I suspect if I don’t post a post tonight, I might just end up not getting round to getting back into the habit of blogging, and I really want to. Half the problem is I’m trying to fit so much into every day and every week that I don’t have any time to either write or to sit down and reflect on things to write. And the other half of the problem is I still don’t really know what this blog is for anymore. Someone once told me, and I’m paraphrasing, that they were no longer going to read my blog because I was no longer sad and problem ridden and thus not interesting/had nothing to learn from any more. Which … yeah … clearly this threw me since I still remember it. Am I worth reading if all I post is happy, life appreciating things? Is anyone interested in photos and updates of the craft I’m working on or the boring life habits I’m finessing? If I only talk about the publishing projects I’m working on, then I’m a boring pr outlet and that’s not interesting. Work is always a no go. And wedding details are for after the event.
So you see the dilemma.
I’m just back from a really lovely mellow evening of friends and people just met as we celebrated Amelia Beamer and then farewelled her on her next chapter. She’s been here for a good half a year and it’s been utterly a pleasure. I shall be very sad that she is no longer in the suburb over. But it has been a worthwhile time well spent all the same. I shall miss her dearly.
I got to hang with friends which was lovely too. I’ve said goodbye to C this week. He’s been and gone already. We had a lovely 10 days of – wow are you really here? – and then – it’s like you never left – and then – and now you’re going again, really? He’ll be back right before the wedding which I think will be surreal – a week home, then we get married and then we go on holidays together. He came home and fixed a bunch of things, ate a lot of food, had to share the foxtel and then left. I’ve spent the rest of the week putting things back in their place and thinking about how much better I understand that whole Fly In Fly Out (FIFO they call it here) relatinship thing now. The whole – you’ve not been here for months and this is how I do/like things/this is the routine and they are all – but it’s my house and I live here and I make decisions too. It’s an odd thing. And I can’t say I really liked it. I had a very sad and heavy heart though as I exited the airport and realised I was on my own again. There’s pros (I have the foxtel back again) and cons (everything else) but ultimately, the long distance thing? I can’t say that I love it.
The wedding plans though move onwards. I realised a couple of months ago the thing. People were saying that I didn’t seem that excited – I’m excited about marrying C but I’m not having orgasms about all the stupid little decisions people seem to think are required for planning a wedding. I’m not interested in creating work or jobs to do. I really have enough on my plate. But someone said to me in passing that she loved planning her wedding because it was the first big project she’d ever gotten to do. And I realised that’s why I don’t have that whole high, buzz thing going on. This isn’t my first big project. And it’s also why I don’t have that whole panic freak out thing going on either. I already know that you can plan shit down to the details but things will go wrong on the day. You might lose friends and make enemies about stupid things that can’t be taken back or undone. And you will have to compromise on your vision in order to deliver. And also, I have my eye on the ball – I’m all about the bit where we get *married*. I know that people will judge me no matter what I do and that I won’t be able to please everyone. I already did all this jazz. I’m good. I know that project management is lists and schedules and ticking things off and oiling the squeaky wheel. And no matter what happens, the day will be here soon enough and it will be lovely.
Last week my wedding dress arrived. The one I’m going to wear on the day. And I went to try it on – it’s the one I ordered, so that’s nice. And it needs to be taken in. That’s nice too. I did have that moment. I was standing on the little block, with my dress all poofed out and the assistant had popped out to go get something, and I looked up and saw myself, in the white dress and realised, this is me, in the white dress. The moment. And my heart skipped a beat. It was nice. And then I moved on, made decisions and got out of there!
I’m looking forward to it don’t get me wrong. I’m just fascinated by the whole industry and the manufacturing and corporatisation and monetisation of love, I guess.
And at the end of the month, I’ll be at World Fantasy Con. That’s weird to wrap my head around. This year is going by so fast.