EntriesSo I moved in with my boyfriend. You’re up to speed on that. And I’ve been grappling with downsizing my possessions, sorting, culling, organising and fitting all of my stuff inside his house. Moving in with your boyfriend is a big deal. And I rushed into that last time, partly due to circumstance, so I was determined not to do that with C. He asked me to move in with him at the beginning of the year and we finally did it by June. The timing was much better that way.
But it’s still felt like a really big deal to move in with him. And maybe that it didn’t last time is an important thing to note. But even so, I’ve joked about whether we were ready to merge our CD and book collections and cull the doubles. And we’re not. That’s like such a huge thing to do. You know?
The thing is. I got burned once before in my life. It’s hard to explain exactly what I mean by that in hindsight. But. I think that I felt like once I’d moved in, it was a done deal. I acted and behaved and assumed like my life was decided and I got … comfortable? Is that what I mean? I took it for granted – that the happily ever after ending was implied. And. That’s not even really a fair thing to say because I wasn’t happy in that relationship long before we moved in together. I just wanted the prize. I thought that would validate me as a person. If someone, anyone, wanted to marry me. And have babies with me. And all the rest. Well then that would mean I was worthy.
Which is, of course, highly screwed up.
Then I did that whole being on my own thing. Discovered I earned enough money to be independent and start a small business and look after myself and stuff. And I found my way back to myself. And I don’t ever want to be in a place where I am relying on someone else, that I feel like I can’t be in the big, wide world all on my little old ownsome. That I’d be too scared to do what I need to do. If I need to. And I think maybe I feel now like nothing is guaranteed. That the ending is not implied, or maybe, the ending that you want is not the only possible option.
So this is my defence for being completely incapable of actually parting with a bunch of my stuff that we have doubles of. My washing machine has been sitting in the carport since the day I moved in. And the other day, C raised the option of selling it. And then yesterday he mentioned a second person who was interested in it. And … well … what if I need it some day? Likewise my second TV – we loaned my good TV to my parents cause noone needs 4 TVs in a 2 person house. My second TV I just don’t want to part with – I bought it with a job that I particularly sold my soul for and I’ve had it for a very long time. Sure it’s an analog and very clunky but …
So yesterday C asks me if I want to sell my washing machine or if I’d rather he got a truck to pack all the things I might need if we break up and he can store it out the back. I think I feel like I’m being overly assuming if I do happily part with all the doubles we have. But um, I’m not sure what else I think I should be doing/feeling in this situation. Since, we do live together now.
Does this make any sense? Or have I flipped channels?
I’m gonna sell the washing machine. It leaks. And we have one. And I know. But still.
And the thing is this: I was sitting down to write this and we exchanged silly banter across rooms relating to something that happened earlier and I thought, life is gonna be a lot of fun together. I think mostly I’m pissed that one person can rob you of all your trust in happy endings and people telling you the truth.
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I get the burned and your pov at that time, although screwed up in hindsight, is not at all illogical. We grow up in a world where we’re constantly bombarded by ‘and they lived happily ever after.’ Aw. But we never get to see what happens. It’s all through fairy tales and all through movies. Hell, even the end of Pretty Woman isn’t the original ending. They had to reshoot it after a test audience didn’t like it. We expect a happy ending but it’s so far from what really happens.
What was Cinderella’s life after she got married? I bet she was still having to clean the hearth out. What about snow white?
Happily ever after is suck a crock. You have to work to get that happy moment, and work constantly at reminding yourself that you’re worthy. It’s far too easy to forget.
On the subject of doubles .. what are the *important* doubles? Books are important. Washing machines (and TV’s) can be replaced (or at least that’s how it works in my head. I cannot live with giving a book away). Decide what you have to keep and let go of the rest.
Mit
Tee hee, after 4 years of marriage I haven’t given away book doubles, and never will. What if one of them falls apart? (I’m looking at you, Wheel of Time books). What if you need to lend one to an Unreliable Person? (several gaps where my Harry Potter doubles used to be).
DVDs, I remain undecided on. Having 2 copies of each of the LotR movies, plus special editions, does take up quite a bit of room on the shelf.
Funnily enough, though, I remember having those sorts of dilemmas. My TV and microwave were so much smaller and crapper…but I worked my ass off for them! And all my beautiful matching ivy-patterned crockery…that was really only suitable for a single person, childless household, but that Mum and I bought together when I moved out of home, a symbol of my adulthood and independence.
Now I’m starting to sound scarily like you, you crazy collector
I DID give away most of my stuff. I traded my ivy-patterned crockery for indestructible plastic.
And this living together business IS quite difficult sometimes, but other times you go, well, I could wake up to the sound of my canary singing and have classical music playing while I sit at my computer with honey-slathered toast on ivy-patterned crockery and write in peace, OR I could wake up to the sound of shrieks of laughter and find my husband and daughter pretending to be unicorns in the kitchen with a pair of wooden spoons and no chance of getting any writing done until 10pm.
Ahh, happily ever after
Coming up to 15 years. I can’t really remember what things we merged. Bank accounts happened early, once we were out of Uni and working. We had some duplicates music, but not much(tapes mind you not cds).
Finchy & I still haven’t merged books, and we have 15 years together! There are a few shelves that have got muddled along the way, and a few duplicates of books (elderly and not great copies) that were turfed, but I can look at just about any book in this house and know if it’s mine or his.
We didn’t share a bank account until we got the mortgage together,8 years into our relationship, when our first child was 3 months old. We still have separate accounts too.
Whatever works for you, works for you. I know there are trust issues there, but it doesn’t just have to be about you trusting the relationship will make the distance. It’s also about maintaining your identity so that you feel like the best combination of the person you are in the relationship, and the person out of the relationship.
Having said that, ditch the washing machine! Sometimes stuff is just stuff, and if it’s something that would be fairly easy to replace, get it out of your lives.
Having said that, Finchy won’t throw away ANYTHING mechanical, regardless of whether it still works or not. He got sad when I ditched a pair of apple earbuds the other day, when the sticky tape holding them together finally failed. Because, you know, they were the FIRST pair of apple earbuds he owned. He bought a new printer and won’t set it up until the old one fails, which it refuses to do.
I love our TV. It’s the first thing I bought myself for our shared household, from my first ever novel cheque. It’s huge but clunky and I will be deeply sad on the day we finally retire it in exchange for one of those swanky slender ones. I earned it and paid for it, at a time when I wasn’t able to contribute much else to the household so yes, I sympathise too.
Feeling emotionally attached to appliances is apparently a more common thing than I thought!
It’s so true. I always thought the Happily Ever After was a thing and I never really knew what it was. It’s not quite how Hollywood portrays it. But what I had, with my ex, wasn’t it either. Never, by a long shot.
You’re right that the washing machine and the TV can be replaced. I guess I see them as expensive items though and I’m gambling on being in a position of being able to pay for them if I need to in the future.
Books are a special case. I dunno how I’ll feel about doubles in the future. Right now our books are in separate bookcases and it’s not really an issue. Maybe one of space but not a big deal.
I love living with him, that’s fair to say. I’m just having some issues with some adjustment things. It’ll work through in time, I guess.
Well, tapes wear out!
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