Champagne and Socks

It’s taken me a while to write this post. I’ve been dancing around it. I’ve been struggling with what this space is, what it means and what it represents. And what it’s for. The intention is for this blog to be a more professional voice for me. But what that in itself means, has been something that I’ve been wrestling with – what to talk about here and what not to talk about. What I’ve been really struggling with is whether to talk about here what I am personally going through right now- that I am staring into the abyss, as I call it, and it’s winking back at me.

I wasn’t going to write about it here but for reasons that made me feel ashamed – that talking about depression and other mental illnesses is something to hide, to be ashamed of, that admitting and talking about my personal (sometimes) daily battle might affect my professional business. And maybe it might. But I’m not ashamed and I don’t like the idea that I cannot tell others not to feel ashamed if I won’t similarly talk openly about my own battles and confrontations with the abyss. I’ve been thinking about it all weekend and I feel like, if I am to be judged for my weaknesses, if the fact that I suffer/struggle/battle/manage mental issues will affect how I and my business are perceived, then both should be considered within the whole – my dance with the black dog has been going on for about 8 years now. So … my capacity to achieve, to produce, to create whilst I also dance this dance should speak for itself.

Depression is a symptom of Crohn’s (related to lack of absorption of Vit B etc) and I would have to say that mine probably kicked in around the same time as my Crohn’s surfaced. There were triggering issues in my history that added anxiety to the mix which in turn kickstarted the OCD. I’ve spent a long time fighting this, without drugs, and learning a series of management techniques. My OCD funnily enough left the building, mostly, when I headed off to WFC in 2007 (and I knew that I would come home single, and I did). It now is there but in a much less dominating presence all the time but worsens in situations of extreme stress. The depression, well I’d have to say after the first bout, which was hellish, and took a long time and a big fight to come out of, has only really emerged a few times since and never as bad. I never ever want to go back to the place I was in about 2004/2005. And I keep watch carefully on myself for any early warning signs and break out my management tools to bring myself back over the line.

So that’s a big preamble to get to the point, eh? Which is to say, right now, I’d have to say that I’m struggling to keep my head above water. It’s been a while. My counsellor is watching it. And it’s been worse and less worse over the months this year. And yeah. I get where it’s coming from. I talked previously about burnout and I’m well aware of all the things that got me to this point. I’m not sure if it’s partly just total mental exhaustion with no serious break even on the horizon to catch up and chill out. Many others who have been on convention committees have told me much of this is normal, and how they felt (that should really be in the handbook) postcon. And I have a lot of change going on. Change is good. And all. And I *want* to live with C, very much so. Being with him feels so right in the way that being with anyone else has never felt anything but wrong. And he is unbelievably patient and kind and understanding and supportive. I feel like I’m part of a team with him. And for the first time, I don’t feel alone in the world. But still, moving house is one of the most stressful things and I’m still dealing with some things that I’ve been procrastinating on – ticking emotional time bombs from stuff from the ex, mostly. But at the same time as it being really emotionally confronting, there’s also a lot of forcing myself to work through old feelings and put em to bed. So good, and bad.

But mostly at the moment, I’m fighting one day at a time – to get through the day; to do what I need to do; to slough off the stuff that I really don’t need; to survive. I don’t want to slide into the abyss so I’m doing my best to troubleshoot for it. Mostly though, to be honest, I just want to stay in bed and not.