) and you know … I still catch myself trying to fob them off. Like … if you’re injured, that’s fine but you can work around that and still exercise. For me, sometimes my Crohn’s is worse than other days and doing crunches is so not the best thing for it. But now I know that I can just skip the crunches and do something else in the session rather than not exercise at all because I “feel sick”. Big revelation. Also, for me, I tend to find time by jettisoning exercise off first. Now, I’ve discovered I can reorganise my day, perhaps by several hours ahead so I still get in the exercise as well as all the other commitments. I’m still not doing great at this one – I am so overcommitted. And I’m becoming that person I hate – who is too busy to get to things or to answer emails promptly or to prepare ahead of time. I’m working on this one (commitments) and it should be better soon. But I discovered something really important. I had been describing myself as not an active person, or not someone who enjoys exercise. But actually – I do! And I’d forgotten. I’ve had so may moments of flashbacks to when I used to dance and these have reminded me of how exercise and pushing myself to my limits felt back then. And how much I enjoyed that. It’s been really nice to get back in touch with the me of 20 years ago. Before things got screwed up. It’s made me have to readjust how I see myself.

So taking some of what I am learning or skilling myself up to help get through the program has really flowed into the rest of my life. I’ve noticed the same kind of internal talk for addressing other things in my life and have taken to using similar techniques to deal with that. It’s slow and it requires constant awareness of my inner talk and in changing that around but I think I’m making inroads.

I gave a talk on the weekend and I felt that it went terribly. I didn’t feel comfortable up at the front, I hadn’t prepared enough so I ended up reading my prepared notes instead of talking off the cuff, I felt nervous and sounded so and I stammered a bit. I was pretty down about it. At the end of the day several people came over to tell me how much they enjoyed my talk, how it had made them think and so on. But I walked away still saying to myself I’d screwed up and it was a shit presentation. But over the rest of the day, I started to turn the talk on myself – how could I ignore the several people who said differently to how I felt? Why would I value my own self destructive talk over outside of me evidence to the contrary. Maybe all the things I thought about how I went were true but maybe the material I presented overcame that?

And so now I’m looking at tackling two issues I’d like to get straight. One is that I’m having trouble motivating myself to get (more) stuff down (I know I know but …). Back in the postgrad days I used to have a list system that kicked arse – I would write a serious list 0f 10 big deal things I wanted to achieve for that month and then I would divide each down into the exact single tasks or actions it would take to get that big thing done. And then I would give myself a red tick each time I got a task done. A tally at the end of the month for red ticks would determine if or what kind of reward I would get. I have a feeling at the time I mostly was getting stuff from the Body Shop but I’d set a dollar limit and could choose. And being close to the tipover into reward would push me to scour the list to find low hanging fruit. I got a lot done and the system really worked for a while.

I’ve been trying to get back to that system but now I have this habit of moving the goal posts. So I’ll say if X, then Y and then when I do X, I’ll say, yeah but that was easy, now you need to also do W for Y. And no rewards ever get doled out. Which defeats the whole purpose.

Add to that, the very real need for me to find other ways to deal with emotions other than placating with food. I’ve actually found a really good technique for dealing with anger or frustration is to action something. Doesn’t have to be related but just *doing something* when you feel helpless or frustrated really makes you feel better, more in control. Plus you get that thing done. It takes a negative and makes it positive. So I’ve been looking for something to help with other emotions. Something that I could also use as rewards for the getting things done requirement. And it turns out, as I’m doing better and better on this program, I actually feel better about myself. And as I told a friend the other day – you nurture what you love. I feel better about myself. I feel great healthwise as we are eating so much healthy, unprocessed foods. Even my hair looks shinier! And I’m happier.

So last week, I decided to do something about this. I decided I needed to get some perspective on what is reward worthy and hopefully recalibrate my own internal feeling about what is a good job well done. I decided to go to two of my favourite shops – The Body Shop and T2 (since I was at the shops already replacing yet another bung laptop charger) and buy in advance a bunch of treats. They varied in size and value, some just little testers of things I wanted to try and others more luxurious. But all things that would require indulgence once obtained. So the reward would be twofold – 1, I get something! and 2. I have to then use it – to relax, to cheer myself up, to feel good about myself, to destress, to take time out etc.

And then I gave the bag of rewards to C to supervise. So someone else with a nonscrewed up barometer of achievements could help me figure out what deserved reward and when. He cracks me up – when I gave him the bag, went through it and then stood up and nodded and said, yes he had his head around what was in there now, and then swept it off somewhere. To be honest, I felt a little scared at that point! Should I have given up that power?

Today I got my first reward – it was delayed from the promised reward fotr preparing and delivering the paid speaking gig I did on the weekend. I was such a pain in the arse preparing for it and I don’t like public speaking. Still, I sucked it up and I got on with it. And my reward was – picture at the top – Strawberry and Cream tea! And this evening, instead of casing the pantry for after dinner shaped things, I sat with my feet in a hot bath with Radox and I sipped my fruity tea! And it was good.

I’m so behind at the moment that I thought I had written some posts about our trip to Melbourne last month. A quick check of my archive tells me that I only composed them in my head.

We went over for my cousin’s engagement party – I’m so happy to be sharing this journey with her, we shall both get married within two months of each other. She had her party first and we went for a long weekend to share her celebration and for a bit of a rest. We had a really great time. C says it was a holiday for ADD people but I think even though we were basically doing things all the time, spending three hours in a bar on Chapel St is hardly taxing!

We stayed on Swanston St which turned out to be a bad idea because they were ripping up the tram lines right in that section for only 48 hours, the only 48 hours we were there. But aside from that, and the trams not running down that street, we were in the perfect location. After a dismal breakfast in the hotel, we spent a lot of the rest of our time in and out of the alleyways finding all kinds of scrumptious things and shopping surprises.

We also hung out a bit at Federation Square and found some awesome yarn bombing out side of the Starbucks right there!

I was really impress by a few overtly environmentally friendly initiatives and actions that I saw about the city. The first was this bike one – you can hire a bike, ride it about and then leave it at another station – and there are stations all about the CBD. I thought this was really really cool.

I also noted giant signs talking about the water restrictions. Though we have similar restrictions in Perth, they aren’t actually really talked about, like this:

And, just cause it amuses, Batman Av:

During one of the first shopping outings, we found Tansy’s new book Reign of Beasts in Dymocks on Collins St. And bought a copy! C of course had finished it by the time we arrived back in Perth. I am proud to say that I finished Power and Majesty on the trip.

I scored a new pair of shoes from somebody who forgot to mention I needed to wear (and thus bring) closed shoes to the taping of The Project. C had seen a live taping of the show last time he was in Melbourne and was keen to go along again. It was raining a lot that evening and we headed down to the Channel 10 offices. We were early and needed to by shoes and after that we took shelter in a lovely bar and drank cocktails and ate Mars Bar cheesecake. We headed back to the offices at the appointed time and it was all very TV-ish which was a lot of fun. They gave us lots of lollies, I guess to hype us up and we were taught to clap to sound like we were more people, and to shout and laugh as well. We were hustled into the show and sat and watched the episode go live to air. It was a bit nervewracking knowing you HAD to laugh at the jokes but it was all very interesting and new.

Afterwards we headed back to the Cabinet Bar for some drinks and a bite to eat. And watched a couple on a blind date.

On the Monday, before we headed home, we wandered down to Southbank, contemplated seeing a movie, and then had a lovely secluded lunch on this balcony overlooking the water instead. The food was divine.

I dragged C down to the restaurant that sits under one of the pylons to a bridge across the river there:

And then we headed back to try what, we were told by Narrelle Harris, was The Most pretentious coffee in all of Melbourme. We drank a lot of coffee (I mostly drank decaf apart from this one) but apparently this was the most snobbish. We’re engineers and interested in mechanics. I though, am also a coffee snob.

We drank our coffee over a very long and enjoyable conversation with Narrelle, who met up with us there. It was really lovely to catch up with her and of course there were lots of stories and laughter. Interestingly, this coffee, which they describe as being more like a tea than a coffee, was unbelievably gentle on my stomach, when normally a black espresso would not have been so.

And I promised on Facebook a picture of the puppy when we got home – he is normally white, but shown here to be dusty from the red dust at the farm he hung out on whilst we were away.

On the weekend, I discovered Cat Valente’s new tumblr project Girl Unlocked and the Unfuck your habitat tumblr and suddenly got inspired. Here was a successful woman talking about exactly the same shit I’m feeling and living and not doing.

Tansy has a great post today about it too – Mothering, Writing, Pilating, Guilt. I guess as I sit here, I can hardly feel hard done by by the feminist movement – I have a good professional day job with great prospects and entitlements. I’m respected by my manager and most of the people I work with, even if I am often still the lonely girl in the sea of men at the boardroom table. On top of that, I have my own small business that I started up and is mine. And I have a very loving, understanding and giving fiance. (The puppy is um … the puppy.) But you know, as much as that is possibly living some version of the feminist dream, I still can’t shake the expectations of the domestic goddess. I am a neat person and I appreciate order and neatness. I like my pantry to have everything stored by category and be in the neat tupperware containers. I like my clothes to be clean and folded and ironed and away and waiting for me to choose an outfit to wear. I want my house to be spick and span and ready for Vogue inspection without warning.

But that is in no way the reality. Working two jobs fulltime, plus a big commute these days, and trying to make time to care for myself by exercising properly and keep up with reading, and family and friends, and have downtime to recharge. Yeah, I don’t live the domestic goddess dream. I don’t have the time and it doesn’t happen. We go to bed with dishes in the sink, clothes unhung up. Puppy toys strewn across the house. Papers not filed and away. Mess. I wouldn’t give up any of my priorities to be the ideal housewife. But its really really hard to give up the guilt and feeling of coming short when judged on my (lack of) ability to keep house. I fear people dropping by and seeing how I live sometimes (and judging me). I stress myself out because this in no way gels with my OCD which is far more under control than several years ago but still present. I can’t let go of the guilt. And the mess weighs down on my psyche, adding to the white noise of background stress.

But what to do? Can’t create more time and if I could, Twelfth Planet Press already has dibs on it. And 2012 is already more frentic than 2011 was and I know 2013 will be likewise more than 2012. It’s just the way it is.

So this whole unfucking your habitat thing kind of appeals to me. I guess in the same way that the 12 week body transformation is working for me. Basically, fucking off excuses – excuses for why you didn’t or can’t do shit are bullshit. There is only do or do not, you know? And there is mostly the suck it up princess and get on with it. I like Cat’s attitude on her tumblr. I also like seeing before and after shots of tidying. So I’m kinda jumping on the bandwagon and will try and get small things unfucked when I can and keep them unfucked from there on out. And I’ll post some photos as I do.

So these three photos to the left and above are of my dressing table. Which has basically looked like the top shot for most of the time I’ve lived here (since moving in last June). The chest is a bit high for me to actually use for dressing but I really love the wood and the deal with myself on buying it when I did (plantation wood) is I have it for life. But um yes, it was totally untidy, unfriendly workspace and facing my bed. So I both cannot find any of the lovely makeup and jewellery I own (and therefore have not been using or wearing) and stare at the clutter pretty much all the time. I realised I could actually take one of the drawers for my makeup and also use one of my lovely boxes that I love to collect but have no purpose for to lay it all out in an easy, enticing and accessible way. I actually like to wear a little makeup and some jewellery, it makes me feel good about myself. But I don’t when I don’t feel good about myself or when I have to hunt around to find it. (Of note, haven’t worn a lot of either in recent years).

And now my bedside table. A great source of annoyance to anyone else who shares a room with me. I like to take glasses and mugs to bed to drink whilst reading but I don’t like to return items back to the kitchen. I let things pile up til either something spills or I have nowhere to put my glasses when I finally go to sleep. Seriously, I don’t know how that’s a bad habit of mine when I actually am naturally neat person. Honest!

I spose it comes from now having an actual office that I work at. Though, ahem, we do have a study here and I do have my own desk. Yes said desk is absolutely covered in clutter, things to file, sort and whatnot. I spose those before and after shots will be coming soon!

Well. Here it is. The big 36. The 12 times 3. The 6 times 6. The lots of numbers.

36 is scary because it’s biologically old. So they tell me. If you care about such things. 35 is the big number and 36 is MORE than 35. I can say this with some amusement because, whilst I *do* care about such things, 36 actually is not that bad. Sure I creak and groan and stuff. But you know, I kinda think it’s all going to be ok. And um, besides, I had my meltdown about this a couple of months ago now. So … yeah …

It wasn’t really a big day. I went to work – normally I take the day off but I felt it was a bit soon in my contract to do that (since I already did for the weekend jaunt to Melb two weeks ago). So that was a bit ordinary. But my inbox and twitter and phone were inundated with messages all day wishing me a happy birthday which was very cheering! We didn’t do anything special (yet) for it – I have to admit that what with finally getting my engagement ring, having a party last weekend and getting engagement presents, I’m doing alright this month! (And last year’s present continues to amuse.)

And my present from C was a combination of practical – related to my new exercise craze – and something I’ve been meaning to get round to for ages: a copy of Blade Runner, which I’ve never seen.

Back to work tomorrow. Back to regular programming.

Well. This blogging thing has fallen over. I’ve got so many posts I want to write and I’m beside myself that right now I have absolutely no time to even draft out words for them. This week went by in a blur. Last weekend we had our engagement party, just a small thing for very close family and friends, and I want to post about that and some other wedding related things. I’m hoping to grab some photos first – one of my uncles took like 450 photos! Can’t wait to see them. Anyway, we were utterly exhausted Sunday night after the weekend and that’s never a good way to enter the work week.

By Thursday I was so knackered that I got into work, woke up and realised I felt vile, sat at my desk working for 2 hours and ran hot and cold and awful and then got back in my car, drove an hour and a half home and collapsed fully clothed on my bed. And slept. And slept. And Slept. And I don’t nap. I mean, I NEVER nap. Not even when I’ve pulled an allnighter or flown 36 hours to the other side of the world. I hate napping. And then I was Zombie!GJ for the rest of the evening. Bleurgh. I would have also taken Friday off but we had this big meeting on and I knew that I needed to be there for it to figure out my role in the project (which I’m glad I did attend because now I do know what’s going on and how to move forward. Also weird to have been doing this gig long enough to go to random meeting with 10 people from all over the place and know like half of them really well.)

Anyway, I mostly stayed on nutrition track this week. Treat meal came a little early in the week but I’ve managed to avoid falling off the tracks this weekend. Exercise though fell by the wayside. I was just so freaking tired, I was literally dragging myself through the week and standing next to walls to avoid falling over. I skipped three days of exercise, only getting back on the wagon yesterday. So I only managed to lose 0.5kg this week. On the other hand, normally for me, a week like this one, I would have yoyo’ed back up a bit so that I’m taking as a win. But yeah. One of the excuses I noted down that I use before I started this thing, is “I feel sick” and that is such a hard one to navigate. Should I have continued dragging my arse through cardio on Thurs and Fri? I do know my body and self pretty well and I was hitting the wall on Thursday. I reckon if I hadn’t pulled the plug on some stuff, I’d have been ill in bed this weekend.

Fact is, currently this routine is unsustainable. There is no time left in the day after commuting, working, exercise and sleep. I’ve been trying to find time for TPP and that’s ended up being taken out of the sleep bucket. Doesn’t really work long term. I’m a bit better on track with the upcoming books - Showtime is at the printers, Through Splintered Walls is half at proofing and half at finalising final copy edits, I’ve begun working through Salvage edits, Cracklescape is almost ready to go to layout and we’re working on edits for Asymmetry. Though I’m only ever happy when it’s not me being the bottleneck. And it’s possible that with the end of last week, I am. And of course my readers are working through the novel manuscripts and I’ve made a start on those. Publicity and marketing are behind. And I had one grant application to submit last week (done but through the haze of exhaustion) and one still to be written for next month. And I’m working on a talk that I’m giving on a Saturday in a couple of weeks. And so on and on and on.

It’s not sustainable right now.  Tired. So very very tired.

Well today was my third Monday in my new job. Soon I won’t even be the new girl anymore. Time flies and reality has this thing it does where it freaks me out – I’m ever fascinated by the consciousness of *now* – and it’s not something I can explain well. Needless to say, this is my new routine and it’s like the old one never existed.

Anyway, I drive an hour and a bit more south each day to work now. And frankly, I kinda have my groove going on now. I leave early – about as early as I was driving the other direction – but there is no traffic, it’s a straight drive, and I get in at 8am so I can leave by 4pm and be home with afternoon/evening left. Ish. I *am* enjoying the drive. Last week I listened to Swordspoint by Ellen Kushner as well as starting to catch up on longer podcasts in my library. This week I have started with The Art of War and more podcasts. I’m way behind on podcasts having fallen off the wagon along the way so I’m really starting to feel like I’m tidying up and catching up on things. Today I really enjoyed the Coode St podcast featuring Cheryl Morgan and discussing Hugo categories and politics.

I’ve not really mastered using after work time properly yet and the only thing that is still a bit of an issue is this loss of time. (I’m supposed to be sleeping right now instead of writing this post). This the one thing that I am struggling with – the loss of time. I had a bit of a moan about it to C last week who sighed and said that I need to do less or expect to do less. To wish I wailed that if I did *less* than I do now, it wouldn’t *enough* because it’s not enough now, there is simply too too much I want to do. He shook his head at me, as he does. So I’m working on that bit still.

I’m also starting to socialise a bit more now. Remembering who has a new puppy, who is likely to be [this is a thing that they do at my work that I can't talk about here] and ask about how that’s going or who might not be in etc. And so on. So I’m able to do that whole small talk thing with people which saves one from the awkward morning tea hanging around thing (which I was doing up til now!). Also feeling ok about laughing out across the cubicles, though not really much shouting. I’m still acclimatising to the open office floor plan again. Having worked in this style before so I know eventually I will be able to tune it all out. Eventually. Eventually. Another cool thing though is since I am now working where I am, I can do the whole “local produce” thing. They have a system at work where you can order local fresh fruit on Monday and it gets delivered to the office Wednesday. I only found out about it last week so this is the first week I’m trying it out. I ordered an 8kg box of mixed fruit. We don’t eat that much fruit round here but I’m hoping that we will, cause it’s good for you! But I might be gifting fresh stone fruit when I come avisiting! There’s lots to take advantage of and I intend to do so, since I’m putting in the hard yard of the commute anyway. I only wish I had a good way of transporting dairy cause there’s this farmer’s market near work …

That’s work. This weekend I finally managed to get to Bunnings, realising that if I didn’t go this weekend, I wouldn’t get there at all in February. I wanted to get a composting bin for our place as a partial offset to my increased commute. So I finally got one and set it up. I just need to double check what can go in etc and then we can also finally do a spring clean of the fridge I also FINALLY got a tahitian lime tree which I had been chasing for a while. And a dwarf pink lady apple tree. So there was much potting of trees and cleaning up of the patio and whatnot on Sunday evening. I just need a new pot for my lemon tree because the puppy seems to think that pot his is toy.

I’ve been wanting to start a new blog series here and had intended to post the first instalment tonight. It didn’t happen. See above re time and my loss of it. So instead I think I might try to first get back into the habit of posting everyday. Gotta start with the low hanging fruit, dontcha?

It’s been a really full on week, and I want to sit and write about it. But first I have a couple of Twelfth Planet Press developments that I really want to plug in this space.

This space. What is it anyway? What is it *for*? I really knew what my livejournal account was for, I knew why I posted there and I knew what and how and for whom. But after nearly 200 posts in this new space, it still feels like clothes that don’t quite fit or  party where you don’t really know anyone. I thought if I just wrote, it would sort itself out, that I would find a voice or a tone or a something. But I haven’t really. LJ always felt more intimate. It felt more personal. But then, 5 years ago, I could write a lot more anonymously than now. And now it just feels really self conscious.

Anyway.

I started my new job this week. And for much of the week I just wanted to write a post with the one sentence: Life is weird. But halfway through I thought, no … life is interesting. When I first applied for this job I knew there was an hour and a half commute and I told C that I would have to leave home at *7.30* to get there by 9 and we both wondered how in the hell I would be able to do that. But then … then I had that weird jetlag thing and I started the getting to work at 7.30 thing so leaving home at 6.30 was completely doable. And so it is. And I dunno. Isn’t life funny the way totally disparate things can synchronise?

I like my new job and workplace so far. Everybody is really nice. I really like my new boss and team. The drive is long but I have signed up to try out Audible. com and that’s been working well. And the view is very pleasant. I’ve restructured the way I eat in the day so as to not get sugar drops on the long drives. I’ve started packing my own lunches now as well as breakfast cause there is no onsite canteen. And I’m happy. So far I’m really happy. The work is interesting and challenging. It’s enough in my experience to be able to hit the ground jogging but broader than my knowledge so that I will have to work hard to get up to speed for the level I will be expected to perform at – but I got an itemised checklist for what that specifically means. It’s going to be hard work and full on and challenging – this is both a little bit daunting and also the reason I went for the position. There’s room for me to grow and evolve and that’s exciting. So … this was a good thing.

And today we headed off to the jewellers to hand over my gems for my engagement ring, I’d been working to and fro with her on ideas for the ring and today we finalised it. And we got to use the gems as the deposit. There aren’t many moments in your life where you get to use stones as currency and I loved it! It did make me feel a bit like a swashbuckling pirate. I also played up a bit with the “have you brought the diamonds?” It’s not often you get to feel like you’re in a heist movie! I’m happy to have locked in a decision and am really looking forward to seeing the final product. Couple of weeks and I’ll finally have it. It’s amazing how many people’s eyes go straight to your left hand when you tell them you just got engaged. I’ve also been blown away by how many women will let you try on their rings to see what you like and what suits your hand.

That’s mostly my weekly check in. I’m intending to go back to working one full solid day of the weekend for TPP to make up for the lack of time I have in the week now from the commute. I was really really tired (and headachy) the first couple of nights and couldn’t do anything other than collapse on the couch. It’s amazing how draining just showing up to a new place, learning the ropes and meeting new people can be. I mean, I worked the full week before I started here and in work really similar. It’s not like I suddenly rocked up in ER for a Saturday night shift after being a pool boy or anything. Weird.

I had a really good week. One of those rare great weeks that I can’t even remember the last time I had one. And I don’t mean a week in which something awesome and unexpected happens. I mean, that the whole week rocked.

Monday I had to tell the boss I had given notice and that Friday would be my last day. I’d been kinda dreading it because I wanted to avoid discussing it. He’d been away since about 8th of Dec so… yeah it went how I thought it would go.

Tuesday though was the team’s farewell lunch for me and M, who was also leaving. It was really lovely and my face hurt from smiling for the rest of the day. A couple of past team members came along which was so lovely for the opportunity to catch up with them. And we both were given a voucher for a manicure/facial and I got this frog, which is a bit of a work in-joke. I think it’s hilarious and I’m going to take it to work and put it on my new desk.

And then when I got back to the office, reception called to tell me I had a delivery and when I wandered down to collect it, I discovered that C had sent me flowers and chocolates to wish me good luck on my change of job. And everyone agreed that he is a great guy and a keeper. But I already knew that.

Wednesday and Thursday I spent tying up loose ends, writing handover notes and filing and trying to mentally and emotionally move on. I’m kinda sad about leaving this team and the work. I’ve been there 4 years and I feel like I accomplished a few biggish kind of achievements and worked towards progressing some weaker areas. I networked a lot and met a lot of really great people, both in my agency and outside it. And I’m going to miss my team. Though M is also leaving so the team is kind of splitting up in any case.

Friday was my last day and I spent it really manically trying to finish up memos and letters to pass on to the others to just wrap up and send out. And I packed up my office and we had afternoon tea and then … then I left. And I couldn’t really believe that I had given them my keys to the building and was actually leaving. There were lots of hugs and that was the moment that I finally realised it was real and that I was sad. And J gave me the gorgeous card up in the top photo which says “Well-behaved women rarely make history”. I’d gotten a really lovely group card and so many people said so many beautiful and well meant things and then I got this follow up one from a teammate who I have I guess gotten really close to only in the last year or so. We’ve had so many heart to hearts and she held my hand at work through Swancon. So sad to leave her but also so touched that she really “got” me. Isn’t that what we all want in life, to be understood?

C had dropped me to work and so had picked me up, and attended the small farewell afternoon tea so I had him to leave with and not feel really down about having left my team. And we headed off to do more shopping and then to have an early dinner at the Daily Planet before meeting Marianne and Jonathan to see Ira Glass! I had been so looking forward to this. We headed up to the bar to hang out, wondering if they might come up there but they didn’t and then I couldn’t remember if we’d booked our tickets to be seated together. We hadn’t, as I recall now, we’d just talked about it online and both bought tickets at the same time. It was only then that I realised that we would just be at the same event together but not actually *with* each other. So we went in and were looking for where our seats, they were 3 rows from the front and C turned to me and said, “really?” and all I could do was shrug and say, “I’m a REALLY big fan”. And then … and then you won’t believe it. Our seats were right next to Marianne and Jonathan. Unplanned, pure coincidence, utter serendipity. And in that exact moment, as we sat down next to our friends and C settled in for 2 hours of watching someone he’d never heard of speak, I knew that the universe was smiling down at me, and that everything will be be ok. That I am in the right place, at the right time. Finally.

And I just loved Ira Glass. It was a fantastic performance. Really interesting and engaging and so very very enlightening, not just on how they  put the show (This American Life) together but on what they intend for the show to be and a lot on good storytelling. I got a lot out of it – first the buzz of inspiration to want to go home immediately and throw myself back into TPP but second, he had a lot of interesting things to say about storytelling and on building momentum and how to seduce your reader/listener to not put the work down/turn off the radio. Since I’m currently reading novel manuscript submissions and thinking about that a lot, it couldn’t have been a better time to immerse myself in the careful musings of such a great storyteller/editor. And it made me realise how the asking for only 3 chapters is really a great submission process because, I should NEED to ask for the rest of the manuscript because I NEED to know where the story goes. And if I don’t, then that’s not a project for me. I also really got a lot out of how he spoke about the show and how he thinks about what it is and so on. I think you do need to know what your intent is from the outset. If not what it will end up being, at least what it is that you set out to do. Because that should underpin every decision you make after that and should allow you to constantly check back in with whether what you are doing now is consistent with what your project model or philosophy is.  At the end of the day, when I’m stuck on rejections, I do this, I look back at what TPP is and what I see that it should be, and if something doesn’t fit with that, then it’s not a project for me.

After the show, we headed off for coffee, the four of us and just hung out and caught up. And it was the perfect end to a damn fine week.

Ah. First day of my 12 days of leave and I already feel like I’m too knackered to have accomplished anything. I know, I know, it’s only 1pm. But still!

Had a lovely cuppa with Tehani this morning. It was so good to just catch up. And I shall miss her terribly when she leaves for Tasmania. I think I have only just started to feel settled enough here in this house to be ready to do the whole “pop out for a cuppa and chat” thing. So I guess I never really took proper advantage of living so close to another kindred spirit. Still. We won’t live here forever. And I shall resolve to do better next year in popping in for cuppas with Terri (who will be on the way home from work now) and Helen.

I described 2011 to Tehani as a year of waking up and smelling the coffee. I quite like that description. I’ve been thinking the year over a lot recently as I mull over how I want to blog the year in summary. This was the first time I thought about it that way, and I think it’s apt. It was a year in which the veil was lifted for me in a whole bunch of arenas and a year in which my hand was forced to see and tell the honest truth and act on it. Because when you move out of denial, you *have* to act. The other option is no longer an acceptable alternative for me, after this year. In other words, I wrote in a previous post that things were getting really real down here (I love that Missy Higgins song) and there was no escaping that. And you know, the smell of coffee all about. So it was a year of culling – possessions, unwanted commitments, pretense and unrealistic expectations (maybe one way of putting it). A lot of drawing the lines for things and realising what my personal boundaries are. It was a deeply confronting and at times very stressful and discomforting year. But also a year in which the pay off of that was, without exception, ending up in a better place or position. The whole lotus in the mud thing (the deeper and richer the mud, the more beautiful the lotus).

And so on that whole crunch time thing, today I start my new workout routine. I’ve been working on this program for the last couple of days, the first parts being getting your head around a bunch of stuff. Again with the facing down the awful truths etc. It’s been more eye opening than I thought it would be. Right now I am thinking up a bunch of reasons why I should start the workout phase tomorrow and not today. But that would be an excuse and I don’t do that anymore. The idea of changing personal habits still fascinates me. I am very much a creature of habit and I do not like change at all. I spent the whole of November complaining about C’s facial hair as he grew his moustache and  beard (for work had to have both if he wanted the mo) and then was upset the day he finally shaved it all off. “You really don’t like change, do you?” was his response.

So yeah. I *like* the habits and ruts I find myself in even if they aren’t healthy or productive or useful. And I start to panic at the suggestion of changing them. I worry that I won’t be me anymore and I don’t cope well with suggestions like: why not do it for just a little while? Or what about doing this on Monday and that on Tuesday? I am a total routine person.

And yet? So far this year, I *have* made important changes (in terms of degree of change *to me*) and have found them extremely beneficial, enjoyed them AND have not lost my sense of self. Really, I do wonder how it is that I define this “self”. I had gotten into a long lasting habit of watching TV before bedtime – sometimes 2 or 3 episodes of a show I was watching at the time – and would watch on my laptop in bed before falling asleep by midnight or 1am. Like, I’ve been doing this for years. And I prided myself on being a night owl. I’ve always been one, I did my most productive work after 7.30pm and I didn’t really sleep that well. When I moved in with C he gently suggested we not have a TV in the bedroom (!!!) which I felt was fine actually, because I had my laptop. And then a couple of months ago, I guess after coming from the US, I started instead going to bed early – I aim to be asleep by 10 but it’s mostly 10.30 – and I started taking a book to bed to read a chapter or two before sleeping. And now it’s become more going in a couple of hours before bedtime and doing maybe 2 or 3 hours of reading (not just books but also internet and publishing) and most importantly, no longer watching much TV in the week. I have become *that* person. I would seriously never have believed I could watch maybe only an hour of TV on some nights during the week. The concept of turning off the TV *in preference to do something else* has never ever been part of my mindset. Ever. Partly TV these days is so crap. But also I have so many other things I want to do in preference (who IS this person?). I still watch TV but I prefer to do it in longer sessions on say a day of the weekend whilst doing other things too.

Am I still me?

Couple the above with the giving up a true love of mine – coffee. Which helps with the falling asleep by 10/10.30 pm and then sleeping a long uninterrupted sleep. Guess what? I feel fantastic. And as my friends have pointed out – I was so so so sick before I went away and then after I got back. I’d say my health has improved 200% compared to how I felt in October. And it’s not just these changes. Of course it’s some other more personal ones too. But almost all these are about me taking control and responsibility for my life and for how I feel. And it’s not yet second nature. There is still a lot of searching whether I am choosing something because I think it’s what someone else (maybe the person asking etc) wants me to choose or because it’s what I want. And that is still involving me realising I sometimes choose the first over the second. But importantly I’m now changing that.

Mmm coffee.

You know, every year, I watch all my crazy crafty friends do that pre Christmas Eve panic as they try to fit what I think is three months of knitting or sewing into the last 4 days to get their gifts finished on time. I’ve watched this and thought it was insanity. And so this year, when I fell in love with some over the top Christmas fabric, in September, I justified purchase of it by deciding to make hand made gifts this year. You see where this is going. But! But I started in November! And I am still, no, I am still not finished. Sigh. My fingers hurt as I madly hand quilt. I have recruited my Mum to help me finish off. And I am still wayyyy behind. My annual leave starts today and I shall be spending tomorrow furiously at (craft) work to at least meet some of my Christmas Day deadlines.

In thinking over this madness, and the need to obviously start earlier than November, even for what is a relatively simple project, I’ve realised that I would resent starting making gifts for Xmas in June. Like that would encroach into my personal crafting time, for making things for me. And in recent days, I’ve been looking forward to finishing this project in order to get stuck into the projects I had earmarked for working on in my holidays. But I also realised that making these gifts has kickstarted me back into sewing every night, which I hadn’t been doing before that. So that I will easily slide back into regular crafting afterwards, when I hadn’t before.

And I always have this massive introspection when I fall into what I think is a new routine – will it mean the old one is gone for good? Have I changed? What does  this mean? etc etc. Because ultimately, I’ve reduced the amount of time I have for craft in the evening because I go to bed earlier than I used to and I now spend maybe half an hour, sometimes an hour, reading in bed before I sleep. One of the new things I started when I came back from the US. It means I have less time for crafting but I am reading more. Cue the loop that is the beginning of this sentence.

So that’s like my general update. Too busy running around chasing my tail this last month. Too much to do, too little time. I’m wrapping up at my current day job and will have the first half of January to hand over before I move on. My new job will involve a long commute. A commute that will add an extra hour of commuting to my day and I already commute two hours a day. It’s the one and only main con for this position. And I don’t know how I’m going to go. But I’ve had some fantastic suggestions on this. Obviously its a great chance to catch up on all the podcasts I’m behind on. So that will be great. I’m thinking of finally exploring audio books – driving 15 hours a week will mean I can actually listen to a book a week. But my favourite suggestion so far came from a colleague in a different team who said, “hey did you know that you can get Adobe Reader to read you out your pdfs?” Well no, I did not know this. AND OMG I nearly hugged him. Because we shall be reading novel submissions come January 1 and the thought of losing more of my time  for TPP from commuting (driving is the only option) was making me feel a bit sad. But if I could get my computer to read out submissions to me? Well then my commute is not a waste at all – I can be productive and its not so easy to be distracted by the internet etc. Last night C set it up for me on my laptop. And he’d bought me an iTrip as a present a few weeks ago which I’ve been using to listen to podcasts whilst driving. So I may very well be all set up AND be in a more productive situation than previously. Very excited.

I hope your last days of December are going well. I wish you all the best for the holiday season and a very happy new year. I hope to be around here in the next few days catching up on some thoughts and so on. But I’m also planning all sorts of other things that I want to do.

Phew, what a day today. I dragged myself out of bed cause I stayed up too late last night reading – something I am going to repeat tonight (so close to Xmas!) – and was finally out the door at 7am instead of my usual 6.40. And I was 30 mins down the road when my car died. First the radio went. Then the indicators. Then the whole thing just suddenly lost momentum. Luckily I could pull off into the emergency lane. I checked my phone and yup, sure enough, I had 9% charge left on it. So I calmly called C and asked him to call the RAC and then I waited for them. A very nice man actually stopped to see if I was alright though he couldn’t help me. I thought it was nice that he stopped all the same – chivalry/good behaviour is not dead! The first RAC man determined that my alternator had died and helped me to get the car off the freeway and to Cockburn Gateway and to call the tow truck. I’d waited about 45 minutes for the first RAC man and then he told me the tow would be about an hour, that I should head off to get a coffee and come back. I raced off to Big W (yay for being open before 9!) and got a phone charger (and then a hot chocolate on the way through) and raced back to my car. At which point I really was cursing myself for wearing my highest heels that day and for not packing a paper book for the first time in weeks. And when I got back to my car and charged my phone off my laptop, I discovered I’d already been texted for the tow. Not at hour/90 minute wait after all.

Much of the rest of the day was spent much less dramatically – the tow truck took me to the mechanic where I left my car. I got picked up and taken to my parents. Then I waited for the car to be repaired, did some work on the laptop, ran errands and had coffee (hot chocolate for me) with my dad. And in this running errands bit I discovered that my print run of Bad Power had arrived yesterday! Had I not had to come north to get my car fixed, I wouldn’t have been near my post office til maybe Saturday or early next week! So that was a big bonus!

I raced home through peak hour to make it in time for the Galactic Suburbia recording! And then I did the Bad Power mail out!

In fact, a rather mellow day, when all is said and done. Tomorrow I go back to work for some unpleasant things to face – why do people leave things to the very last gasps of the working year and then expect you to work miracles? Canna be done, Cap’n. And we have our end of year thing tomorrow afternoon. And then … 8 days left of work and perhaps a wee bit of a change for me in the coming year.

Plans plans plans. My head is swimming with plans of what I want to do in the future and it’s very difficult to stay enthusiastic about the grind of the present – you know that whole winding things up for the end of year thing.

I’ve suddenly got an exciting holiday to plan and granted it’s a long way away from now but still. Planning! Things to do! Things I want to see! Must make a “indicative” suggestion list. Wouldn’t want to be too scheduled but but but! SO EXCITED. Ahem.

Some time ago Deb had me promise to consider taking the month of December or January off TPP. To just … break. And relax. I think today I realised that’s probably not going to happen. I’m a bit sad about that but am also really revved up on the projects I’m currently working on and want to give as much time as I can to them. I want them to be the best I can make them. And I ended up behind in 2011 which I understand but can’t quite forgive myself for. Yes, yes, I can hear C’s refrain in the background.

Anyway, it is what it is. And I don’t do well idle anyway.

I keep forgetting I only have Xmas and New Years off – maybe 10 days, maybe a little more, I haven’t counted yet. But I have this huge list of things I somehow genuinely think is reasonable to get done in that time. Like I want to catch up on a bunch of TV shows. And I want to get stuck into finishing a few of my quilting projects. These two are compatible but um in 10 days? I can probably *work* on one project and undoubtedly will *start* several new ones. Thereby not completely goal A and setting myself to have even more UFOs (unfinished objects) for next Xmas. I also want to clean out and tidy the two spare rooms – one of which is currently the TPP storeroom and craft dumping ground. The other has two cupboards of craft supplies that I want to organise and audit. I also have a bunch of novels I want to finish. Last Short Story to get on top of. Oh and the rest. Like, all the TPP tasks I haven’t gotten to this year and the new projects/ideas I want to initiate or implement.

Rationalising is needed. I know.

And then I’m starting to think about 2012. It’s a new year. I’ll be getting married. I’m thinking of the cons I might attend and the ones I won’t. There’s change afoot in my day job and at this stage I don’t know which way that’s going to play out. And I feel like I need to set some rules for my hobbies. Yeah yeah I know how that sounds. But maybe something like, I can only buy a new book for every 2 that I finish reading. OR something. And I signed up for Cookie A’s sock club. It’s been a few years since I joined a sock club and that’s because I was using it as an elite sock yarn collecting exercise. This one though is a lot of fun – it’s the choice of 2 sock patterns with a skein of yarn every other month and two cookie recipes to bake to go along with it. It’s the cookie recipes that sealed the deal for me. And on umming and ahhing about it, C said to me – well I guess I’ll be baking the cookies. Damn  I love that man. And the thing I’m coming to finally realise is -  I can be superwoman and do it all but only because he does some of the things for/with me. Which the more I think about it, the more I realise this  is what is called a partnership or a team.

Really, I do keep meaning to update but time is just getting away from me. Seriously, where the hell did November go? I’m not even sure that we actually did all 30 days of it? C and I keep looking at each other and wondering where the month went but also noting that we did a heck of a lot of things this year too. I’m planning on making a wrap up end of year list to remind myself because I know it’s going to be ridiculous.

I’m still doing my 6am starts with being at work by 7.30am. And that means I’m going to bed 10ish which feels like I have very little time in the evenings, or outside work. It must be about the same though, surely? Though, I am also using these hours so probably I have less hanging about in my out of work hours. Today we opened up the Dance Central 2 game that C bought me cause I said I would dance if I had it. And we had a good hour of that. I kinda think that dancing is a far more fun way to get fit than booooring going to the gym agaaaain. Plus I’ve been watching So You Think You Can Dance on Friday nights on 11 and missing that part of my life a bit. And then I had a terrible dream last night, a nightmare if you will, that I went to audition for SYTYCD and the only judge on the panel was Robert Shearman and my body just … well … it got old and it couldn’t do any of the things it used to. Well that put a light under my bushel (is that the saying?).

Other than that, we’ve been recording podcasts - Galactic Suburbia the week before last and then again this week. And I’m enjoying actually finishing novels. I have a new one for this week’s episode and am determined to finish Yarn by it too. So that we can get on with the spoilerific podcast for that. But somehow, I’m working my way through my very pared down to read queue by my bed and actually books are making it to the real bookshelves at the other end of the house. I can read! Phew!! Though I keep thinking of all the things I want to get done in my holidays and forgetting that I am not 9 anymore and it’s only 10 days and not 10 weeks. Bummer.

We also recorded a new episode of Live and Sassy. You know what December is like – I really don’t know why we a) all leave everything to the last 4 weeks of the year and b) have this imaginary line in time where simply MUST catch up with everyone we know before the end of the year, as though terrible things will happen if we leave some of them til the week after just cause it’s the first week of the next year. Anyway, so our calendars didn’t coordinate so well and we skyped this episode. We’ll be back to doing it live in a cafe and annoying our listeners with background noise early in the new year.

And books! And projects! I’m really pushing to get a few projects to the printer’s by Xmas so that I can work in a I’m in the Future kind of publishing world in 2012. We’ll see how that goes. I’m expecting Bad Power to arrive any day now. And we have Showtime in layout proofing. And Through Splintered Walls is shaping up nicely. I’m also working on a novella project which we’ll announce soon. And another possible sekret project. And of course, I’m clearing the decks for the novel submission month of January.

And planning a wedding. I only just realised today that I get to plan a holiday as well since we know where we are off to on our honeymoon. EXCITING!!! Yesterday we all trouped back to the wedding venue and did very important things like sign the contract and pay the deposit. Tis booked. And they said “see you in 8 – 10 weeks before the wedding” – OMG! And I got a showbag which was rather exciting. Or you know … useful. The venue owner finally managed to convey to my mother what I had failed to do so -the awesomeness of bonbonierre. It’s not a thing in our culture so it’s a completely foreign convept to us, I guess. However, we now have some awesome ideas to play with for that.

So, you know. Busy.

Wow, has it really been almost a week between blog posts? I’ve been wanting to blog all week but the funniest thing has been going on – I’ve been falling asleep before getting round to it. By 10/10.30 pm. Like I said, the funniest thing.

So maybe just the highlights:

• I have now been caffeine free (apart from chocolate) for about a month. And oddly, loving it. It’s far enough away now to remember that I love coffee but to not quite remember just what that means. I feel great. I sleep a good 8 hours, except when I’m eating into that by reading a chapter or two before sleeping, and I feel refreshed in the morning. That thing people talk about? Rest. Refreshed. Raring to go? That’s me now! I actually get up at 6am and whilst not bouncing out of bed like C, I don’t really have to drag myself. And I’m three weeks now having started work at 7.30am. It’s pretty good.

• I seem to have less time. And that might be an illusion but it feels like I need to triage my day when I get home. I have enough time to do housework or TPP before dinner but I still have energy to be able to throw at it at that hour. And then after dinner I have maybe an hour to watch TV and sew and/or an hour or so to read, catch up on the internet and so on. And then it’s bed. I’m sleeping more, so I have less time. But I feel better and I’m hoping that means I will work more efficiently (and get sick/burnout less).

• I’m actually reading. For fun. One day a week at work I manage to read during lunch. And I’m reading for about an hour before bed – a lot of that is internet catching up but I am reading. I finished one book and I’m about a third of the way through another. And it feels good. I’m actually reading! And getting through a to read pile (my bedside table one) and putting books away and relaxing before sleeping.

• I’m watching less TV. And I’m not missing it. I almost watch no free to air now. And then I watch a season or something of whatever I’m watching on the weekend.

• I think I might be finding some kind of zen balance here.

• Yet I’m still waiting for a phonecall. Maybe it will come next week. Waiting is such torture.

• This year has been one helluva crazy ride. One of the things I’ve been deconstructing is the idea of what I actually like/want versus what I think I should like/want/be. It’s very irritating to realise how much I hold onto as ideas of who I think I should be but actually am totally not. I think what kickstarted the thought process was one night when I was screwing my face up whilst eating some dip that I thought was disgusting. C said to me “You don’t like it.” And I replied, “But I really want to like it” and continued to try it and he sorta yelled “But you don’t LIKE IT!” (in the way that he doesn’t actually yell.) Anyway so after that I’ve started looking at things and asking myself if I like it/want it/enjoy it or is it just something that I think is part of some me that I would like to be. Rather than am. I guess in a way it’s a process of accepting myself as I am and giving away an idea that I can change/mould myself to be something else. Cause… what’s wrong with the me I am, anyway?  Like, in all the bridal magazines, the Maldives seem like where you should go for your honeymoon. I’m like looking at the picture, all that blue blue ocean, all those restful huts overlooking stunning vistas. And I’m like, that looks so dreamy and relaxing. And then I read the article to see what the people in the pictures had done on their honeymoon and I’m like, “I would *hate* that”. We’re gonna do something else. I still kinda want to be the person who would enjoy that and one day I want to see that. But you know, that’s not really me. And that’s ok. Cause then when C suggested where he thought we should go it was like a hell yes destination.

You know, I really do love this early morning start thing. For a bunch of extra reasons that I didn’t mention in yesterday’s post – I can take my full lunch half hour now instead of needing it to make up time. I don’t get the mid afternoon slump. I get a chance to do a few things in the morning before my phone starts ringing etc. (Half my team starts at 7.30 so it’s not silent but it is peaceful). I can order my lunch early and have best pick of the muffins. And I really do feel better, within myself. I’m sleeping more. I’m eating less junk food at night. And I’m making the small random changes I want to make, because I feel like I can. Like … finally taking my mug down to the canteen instead of getting a takeaway cup. The kind of stuff you worry about later when you have less “concerns”.

But.

And there is always a but.

My answer when people ask me how I juggle so much stuff? Yeah, it used to be “I sleep less.” And now I am sleeping up to two hours more a day. I kinda needed that time to get stuff done. I’m really starting to feel it – the less time in the evening after work to do both sewing and also editing etc. It’s a struggle. Yes, I had an hour massage (crick in the neck came back whilst travelling) today and I am probably blowing it out of proportion. But still. I will say that sticking to this routine over the weekend meant we’d accomplishing A LOT by lunchtime each day. And it might be that I just need to be stricter about TPP working hours on the weekend from now on. Something tells me that feeling better physically *should* eventually translate to better quality, more efficient work. Right? Right?

ETA: I remembered too that I am now reading for an hour before bed. I used to work right up until falling asleep, whilst watching TV. Now I am getting much wanted reading done – yay – at the expense of work – not yay and much less television watching – both yay and not yay.

I promised Deb that I would think about taking all of December off from Twelfth Planet Press.  I still have a lot to get done before January and that idea is looking less likely. But, I am intending to have off the leave days I take from work as complete days off and am already planning the TV I’m gonna watch and the crafting I’m gonna finish whilst watching it. But I miss crafting – I’ve barely had time for it the last two months or so. So I’m going to try and post a pic every day of something that I’ve done that day – it might not be anything special, it might be cutting out pieces to be sewn another day but every journey begins with the first step, right?

Today’s photo is the first block for some Xmas presents. I’m feeling very in the kitschy Xmas mood this year. And this material is just perfect. I just cut out a bunch more and the material (assorted trees and reindeer and baubles) makes me smile.

In other news, I can report I managed a 7.30am start at work every day this week. I loved it so much I made C set the alarm over the weekend to make sure that I didn’t fall out of the routine. I’m so terrified this is all just jetlag and that I’ll flip back to my old ways. Thing is, I’ve been doing a few other things that are uncharacteristic for me too, which has people around me feeling discombobulated.

I’ve given up coffee. And don’t even miss it. Ok maybe I miss it a bit but I’ve also been falling asleep between 9pm and 10pm and am wondering if that’s as a result of giving up the caffeine. Plus my guts are still not up to coffee again. A friend at work freaked out when I made a herbal tea in the afternoon. She was like, “I’ve never seen you drink tea before!” – we’ve worked together for about 4 years now. And I actually *do* like tea. I just, I fall into routines and I don’t come out of them, I guess.

I feel better. Like a lot better. I like the getting a jump start on the day. I like getting to go home by 3.30 – no mid afternoon slump. I feel like I’m sleeping better and I’m getting 8 hours a night now. I’m eating better. And I feel more cheerful. I think I worked better at my day job last week than I have in a while (though have also had a bit of a break, with the US trip). I like the new routine. And trust me, I never ever thought I would say that. I’ve not been a morning person for at least the last twenty years.

Here’s to it sticking!

It turns out that going to World Fantasy Con marks important milestones in my life. THIS time, I’m heading off engaged!

Last night C asked me to marry him and I said yes.

And it’s a very surreal and odd experience – the aftermath, that is. Everyone wants to know if you’ve set a date yet (we haven’t) and where you’re getting married (OMG haven’t even thought about it yet!) and the details of how he proposed. And that one’s funny. We don’t have a story (my sister says we need to manufacture one) and what actually happened actually feels really personal and intimate. Which in itself is weird – what? You mean I don’t want to talk about something that happened in my life in minute detail ? – yeah, weird.

I’ve spent the last five years deprogramming myself from the Hollywood bullshit and it turns out, that life is not a movie. There are no script writers, make up artists, costumers, producers or stage runners. There is no perfect time, no perfect sentence and no perfectly constructed set up for the important moments in life. Or rather, it turns out, that when you find the perfect person, it’s always the perfect time, the perfect sentence and the perfectly constructed setting.

I haven’t been this happy in my life for a very very long time. Every week I notice myself reclaiming aspects of myself that I long put away in deep freeze. I feel like in my life it’s spring again and the sun feels warm on my face.  C and I just fit together, like two pieces of a whole. We understand each other and we are a team. And life is good and full of laughter and geeky jokes. And love and support. I feel loved by him every single day, whether he is home or away at work. And I feel heard, and appreciated and supported. I feel valued and important. And I also love him very much. He makes me laugh. He learned to cook cause I said he had to. He is a good and loyal friend. And now, we are going to be together. For. The. Rest. Of. Our. Lives.

I’m blogging right before I head off to bed with a silly book and a cup of tea because I feel like today was less productive than I hoped it would be.

I went to bed very uncomfortably last night, really not being able to explain why my wrist elbows and shoulders were so sore. I couldn’t work out if I’d eaten something that maybe I shouldn’t (tomatoes, eggplants) or didn’t get enough sleep (I have this thing) or what. As I lay there with a hot pack, it began to rain and I realised … oh yeah! That. New thing this year, I seem to be getting achy joints right before it rains. This is sad because I love stormy weather. Also, I’m only 35. Is it going to be like this from now on? And, I did not give my grandmother anywhere near the sympathy she deserved for her arthritis. I think that’s such a vague describer and I never really understood until I started to have this moving, achy, painful thing this year. She suffered for years with it and it got much worse towards the end of her life.

Anyway, so I woke up still quite sore and that’s extended til now. Even my fingers are starting to ache. And by about 3pm, I had this horrible headache set in. I can’t work out if that’s hayfever (it’s a really bad year) or some kind of cold I am getting or if I am having difficulty staring at the screen at work all day (doing slightly different work to what I used to do). Blah, listen to how complainy I am!

I came home and floomped, basically. I pushed myself to do a few things:

• edited final story in Bad Power and sent back to Deb
• updated TPP finance spreadsheets
• created a second ebook product in the TPP webstore for the Kindle version of Love and Romanpunk (broke my brain on that)
• created my first shipment on the TNT website whereupon apparently they will come and collect my delivery for me (cept I booked it for Weds which is Jewish New Year so now I have to move it but I printed off all the forms already blah blah)

Not much, as I said. And now I will take my sorry self to bed.