I had a really great weekend. Yesterday I slept in so the whole day was spent celebrating a friends forthcoming nuptials. I caught the train into the city – all dressed up and feeling very cosmopolitan. I think it’s the first time I’ve ever used public transport for going out. (I’ve lived a sheltered life). We started with a very lovely high tea and then on to cocktails and canapes and games and then I was picked up by my lovely fiance and headed home. I’m getting old, bed starts to look good earlier in the evening these days.
But I had two slowly dawning on me thoughts from yesterday and they fit into a theme of a thoughts process I’m working through at the moment. I’m very much finding myself working back through a lot of crap and discarding a lot of emotional and personal stuff and finding my way back to me. It feels more and more like I’m coming back home. And in some ways, the “myself” is a person I am referring to from long ago. Kathryn asked me last night how I was defining my time periods and I guess I feel like I’ve been working through for a long time stuff from my ex – not really things about him but more to do with how I let myself be treated and who I became in that relationship, which wasn’t a short period of time.
If you let someone undermine you, or you bend yourself into the person they want you to be, you can lose yourself, forget who you are and more importantly, you can learn to train yourself into being what other people want you to be, liking things other people want you to like and believing the horrible and untrue things they say about you. I was in that relationship for 6 years trying to make it work by trying to twist myself into being the person who fit into that picture. And it felt like I broke myself by the end. I’ve spent a long time working on healing myself from that experience. And I probably have a way to go. But I think some of this is some of the answer to some recent heartache. That I’ve learned to take to heart and let lies about myself hurt me. I can’t stop that kind of stuff but I can change how I think about those things. It’s a work in process.
I do think it’s funny that I made this random and non thought through tweet today about how I was working on liking chai tea this afternoon. A few people were like – WHY??? And I guess I still think it’s more important to make myself like what I don’t than just be ok with not liking something that other people do. When you step up and have a contrary opinion, there will always be people who don’t like that. And sometimes that makes you a target. But the thing is, if I shut up or pretend to like things I don’t, then I’m letting those same people silence me.
The trick of course is, learning to pick your battles. Which isn’t about picking the ones you think you’ll win but rather picking the ones that are worth fighting for, regardless of whether you’ll win or not. And that is also a work in progress
The second thing about yesterday was a reminder of how important it is that I ground truth my own reality I spent a good amount of time with a bunch of women I love and trust and who believe in me and support me. And being reminded of that makes all the difference in the world. And how lovely it is to just be with people you can admire and enjoy and appreciate with no negativity at all. I really really need to spend more time with my friends – they are awesome.
I had a third, maybe, light bulb moment. I decided that I was going to wear one of my new dresses that I bought online. And I realised that these were knee length so I would need some tights to wear with them since it’s colder than all get out here of late. So I bought tights on Friday and was very pleased to note I have gone down a size in tights. So I dressed up in my new dress and tights and heels and also I wore my new contacts and did my makeup (since I could now see my eyes to put eye make up on). And as I stood waiting for the train I realised that I felt really good about myself. I wear my contacts and make up when I feel good about myself, rather than to make myself feel good about myself.
So in thinking about this, I realised that I have been feeling bad about myself because I have not lost any weight in Round 2 of the 12 WBT. My goal was to lose about 6kgs or possibly 8kg and instead I have plateaued. And some weeks I’ve stuck really well to the food and exercise and some only partly, maybe to one or the other, but as the lack of results have continued, I’ve lost enthusiasm. And Michelle would say, but this is where it gets interesting because here is where you learn things about yourself. And yes, it’s true, I get my enthusiasm for anything when I can see results and progress. It’s easy to get deflated and lose interest and confidence when you work hard at something and you don’t see any payoff.
With TPP, I always tell myself that I’m playing the long game and I just need to dig in and double my efforts. As I was thinking about it yesterday I thought about how if I hadn’t been on the program this round, I most certainly wouldn’t have at least maintained weight. I would most certainly have gained. But then I thought through how Michelle is always saying that you should see the other results, things that change on the inside. And I realised that I am halfway to my goal. And I’ve still lost 10kg. And there I was wearing a brand new dress in a smaller size and showing my knees for the first time in possibly 10 years. I was back to feeling good about myself so that I put effort in and wore contacts and did my makeup. I was back to starting to feel good in my own skin and who I am. And having fun with dressing up and presenting an image to the world instead of hoping to just be invisible. And how can that be anything other than results, and a win to be celebrated? How could I think getting to halfway to my goal was anything other than something to be proud of? I realised this is part of how I sabotage my own success when I constantly see the glass as half empty when it’s really half full. And that is something I need to think more deeply about.