EntriesRecovery from Swancon is slow. I thought it would be faster than this and as every day goes on and I still suffer with burnout, I am getting angrier at myself for having done it. Run a con, that is. I know I signed up for two years of preparation and most of my Sundays over that time. I know I signed up for hard work and giving up my con the year I was running it to spend it solving problems, sorting out issues, making sure it was smooth for everyone else, smiling no matter how rude people were to me and not really sleeping or seeing my friends who came over for the con etc.
I signed up for all of that. I didn’t though sign up for the abuse, the unkind words said to me, about me on mailing lists I’m on and behind my back. I didn’t sign up for my integrity and achievements that come from my hard work and volunteering of my own time and skills to be called into question, especially by people who don’t like me for very specific reasons (that I could list in a public forum, but have not done so because it’s petty and unprofessional). I didn’t sign up for my friends and for people I work with in my publishing business to be attacked or their own integrity called into question because they know me or have been published by me or because they volunteered to help count votes independently for me. I didn’t sign up to be the punching bag, kicking stool, and general dogsbody for those with the self entitlement to think that they are the most important person in the entire world. And I didn’t sign up for the year after I ran a convention for the abuse, harassment and bullying (I’ve experienced all these in my time as convenor) to continue. I didn’t sign up to give the community a pound of my flesh.
What upsets me is that the loud noise of the negative few have the power to drown out the kind and encouraging words of support and validation from the many. And for some reason, the more untrue, the more hurtful.
I’m not going to rehash my experience of running a con here. I don’t have any desire to relive it, mostly. But for me, my experience of Swancon is something that is at the forefront of my every day. I’m told it takes up to a year for this to go away – nice, eh, that this isn’t a one time, one con kinda deal. This goes on a lot in our community, it seems. But every day that I can barely muster the energy to get up and go do my day job, I’m aware that the reason is because of Swancon. And the other night, the worst of it was that I could not force myself to pull an allnighter to get a print deadline. Normally, I could dig deep and find a way to do it. Because it had to be done. But the other night, I dug and there was no deep – I have used up all my reserves. There’s no last minute magic, no ability to pull through when it’s needed and on time. I missed my deadline, I went to bed early and I dragged myself out in the morning, late, again, to work. And I can see everyday that there are tasks that I’m not getting to for my press, things that are not happening, deadlines not being met, because I don’t have the energy reserves to push myself to do it. And I feel like that means now that this is all costing me money. And for that, I’m finding it hard to forgive myself.
An example of what I’m talking about, today someone told me something overheard at the bar during Swancon:
“This is why cons shouldn’t be run by women”
And when this person was asked why not speak to the committee about whatever their issue was, the reply was, “they’ll just get overly emotional.”
I do wonder what that particular person’s problem was that was all due to Swancon being run by women – not enough beer getting served fast enough? Women on the actual program? Women guests?
Really, a community has to ask themselves, when they wonder why the word “sexism” gets raised, as to how someone thinks that it’s ok to suggest that cons shouldn’t be run by women. Like at all. It’s lucky then, that all the cons run by men, up til now, have been perfect in every way. And nothing, when men run cons, ever goes wrong, and noone is ever unhappy. And there are rainbows and unicorns … oh wait, too girly, huh?
I am though really interested in the words “overly emotional” – what, I’m gonna cry if you come to me and tell me that you’re really unhappy that your beer didn’t get to you fast enough? Maybe I’d cry if you told me that you didn’t like the colour scheme we went with for the logo? Or wait, would I cry if you said, “hey, think you might have needed some extra audio equipment?”
The thing is, I’ve been thinking about this sexist put down of women being “overly emotional”. I’ve seen a fair few men act in pretty overly emotional ways since I’ve been a member of Swancon. I’d say there was also a bit of that going on after a certain set of awards this year too. I’m an engineer in my day job and I’m pretty ok with dealing with constructive criticism, and issues being raised that I can problem solve or negotiate outcomes on. I don’t take it personally if an idea I have doesn’t execute perfectly the first time (and if you do, maybe you should think about the kind of environment you’re fostering, it’s not one welcoming invention and trying new things and reaching for beyond known capabilities). The thing with “overly emotional” is it’s a cop out by the person who loads it as a weapon – what they mean is, “I want to be able to behave like an arsehole, and I want you to not react in any way that might mean that I have to admit that I acted like an arsehole. I’d prefer if I could just kick you and then walk away like it never happened, ‘cept I get to feel better and I don’t have to see that I hurt you in so doing.” That’s what “overly emotional” means. I mean really, how can one be “too emotional” – unless of course the implication is that the emotions aren’t *real*?
And you know, in society, where the rest of us reside, there is behaviour that is not ok. The fact that you wish the person in charge was not a woman so that you can behave that way, doesn’t make that any better. In fact, if you think that what you wanted to do or say is hampered by the fact that if it is to a woman, she might cry, what does that say about how you treat men?
I refer to John Birmingham, who in responding to Bob Ellis this week said this:
But mate, you set back the cause for the rest us; …for every bloke who took seriously the admonition that it wasn’t all about him and his one-eyed little friend. … it insulted men on a much deeper level. It implied we can never change, we can never get better. And hell, maybe, as a gender, we can’t. But as individuals we can and do every day. And the first step is not making excuses for our bad behaviour or shifting the blame onto women as a whole, or on to some ill-defined political construct.
Man up, Bob. I don’t know if you’re better than this. But the rest of us are trying to be.
(except for the dude at Swancon who thinks they should never ever be run by women)
Add a Facebook Comment
16 Comments
Whoever said that at the bar during your Swancon should be taken outside and horsewhipped. I mean it. We should whip them.
Can’t say I disagree. At the very least they deserve to be publicly shamed, which I am hoping I am doing here.
In an attempt to up the signal for the appreciative and supportive noises: I had a fantastic time at Swancon. And one of the reasons I was there in the first place was because you were heading it up and I had faith that you and your time would put on a good con. And I was proved right.
Whoever is making the negative comments are jackasses. Even if they felt there were problems with the convention, there are ways of expressing that without putting down the hard work and the people who have done all this in their spare time out of love. Doing so makes these people assholes.
team not time
I still cannot believe how good that Swancon was. Obviously it sucked for you. But for everyone else, no matter what they say now (ie. Ditmars aside) it was just so damn good. When I think about that awesome lobby with the elephants, swarming with fans and industry folk, the seamless progression from registration to panels to kaffeeklatches to masquerade to dealers room to kids room to book launch to live podcast to guest interview, the jumping from fascinating conversation to fascinating conversation….EVERYBODY I saw was deliriously happy right up until awards night.
That says it all, doesn’t it?
If that Swancon was an aberration, don’t expect me or my family to go to any more. I’ll just sit back here at home, look at Cat’s awesome photos, smile and remember how brilliant it was.
While I may not have my finger right on the Pulse. My general reading of the situation was that it was a well run professional con.
But in terms of the passive aggressive bullshit that’s floating your way. Is this being passed onto you by friends? Perhaps it’s better to ask them not to pass on what someone has said. Perhaps it’s better to get them(your friends) to challenge the perpetrators there and then.
I couldn’t imagine having to put up with ever wanker that wanted to take a cheap shot.
Thank you – I’m so glad you did come and it was really lovely to see you there. I was so busy and everything but it was nice to see your face around (and my mother loved meeting you!)
I don’t mind hearing about the problems – I always expected there would be some, and you can’t always fix everything or please everyone. I do though have trouble with hearing/dealing with people who think that if you “fail” on one aspect or issue, that means your entire con failed and that you are a crap person.
I’m really glad you had a good time – makes me happy! And actually the con itself didn’t suck for me. I like problem solving and expected that to be my role at this con. I would have liked to have been on my dealers table more but really that was wishful thinking.
I guess the bit that’s hard to take is the few people who are never happy, find noone ever meets their expectations and think that if you don’t execute perfectly first time, then the idea was crap and the whole thing failed.
Thanks Sean.
I’m in two minds about the hearing about the stuff, I guess if I don’t know what is being said then it doesn’t have to affect me. I think I have lost perspective on a lot of the stuff particularly in terms of the way it is delivered.
I agree with you on the challenging the aggressors. It’s something I have raised with the organisation, that if everyone stands by and just allows certain behaviour to be displayed, time and again, then silence is condoning the behaviour. Even just so much as, that person is never given the heads up that the behaviour is bad/offensive/ungrateful/unhelpful etc.
I think it is important to know that people think this way and speak this way. It is important to know that this sort of thing has been said to and of Alisa and her committee.
This is the proof of the hostile environment we’ve been talking about, this is the proof of the sexism we’ve been talking about. So next time someone says that geeks aren’t sexist, that Swancon isn’t an unsafe convention, we can say actually, yes, it is, and this is why.
And I want to know the sorts of things that might be said about and to me when my con has finished. I want to be prepared to fight back against this bullshit.
And I want the rest of the community, the majority who stay silent, to see this and say “that’s not on” and to not stand for it, and to stop being silent.
It was a fabulous con. I thought it was very well run. I’ll bet there’s not a person out there who can say they ever went to a con that had no hiccups; they are inevitable. And in this case, they were relatively minor matters that didn’t detract from one of the best cons I’ve ever been to.
My only huge disappointment came from the few people who had some very strange things to say about the Ditmars afterwards. I was gobsmacked, and as a Ditmar nominee who was thrilled to bits at seeing a great book come in ahead of mine, I felt sullied.
I’ll come to any con you care to organise!!
I agree with you PK
Do you want to be constantly bombarded though? There’s appoint at which you can get angry, then there’s a point at which it can wear you down.
The above is an example of sexism directed broadly at all women who attend/run cons as well as very specifically at one woman, who seems to be on the receiving end of a mix of passive aggressive rubbish from sore losers and then from misogynist wankers.
It’s easy for us to stand back and say we want all the nastiness out it the open, if we are not the ones under direct attack. Alisa has to protect her health and sanity.
What to do? Broadly a concerted effort from men and women within the community (a focussed track at a con) using examples of sexism from within the community?
I am by no means saying sweep it all under the carpet or telling Alisa she should just let stuff slide/ turn the other cheek.
There is a point though at which knowing every gripe, passive aggressive whine adds nothing further to the pile of evidence.
I am in a couple of other communities where sexism as an issue has been raised.
It’s something that needs to be constantly raised, I fear because one source is male privilege and one of the major points about privilege is that you don’t necessarily know you are exercising it until it’s pointed out to you.
Absolutely. And in all honesty, it shouldn’t be Alisa and the other people affected by this who should have to deal with this shit. Because it does wear you down and get exhausting. And sometimes it’s more important to think of yourself, and your own health and well-being.
Thank you Glenda! I’m so glad you had a great time, especially when you travelled so far and you being there was definitely a highlight!
I think we all came out of the Ditmars feeling sullied, maybe that was the intent. It was pretty nasty though, either way.
I don’t think you do want to know what people think of your con after it’s done – there’s nothing you can do at that point, and it only really matters for the next con anyway.
RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URL
Leave a comment
You must be logged in to post a comment.