September 11   Days 5 and 6

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Day 5 was not that successful, relatively speaking. I had trouble concentrating at work and was trying to watch the eyestrain thing. Got home and made corn soup (YUM!) and baked me some more apples. (YUMMO! I cannot believe I never liked cinnamon and apples before. So weird.) I ended up eating it all whilst talking on the phone to my sister. And I also did a very minimum amount of book moving and rearranging in so far as the books were part of my National Geographic collection. And um, then I went to bed and watched an episode and a half of Doctor Who.

Today was a day of errands. Really. I woke up a bit later than I was supposed to, bustled the poor puppy away and then headed up to my mum’s who had kindly agreed to embark on Clothes Shopping Expedition with me. And not just “clothes” but formal dress wear. My mum is unbelievably patient and I am a pain in the arse when purpose clothes shopping. I don’t love clothes shopping at the best of times but I HATE it when I HAVE to get something for a particular event by a particular deadline. I get more and more frustrated at all the clothes that don’t fit me and the lack of success, self hatred sets in and sometimes there are tears (and tantrums). My mother deals with this by getting more and more steadfast and determined that we WILL find something.

Here’s the thing. I realised that I’ve been declining invites and not wanting to attend events simply because I can’t face the “I have nothing to wear” thing. Or the only thing I have appropriate is looking old and ragged or not quite fitting anymore. C has a lot more formal (work) events than I’m used to attending and I’ve been cringing and hating myself through those events because I’ve just not had something to wear that has made me feel good or even more than than, the things I’ve been wearing have actively made me hate myself. That’s not a way to live. These things should be the fun things in life and not the things that you dread coming up or that add to self loathing (and all the negative compounding that does in your headspace).

And I’m doing this thing, I think I mentioned it, self correcting or repairing the damage my depression has done to me. And it’s a big job, spanning all kinds of things both physical in my surrounds, social, physical to my body, my habits and a bunch of mindsets. One of the things I am trying to correct is the not being nice to myself. So … if I hate going out cause I don’t have anything to wear, that’s sort of something I can fix. I could get myself things that I think I look nice in, that make me feel good about myself and more importantly don’t make me hate myself. And then, I could … ooh, I dunno? Have fun?

There are kinda two reasons I don’t have clothes I like – 1) I have been not spending money unless I’ve *had* to on clothes for several years. When people wonder where the money for small press publishing comes from … well, yeah. That’s where. (Also cut corners on things like the dentist, though that didn’t work out so cost effectively.). 2) I HATE clothes shopping. The experience tends to end up with much long lasting self loathing too, I find.

So as I said, today was the day we embarked on the mission to correct this. And I knew where I was going and that this would not be a hideous experience. Several other times we’ve had to find a dress on a deadline, we’ve ended up at a particular shop at Karrinyup and they’ve always delivered so today I just headed straight for there, walked in the door and said “please help me!” I don’t think the assistant or my mother could believe how obliging I was. I tried on everything they suggested and let the assistant fiddle and fuss. I normally lose patience for such things (cause the self loathing has kicked in). In that store they like you to try things on and most people (me too the first time I went there) don’t like to do that but I’ve found that they have things out the back, and in my size! and once you try a few things on you can figure out what they have that will suit (not this cut, different waist, less bust etc etc). I had decided I would go and get a couple of pieces, I have two events on the horizon but if I had a few items, I wouldn’t need to go into a panic next time a possible invitation comes in. I bought a few things, more than I planned. And went over budget. But I feel good about myself, almost everything I tried on could have been the one dress I bought if I’d been on a deadline. Shopping not on one meant I could buy two pieces that need to be altered and happily collect them in a month’s time. And I got a variety of things for formal or less formal things and bits and pieces to mix and match so I have maybe a basic wardrobe now that I can build around and will last me 5 years or so.

And I never once felt bad about myself in that shop. Service makes all the difference, doesn’t it? They always say to me they will find me something I can wear, they are always so positive and I dunno how but the number of the size of the dress that fits is never a horrifying one. All my pieces are wash and hang. And I’m sorted. And I feel good about myself.

So that was a hideous errand achieved.

I also grabbed another DVD storage unit thing (C has some that are build/add as you g0). And an apple corer! I checked my post office box. It was filled with mail. And I did a quick food shop to take dessert to Tehani’s.

I guess we had a Twelfth Planets meeting tonight? Of sorts. Somehow Tehani got bossy and updated all my software on my electronics. Helen came over and brought alcohol but we worked on introductions for upcoming Twelve Planets and other detaily things like that. The puppy was uncharacteristically well behaved. Also it seems to be the week to pitch awesome, crazy publishing ideas at Alisa and I’ll somehow seriously consider them. Someone invent a money tree for me.

Tomorrow is a major work day at home. I hope to report in much achieved for there is much to do.



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  • By Fe on 11 September 2011 at 11:38 am

    That’s sort of what I did for my wedding dress, and then again for my sister’s bridesmaid dress…. But basically, I take my sister who _likes_ clothes (she’s a dressmaker, as part of her job). I try on everything she gives me… and after a handful, even _I_ can see which elements are working:-) Makes it much easier to pick possibilities after that:-) (and in both those cases, she was making the dress:-) )

    I’m planning on taking her with me some time after I finish having kids, so I can ‘do’ that kind of search with a post-baby body:-) So it should be possible for me to shop on my own for a few years after that:-)

  • By Fe on 11 September 2011 at 12:10 pm

    I didn’t really finish that:-)

    I would not have had the wedding dress I did (that people _still_ refer to, 9 years later… as so gorgeous… _many_ people!) if I hadn’t been so obedient!

    We were at a bridal salon, and I was dutifully trying on everything I was told. My sister told me I was to try on this _hideous_ thing (it was a fuschia pink meringue… with black tulle ‘bits’ all over it… including a black tulle flower on the shoulder… and I think there was some glittery black tulle to highlight… I have no idea what it was _doing_ there, it stood out amongst the white and cream!), because everyone needed to try on at least one hideous dress… I put it on, and we were all amazed! It still looked hideous, but _I_ looked good!

    So my sister made me a deep red dress for my wedding. A white or cream one would have been lovely, and I would have looked nice… but I thanks to my red dress, I _still_ have people tell me it was amazing:-)

    So if you have someone who can pick out the elements that work, it really is worth trying on things where you can’t see any good features:-)

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