So, I solved that eye twitch problem I had the whole of last week. I decided that if sleep wasn’t helping, and vitamin boosts weren’t helping, I’d take the weekend off and see how that went. And then, when I thought about it, I realised I hadn’t taken any time off since Natcon – the day off day job that I took on the Tuesday after, I spent sorting out Through Splintered Walls and processing Natcon related TPP things. And then when I thought further, I’d worked steadily in the lead up to Natcon and then … couldn’t really remember when I had had a day off at all. Like maybe for the Aurealis Weekend? Or … um? Dunno.
And then I thought, hang on, how much downtime do I actually have? How much time do I NOT work? Lately I’ve gotten up at 6/6.30 am, got out the door by 7 or just after, worked on the hour train ride to day job work, done my full day job day, including working for TPP in my lunchbreak or running errands at lunch since I now work in the city, and then worked on the hour train ride home and then either done exercise or skipped it before plunging back into TPP until bed. Maybe I watch an episode of something before sleep. And in that 42 mins, I am not also doing something else.
That was kind of confronting. To never take significant time to Stop. And just Not. That’s not good for a person. That gives them eye twitches. And drug addictions. And stuff.
And I don’t work that hard for a prize, or to say I did. I have a very specific set of goals and a very specific timeline for achieving them. I’m trying to set myself up here so I can jump off the rat race, day job, work set hours in the day, report to set people and fulfill their set expectations wagon. I’m usually not keen to say out loud why and what I am working towards and what my goals and vision are. Mostly because, if I don’t achieve them, I’d rather not have my detractors throw it back in my face. But the more I work on other stuff, the more I realise that those people don’t need ammunition, they create what they lack. And so fucking what? I would rather have set out to achieve something and fail than not. I would rather have tried, honestly given it everything that I have within me, than decided it wasn’t possible and gone out for tea instead. And if I’m a woman who appears ambitious? Then fine. Good. Whatever.
So that’s why I work so hard. It’s why I drive and push forward no matter what. But yeah, sometimes, you gotta just not. For a bit.
And this weekend, I didn’t. And it was an unbelievable feeling walking out my day job door at 4pm on Friday and walking to meet C who came to pick me up. Knowing I had the weekend off, that I’d given myself permission to just have a weekend, was an amazing weight lifted from my shoulders. I didn’t even know it was there til it was gone. I actually walked out the door smiling. I was overly courteous to people getting in and out of lifts and holding doors open for people. I was like, benevolent, and not in a hurry. I got *looks*. And then um, did my post office run because I can only empty the TPP post box once a week as it is an hour away. And also I’d ordered a lot of postage and needed to pay for that. But then we visited C’s parents and sat down and watched rugby (one of the teams was playing in Hot Pink, I swear!!). And we popped into Herdies on the way home and bought gorgeous little things for dinner.
And I slept in both days of the weekend and just mooched around. It wasn’t until about midday on Saturday that I realised the eye twitch had gone. I watched Fringe. I knitted a sock. I answered only a few of the most pressing emails – you can’t not work completely when you have an online business. *I* expect 24/7 service online so it’s only fair I give it. But I caught up on reality TV. And I not only had time to work out, I had the inclination to do so. And I did! We went out for MExican for C’s birthday. And I read a lot. I sorted laundry and cleaned out the spare room whilst listening to Countdown by Mira Grant on Audible and I cleaned up the kitchen – downtime apparently means you do lots of all those household chores you never get round to? And on Sunday, the groceries were delivered and cooked all kinds of things in preparation for the coming week as C has gone to sea and I will need to cover much more of the domestic work than I usually do. I also filled the subscribers copies of Through Splintered Walls and managed to get them in the post. And Jonathan and I managed to sit down and record a new episode of Live and Sassy.
And I felt a little bit like I got on top of my life. And feeling prepped actually has helped me feel more positive and good about the week. I wonder how much of my weight on my shoulders was due to feeling like I am constantly fighting backlog and things I shoulda done by now? I will need to address this issue of downtime. There is never enough time for it all, is there?
Tags: life work balance