Champagne and Socks

We didn’t do Valentine’s Day this year. Firstly, being finally a little bit more organised this year, I bought C’s gift online early. But um, I for some reason sent it to him at our address rather than me. So he came out wearing the particular clothes item I had sent him randomly and like a week ago and I was all … “um? Ooh … I bought you one of those just like that for Valentine…. oooh” Yes. Well planned but not well executed, shall we say?

Secondly, I am getting a particular piece of romantic jewellery later this week that celebrates our love (they rang! It’s ready!) and anything more than that seemed a bit over the top.

And we *could* have gone out to dinner or something on the night but here’s the thing: I already know how much C loves me.I know this cause he was already going to be cooking me a very special dinner at home:

Last minute on the weekend, I signed up for Michelle Bridges’ 12 Week Body Transformation. I’d been umming and ahhing about it for a while having followed her on Twitter after getting her latest book for Christmas and watching everyone in “pre season training”. I mentioned to C on Saturday that I’d been thinking about it but that it cost money to join and well, I don’t pay money for that sort of thing. We talked about it a bit and I realised that I should do it – that deciding I don’t pay for this kind of thing is exactly the kind of thing that holds me back and a way in which I self-sabotage (I don’t pay money because I don’t believe I will do it and thus will waste the money thus starting out where I think I’ll finish up and therefore do.) Within an hour of signing up, C had searched out what gear I needed to buy, had hustled me into a sports store (I somehow never notice those in shopping centres) and got me the things I needed (I got a cashback on the aircon ages ago of $100 and spent it on a step. I already had dumb bells and a yoga mat etc) and worked out what the food would be. It started Monday and he’s been cooking and preparing the food for me all week. It’s actually a really great program and so far the food has been delicious. Let’s just say it’s far more varied and interesting than the lunches I was packing for myself the last 3 weeks for my new job (where there is no canteen and not much within walking distance).

So we didn’t *do* Valentine’s day this year because we didn’t need to. Or we were already in the spirit of things, perhaps.

But I have to say, at this point in the week, I really am feeling energised and strong and it’s been a pretty interesting week for me personally. I don’t like to talk about such things here and as part of the “journey” of this program, I think I really have to. Because not talking about it, not acknowledging it, not saying when it’s gotten me down or when I’ve been actively trying to do something about it, is an old trick of mine, a trick in my bag of self sabotaging tricks. Here’s the thing, *I* am not happy with my body right now. And that’s a statement of my own feelings about myself. And I just don’t want this to be a Thing anymore.

I thought long and hard about the kind of dress I wanted for my wedding and then I thought about how much weight I’d have to lose for that and then I thought about how fucking cliched it is to go on a diet for your wedding and that really, I’m sure I could find a perfectly lovely and suitable dress at the weight I am now and look fabulous in it. And I could. And then I thought, well that’s that then, won’t worry about that. But the thing is? I know that dress would be a compromise. But beyond that, *this* actually isn’t about that at all, in any way. It’s about getting over myself and my personal baggage and not taking it with me into my marriage. It’s about dealing with a bunch of shit I like to bury away and ignore. It’s no longer giving myself permission to slack off or take the easy way or just not do things that look too hard. And it’s about being the healthiest person I can be – I worry very much about the fact that I have been ill with a bowel disease for 13 years now and the kind of toll that sort of nutrient depletion can do to a person’s body and about what that makes a body for growing a person inside. And I want to give my children the best start I can. And beyond that, I don’t want to teach them the very bad habits and relationship to food that I have. And the only way to do that is to be a better role model – not to fake it but to *be* it.

I want a fresh start. I want to deal with it all once and for all. I want to set out on a journey and be my best asset along the way. I want to believe I can achieve the goals that I set out. I want to take myself seriously? I want to be accountable. I want to feel the risk of having to share my failure rather than keep it quietly to myself. I want to be committed. So here I am, posting about it here on my blog. I’ve signed up for it, and I’ve committed to it and now I’ve told you about it. And now you know. And I know that you know. Because I’m done with all those old tricks of mine. I’m gonna buy me a new bag, an empty one and fill it with new awesome tools of my trade.

So. Wednesday is weigh in and even though I only started on Monday, I’ve already lost 1.5kg. And I’ve also already learned two interesting things about myself. 1. I’m excellent at making bullshit excuses not to do things (all kinds of things) and 2. I invalidate my own successes.

I made a list of all the excuses I use to not exercise every day. And it was a long list. And it was also a long list that was really easy to navigate around when we sat down and looked at it. And so far, I’ve worked out every day. And what else? I finally got my endorphin rush back. I mentioned back when I was doing the Couch to 5K that it never kicked in? Even after a 25 minute solid run. Yesterday it was so there. And it was so familiar but had been such a long time – it reminded me instantly of what it was like after ballet classes when I was what? 15. That’s 20 fucking years ago. But it tapped into some part of my brain that’s related to that me, the one who LOVED dancing and exercise. And I had that rush again today. I think it’s all gonna be ok. Again. Finally. And the thing is, when you start noticing how shit/good you are at self sabotage in one part of your life? You start to notice it in other parts too. And damn that’s an interesting process. I procrastinate and make excuses for an enormous amount of things. No more!

I invalidate my own successes. I watched myself today process my 1.5kg loss in 2 days. I watched myself take it apart and diminish it down to less than 0.5 a kilo because of this and because of that. Instead of just fist pumping the air (Silent Fist Pump) and wooting and about how all this hard work was paying off and so soon and oh yeah baby! No, I sat there and said, well it’s not really that great because of this and because of that. And I do that ALL the time. Ask me anything about any of my achievements and I can tell you why they weren’t really what they look like. It’s taken me all day but now I can say, hey I lost 1.5kg *so far* this week and that’s awesome and also I am nowhere near done. I just got started.

I’m having a great 2012, that’s no secret. I feel empowered and I feel like things are finally starting to come together. A lot of awesome opportunities have come my way and it’s only February. I’m a Dragon and so, yeah, 2012 just might well be my year. I’m going to harness some of the fire breathing and do some more things yet!