Champagne and Socks

It’s coming up to Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur and long time readers of my blog will know this means a time of self reflection for the year that has gone. And funnily enough, I’ve had a few long hours these last few weeks to really think about things that have happened this year. And in just the last couple of weeks, I feel like I’ve had a full mind/reality perception shift. And it feels, well, it feels completely freeing and unbelievably awesome.

2011 has been one of the most personally confronting years I can remember. I’m sure there have been more acutely devastating events in my life – like the death of loved ones – but this year has had an ongoing theme of kicking my arse. And what I mean by that is that this year, I have been consistently presented with situations in which I could no longer go with the status quo (where I have let something big slide, or a power unbalance that made me unhappy continue, or left something unsaid that I’d rather not have to say). It’s been uncanningly relentless to the point where now, I just nod to myself and take a deep breathe and do that which I have been avoiding or would rather not have had to do or say. Because I’ve just been pushed to places where I’ve had no choice, no matter how much I have resisted. I don’t much like rocking the boat and if in a situation the bad behaviour or bad dynamic only impacts on me, I’ll tend to rather just wear it. And of course, that hasn’t led me to great mental places or healthy relationships (and hasn’t impacted just me, either, in the end). And some of those aftermaths I’m still dealing with today. 2011 has also been personally stressful for various things not all of which are appropriate to talk about here. I don’t go into specifics relating to work and so on.

Whilst the year has brought me month after new month of confronting and stressful situations, it’s also without exception ended up landing me in a better place than where I began. Not always where I wanted to be, mind you, but to be fair, when looking back, most of this has been worth it. It’s been harsh. These kind of lessons are not painless. There is distress and discomfort, challenge and sadness and grief. But the result has been a total stripping away of the unnecessary and the negative and a rebirth, renewal and rediscovery. Because what I have left is the most precious – like I’ve spent a year panning for gold and come up with the few nuggets in a riverbed. I’ve learned a lot along the way and had my eyes opened more than a few times to seeing (and admitting I can see) things as they really are and not with the translucent veil I would prefer to look through.

Rough year. But also an intellectually and emotionally rewarding one. I feel possibly the happiest I’ve been in a long time. I feel more like the true me than I have done in years. And I feel optimistic and excited about the future and all its possibilities. And I feel more robust and pragmatic. Not everyone is going to like me. And that’s ok. Not everyone is going to be happy for my successes. And that’s their issue not mine. What matters is knowing who will jump into your boat and help bail out the water if it starts to sink. And when you know who those people are (and who they aren’t), then you can consider yourself truly rich. And know by whom you are truly loved. And who needs anything/one else? Really, at the end of the day.

So, you know. A journey, this year.

And also a path of discovery and revelation.

It’s a funny thing but I’ve found myself wrestling with my inner feminist a lot this year. C and I sat down and had a very important business meeting on Sunday night. There is a lot going on at Twelfth Planet Press and I wanted to bounce off the entire overview of the plans and also to have someone moderate my crazy, as I’ve been calling it. And a little bit scarily, noone around me, including C is moderating it. Usually I am fighting people to prove them wrong and now, now I am putting forward ridiculously large and ambitious plans and everyone around me nods and then saddles up. It’s a bit disconcerting. And also, it’s different when you are working to prove someone wrong compared to doing something when people believe in you. More pressure maybe? Funnily enough? I mean, if everyone expects you to fail, and then you do … well there’s just loss of face in that, isn’t there?

So we had a meeting. And it ended up with a discussion of about a 3 to 5 year forward plan. Which ended with me having to sit down, and just muttering the word “wow” over and over. It’s a completely different experience being with someone who not only believes in what I want and am trying to do but also actively supports me. And I guess, I’m thriving in that kind of a personal space. But, I thought moving down here, an hour away from my life, my family, most of my friends and all my favourite haunts, would be an isolating and hard thing to do. Actually, it’s not. Yeah I miss good coffee but that’s a good reason to make sure I get up and hang out with people up north of the river on weekends. I have some very close friends down here who are no more than 20 minutes away. And when it’s still, I can hear the ocean from our bedroom at night. I can HEAR THE OCEAN IN OUR BEDROOM. I only really grasped that the other day. I live *near* the freaking ocean! There are seagulls all around and I have the opportunity to actually embrace a seachange, if I wanted to.

And, it turns out that one thing that is particularly stressing me out, in the I need prescribed drugs to treat symptoms of the stress kind of way, I can actually take into my own hands and fix. And I’m working on that now. And in so doing, I realised this really important thing. When C gets posted away from here, I will probably move with him (see my inner feminist squirm) and so that made me look at my career in a completely different way. Because that means that I’m not working towards building some 10 or 15 year career where I am. And realising that gave me this huge sense of freedom. Because it opens up a bunch of doors to try things and take risks and maybe explore a bunch of things I actually want to do. And today I was out and about for work and on and off people’s farms and looking at dairy cattle and things and thinking … there’s no reason *why* I need or want a city/suburban life. I mean, I want to try all kinds of things and see all kinds of places. My choices are unlimited. And I’m in a situation now where I can experiment with that (again with the squirming feminist). Though, yes, I am as inner city gal as they come. But whatever. It’s my current headspace! Go with it!

Which inevitably brings me to Twelfth Planet Press and the other part of the post title. Because… I have a 3 to 5 year plan. Some of which I have announced. Some of which I’m working on figuring out how I can make happen. And it’s been this funny progression. At Swancon I had the chance to sit down and open my heart and soul with good friends who have been on this ride from the beginning and who guide and mentor me along this crazy ride. I set myself a dollar value limit when I started out on TPP and I told myself when I hit that level of “debt/investment” I would say that that business was not viable and I’d walk. Basically I set a limit of money I was prepared to lose. And, well, I hit that limit. And so, decisions had to be made. Either I pull the plug, thank the linesmen and ball boys and head off home or I take an even bigger plunge. Because it was go hard or go home time. I had some really good conversations with some very wise and knowledgeable people. People who I think know how to press my buttons, basically. They reminded me what all this was for, what my original objectives and goals were and where I had come from and what I had done so far. And you know, how could I come this far and then bail? And when I thought about it, I guess I’ve spent the last 4 years apprenticing and now, I finally have the basic skills. You don’t learn to do something and when you finally have some proficiency, go off and watch TV. Do you?

And as you know, I decided to take a leap of faith. And it is a leap of faith because I have no idea where the money will come from or how we will keep the lights on and the printing presses printing. But I have managed to gather an amazing group of talented people – writers, artists, designers, editors, proofers and mentors. And I feel like we finally made it to the first rung on the ladder. And we can’t go home just yet.

But there’s this other problem alongside there being no money left. There’s no time left. I have finally hit a place where I can no longer physically find any more time in my week. I guess it had to happen at some point. There is so much going on, so much to do and if there was more time, we could be doing a lot more, and a lot better and so on. So I had to finally come round to the acceptance of the act of delegation. It’s a hard one. And I’m still learning to let things go. Or figuring out ways of being ok with not doing the whole of tasks all the way through (I never ever did any of the layout except for online/websites). I finally have some submission readers and interns. Yay. There’s a few things that I am behind on and I finally realised I was just never going to get on top of everything all by myself. So the new year, I suspect, is going to be a year of letting go and being ok with it. Because if I can’t bring on more staff and learn to trust my baby to more people than just me, I will be hampering the growth.

So. There you have it. Lots of what is going on in my head.