Champagne and Socks

Oh look, here’s another topic I have been struggling to pull into a coherent piece. We’re getting married. And I’m over the moon that I am going to marry C. I’m really excited about our wedding day and the life we are planning together. But I have to admit that the planning of the wedding, for me, is an internal struggle between two parts. And as we get deeper into this, it gets more uncomfortable and as such I am getting less and less decisive on things. Which means, I am embarrassed to admit, C is doing much more of the coordination of details than me.

Here’s the thing. There is 12 year old me aka the Hollywood stereotype thinker and there’s 36 year old me – independent woman, feminist, etc. They actually agree far less often than you might think.

12 year old me has always dreamed of the white dress, the veil, being walked down the aisle. The whole kit and caboodle. And in some ways, this would be the really easy option. Open up the Hollywood recipe of how to plan a wedding, follow steps A through W and bazinga you have yourself the white wedding we all dreamed of.

The thing is … I’m 36. And I’m not the wide-eyed innocent swapping her parents’ home for her husband’s, to be wife and mother. I’m really struggling with a lot of the symbology of weddings. And I think it would be really easy to just not think about them and I spose a lot of people don’t. But I started to think about what things mean, as people ask do I want this or that, and I don’t want to be an automaton. I don’t want to do things just because that’s what is expected or because everyone else does. But as soon as you start to think about deeper meanings and symbolism of rituals, it really starts to hurt your brain. So for example, I’m not something “to be given away” – I’m not property and noone owns me and more than that, I already left home some time ago and earn my own keep. I’m not really comfortable with a veil – what’s that about, hiding the bride’s face and all that? And then there’s the dress itself. Can I really, with a straight face, saunter down the aisle in a big white meringue and not look completely over the top? Except, some little part of me still says, in a very tiny voice, but I want to wear the dress! And .. it’s not often you have an occasion to wear a ball gown, so why not? And … but veils are so pretty! And this is a one time chance to wear one. Picking wedding colours, styles and a theme feels so defined, such a statement of “this is who I am/who we are” when really it might just be one aspect of who we are. On the other hand, we’re planning a wedding here and decisions need to be made and things booked and deposits paid. It’s all rather overwhelming.

I blogged before about this: I want our wedding to be meaningful to us and represent who we are and what kind of life we plan to make together. It very much needs to be a blend of the two of us. And for my part, throwing out a lot of the traditions feels right and wrong at the same time – I am a person who loves ritual but at the same time, cannot go along with things that have always been just because they have always been so when they let women down. Which means we have the chance to start from the foundations and build upwards. But I have no idea what that means or what that will eventually look like. Or where to start thinking about that.

That all makes it sound so much more tortured than it is! We had a lot of fun going wedding cake tasting which I might confess I took inspiration from the Gilmore Girls. Oddly though, I got over cake much quicker than I thought I would. We didn’t even eat all the cakes here in this wedding cake taster box! And in the end, it only took a morning of doing the wedding cake circuit to find the cake I wanted and lock it in. Though I maintain I will find an event to plan so I can order and serve the light green cake with Japanese orange blossoms

PS. After I wrote this post, I realised that I want to change the theme of our wedding. C just rolled his eyes. Though it has meant that I spent the weekend creating picture boards of my ideas for the theme and I’m much more excited and feel much more focused and clear on what I think I want.

Well. This blogging thing has fallen over. I’ve got so many posts I want to write and I’m beside myself that right now I have absolutely no time to even draft out words for them. This week went by in a blur. Last weekend we had our engagement party, just a small thing for very close family and friends, and I want to post about that and some other wedding related things. I’m hoping to grab some photos first – one of my uncles took like 450 photos! Can’t wait to see them. Anyway, we were utterly exhausted Sunday night after the weekend and that’s never a good way to enter the work week.

By Thursday I was so knackered that I got into work, woke up and realised I felt vile, sat at my desk working for 2 hours and ran hot and cold and awful and then got back in my car, drove an hour and a half home and collapsed fully clothed on my bed. And slept. And slept. And Slept. And I don’t nap. I mean, I NEVER nap. Not even when I’ve pulled an allnighter or flown 36 hours to the other side of the world. I hate napping. And then I was Zombie!GJ for the rest of the evening. Bleurgh. I would have also taken Friday off but we had this big meeting on and I knew that I needed to be there for it to figure out my role in the project (which I’m glad I did attend because now I do know what’s going on and how to move forward. Also weird to have been doing this gig long enough to go to random meeting with 10 people from all over the place and know like half of them really well.)

Anyway, I mostly stayed on nutrition track this week. Treat meal came a little early in the week but I’ve managed to avoid falling off the tracks this weekend. Exercise though fell by the wayside. I was just so freaking tired, I was literally dragging myself through the week and standing next to walls to avoid falling over. I skipped three days of exercise, only getting back on the wagon yesterday. So I only managed to lose 0.5kg this week. On the other hand, normally for me, a week like this one, I would have yoyo’ed back up a bit so that I’m taking as a win. But yeah. One of the excuses I noted down that I use before I started this thing, is “I feel sick” and that is such a hard one to navigate. Should I have continued dragging my arse through cardio on Thurs and Fri? I do know my body and self pretty well and I was hitting the wall on Thursday. I reckon if I hadn’t pulled the plug on some stuff, I’d have been ill in bed this weekend.

Fact is, currently this routine is unsustainable. There is no time left in the day after commuting, working, exercise and sleep. I’ve been trying to find time for TPP and that’s ended up being taken out of the sleep bucket. Doesn’t really work long term. I’m a bit better on track with the upcoming books - Showtime is at the printers, Through Splintered Walls is half at proofing and half at finalising final copy edits, I’ve begun working through Salvage edits, Cracklescape is almost ready to go to layout and we’re working on edits for Asymmetry. Though I’m only ever happy when it’s not me being the bottleneck. And it’s possible that with the end of last week, I am. And of course my readers are working through the novel manuscripts and I’ve made a start on those. Publicity and marketing are behind. And I had one grant application to submit last week (done but through the haze of exhaustion) and one still to be written for next month. And I’m working on a talk that I’m giving on a Saturday in a couple of weeks. And so on and on and on.

It’s not sustainable right now.  Tired. So very very tired.

It’s been a really full on week, and I want to sit and write about it. But first I have a couple of Twelfth Planet Press developments that I really want to plug in this space.

This space. What is it anyway? What is it *for*? I really knew what my livejournal account was for, I knew why I posted there and I knew what and how and for whom. But after nearly 200 posts in this new space, it still feels like clothes that don’t quite fit or  party where you don’t really know anyone. I thought if I just wrote, it would sort itself out, that I would find a voice or a tone or a something. But I haven’t really. LJ always felt more intimate. It felt more personal. But then, 5 years ago, I could write a lot more anonymously than now. And now it just feels really self conscious.

Anyway.

I started my new job this week. And for much of the week I just wanted to write a post with the one sentence: Life is weird. But halfway through I thought, no … life is interesting. When I first applied for this job I knew there was an hour and a half commute and I told C that I would have to leave home at *7.30* to get there by 9 and we both wondered how in the hell I would be able to do that. But then … then I had that weird jetlag thing and I started the getting to work at 7.30 thing so leaving home at 6.30 was completely doable. And so it is. And I dunno. Isn’t life funny the way totally disparate things can synchronise?

I like my new job and workplace so far. Everybody is really nice. I really like my new boss and team. The drive is long but I have signed up to try out Audible. com and that’s been working well. And the view is very pleasant. I’ve restructured the way I eat in the day so as to not get sugar drops on the long drives. I’ve started packing my own lunches now as well as breakfast cause there is no onsite canteen. And I’m happy. So far I’m really happy. The work is interesting and challenging. It’s enough in my experience to be able to hit the ground jogging but broader than my knowledge so that I will have to work hard to get up to speed for the level I will be expected to perform at – but I got an itemised checklist for what that specifically means. It’s going to be hard work and full on and challenging – this is both a little bit daunting and also the reason I went for the position. There’s room for me to grow and evolve and that’s exciting. So … this was a good thing.

And today we headed off to the jewellers to hand over my gems for my engagement ring, I’d been working to and fro with her on ideas for the ring and today we finalised it. And we got to use the gems as the deposit. There aren’t many moments in your life where you get to use stones as currency and I loved it! It did make me feel a bit like a swashbuckling pirate. I also played up a bit with the “have you brought the diamonds?” It’s not often you get to feel like you’re in a heist movie! I’m happy to have locked in a decision and am really looking forward to seeing the final product. Couple of weeks and I’ll finally have it. It’s amazing how many people’s eyes go straight to your left hand when you tell them you just got engaged. I’ve also been blown away by how many women will let you try on their rings to see what you like and what suits your hand.

That’s mostly my weekly check in. I’m intending to go back to working one full solid day of the weekend for TPP to make up for the lack of time I have in the week now from the commute. I was really really tired (and headachy) the first couple of nights and couldn’t do anything other than collapse on the couch. It’s amazing how draining just showing up to a new place, learning the ropes and meeting new people can be. I mean, I worked the full week before I started here and in work really similar. It’s not like I suddenly rocked up in ER for a Saturday night shift after being a pool boy or anything. Weird.

Really, I do keep meaning to update but time is just getting away from me. Seriously, where the hell did November go? I’m not even sure that we actually did all 30 days of it? C and I keep looking at each other and wondering where the month went but also noting that we did a heck of a lot of things this year too. I’m planning on making a wrap up end of year list to remind myself because I know it’s going to be ridiculous.

I’m still doing my 6am starts with being at work by 7.30am. And that means I’m going to bed 10ish which feels like I have very little time in the evenings, or outside work. It must be about the same though, surely? Though, I am also using these hours so probably I have less hanging about in my out of work hours. Today we opened up the Dance Central 2 game that C bought me cause I said I would dance if I had it. And we had a good hour of that. I kinda think that dancing is a far more fun way to get fit than booooring going to the gym agaaaain. Plus I’ve been watching So You Think You Can Dance on Friday nights on 11 and missing that part of my life a bit. And then I had a terrible dream last night, a nightmare if you will, that I went to audition for SYTYCD and the only judge on the panel was Robert Shearman and my body just … well … it got old and it couldn’t do any of the things it used to. Well that put a light under my bushel (is that the saying?).

Other than that, we’ve been recording podcasts - Galactic Suburbia the week before last and then again this week. And I’m enjoying actually finishing novels. I have a new one for this week’s episode and am determined to finish Yarn by it too. So that we can get on with the spoilerific podcast for that. But somehow, I’m working my way through my very pared down to read queue by my bed and actually books are making it to the real bookshelves at the other end of the house. I can read! Phew!! Though I keep thinking of all the things I want to get done in my holidays and forgetting that I am not 9 anymore and it’s only 10 days and not 10 weeks. Bummer.

We also recorded a new episode of Live and Sassy. You know what December is like – I really don’t know why we a) all leave everything to the last 4 weeks of the year and b) have this imaginary line in time where simply MUST catch up with everyone we know before the end of the year, as though terrible things will happen if we leave some of them til the week after just cause it’s the first week of the next year. Anyway, so our calendars didn’t coordinate so well and we skyped this episode. We’ll be back to doing it live in a cafe and annoying our listeners with background noise early in the new year.

And books! And projects! I’m really pushing to get a few projects to the printer’s by Xmas so that I can work in a I’m in the Future kind of publishing world in 2012. We’ll see how that goes. I’m expecting Bad Power to arrive any day now. And we have Showtime in layout proofing. And Through Splintered Walls is shaping up nicely. I’m also working on a novella project which we’ll announce soon. And another possible sekret project. And of course, I’m clearing the decks for the novel submission month of January.

And planning a wedding. I only just realised today that I get to plan a holiday as well since we know where we are off to on our honeymoon. EXCITING!!! Yesterday we all trouped back to the wedding venue and did very important things like sign the contract and pay the deposit. Tis booked. And they said “see you in 8 – 10 weeks before the wedding” – OMG! And I got a showbag which was rather exciting. Or you know … useful. The venue owner finally managed to convey to my mother what I had failed to do so -the awesomeness of bonbonierre. It’s not a thing in our culture so it’s a completely foreign convept to us, I guess. However, we now have some awesome ideas to play with for that.

So, you know. Busy.

C is always teasing me because I never stop and enjoy the things that I *do* achieve in a day.

Today, we went with my parents to wedding venue choice number 1 to take a tour and try the food. Etc. We loved it. And we pencilled our names in for a date – the date that we could get. Which was  a coupla months further out than we’d thought. Which means that I get extra time. For things. And stuff. And we all loved it, which is great. I wasn’t sure about the date but we popped in to see C’s parents afterwards and they were very happy with it too.

And so … we’re getting married.

Yes, yes, I know we all already knew that but … I was referred to as The Bride. I might have quietly hyperventilated about that – the reference to moments like “Announce the bride” and “We will hide you here and then present etc” – what? everyone is going to be looking at me! Anyway. It feels a lot more real now that we have a date. And my parents were there and we discussed details and and and holy crap! We’re getting married.

When I blogged a few months ago about things suddenly getting very real? This was one of them.

And I booked in for my first facial. Did you know you need to start your moisturising routine a year out from your wedding? You know, to look your best. It’s fascinating the way this industry fuels it’s own demand. All you have to do is tell a bride she needs to have been doing X by yesterday or of course she needs Y and if you haven’t had enough sleep, the crazy starts to sound like sense. And I wouldn’t have bought into the whole facial thing if my workmate who is getting married not long after me, started booking herself in for 6 weekly facials, and she is like, doing nothing at all that’s wedding train. I started to panic – do *I* need to be doing that? Don’t *I* want to look the best that I can look on the day? Meh.

Anyway, we’re getting married!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It turns out that going to World Fantasy Con marks important milestones in my life. THIS time, I’m heading off engaged!

Last night C asked me to marry him and I said yes.

And it’s a very surreal and odd experience – the aftermath, that is. Everyone wants to know if you’ve set a date yet (we haven’t) and where you’re getting married (OMG haven’t even thought about it yet!) and the details of how he proposed. And that one’s funny. We don’t have a story (my sister says we need to manufacture one) and what actually happened actually feels really personal and intimate. Which in itself is weird – what? You mean I don’t want to talk about something that happened in my life in minute detail ? – yeah, weird.

I’ve spent the last five years deprogramming myself from the Hollywood bullshit and it turns out, that life is not a movie. There are no script writers, make up artists, costumers, producers or stage runners. There is no perfect time, no perfect sentence and no perfectly constructed set up for the important moments in life. Or rather, it turns out, that when you find the perfect person, it’s always the perfect time, the perfect sentence and the perfectly constructed setting.

I haven’t been this happy in my life for a very very long time. Every week I notice myself reclaiming aspects of myself that I long put away in deep freeze. I feel like in my life it’s spring again and the sun feels warm on my face.  C and I just fit together, like two pieces of a whole. We understand each other and we are a team. And life is good and full of laughter and geeky jokes. And love and support. I feel loved by him every single day, whether he is home or away at work. And I feel heard, and appreciated and supported. I feel valued and important. And I also love him very much. He makes me laugh. He learned to cook cause I said he had to. He is a good and loyal friend. And now, we are going to be together. For. The. Rest. Of. Our. Lives.