September 15   Rough Week

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I composed the perfect post I wanted to make whilst in Konga class yesterday and it has of course now completely vanished into the ether. So um … here’s hoping I fumble around in the dark and get to what I actually wanted to say. It was deep and meaningful.

This week was tough. It’s finally hit that this tour is going to be long and lonely. I feel in some ways like I don’t get to validate that because this is maybe the easiest tour we might have – I know where he is and it’s not in a war zone, he calls home when he can, he emails all day long and we don’t have kids. Which means that I am well aware there will be much tougher times than this. But also means I haven’t really allowed myself to feel sorry for myself – that I’m doing the crunch time wedding planning, going to all the meetings and making a lot of decisions by myself. In some ways it feels like it’s an imaginary wedding with a make believe person. And even though I have lived by myself – for 3 years before this one – and I have had to do ALL the things by myself, it still feels like a lot when you’ve been sharing this responsibility with someone else. It’s really hard to do all these things and to keep all the balls, in all areas of my life, in the air right now.

And so … the inevitable. I think I can learn this about myself as a sign, when I proclaim (and really believe) that it’s rainbows and lolly pops and everything is going awesome and I have it all under control? Yep, I’m gonna be sliding into the hole the very next day. I’m about 1 day away from burnout. Which is nice to know. The trick to managing your headspace is to actively manage your headspace. So I’ll just, uh, note that down for later, eh? I came home Monday night and did not feel like working and could not seem to make myself work. C’s suggestion was: CRAP tv and knitting. And well, seemed to make a lot of sense. The rest of my week was much of the same. I can always tell when I’m succumbing to the abyss when my leaving the house time creeps later and later. And this meant working later at the day job progressively through the week. Which eats into TPP and other time. etc.

I made it to Konga class on Thursday though for the first time this set of classes. And loved it! And remembered that I love it! So hopefully will make it to the final two classes. And hopefully it will get the 3 more weeks the teacher was mentioning. And that of course helped me sleep a bit better.

I’ve had a bit of disappointing news on the day job front which has contributed to feeling a bit down about it all. I realised though that I was acting emotionally about it – which is fine to be the initial response but then you know, take a step back and let the head take over. I think maybe it’s not as bad as it felt on first hearing and yeah, I’ll have to do some stuff I don’t like, and have phobias about, but the potential for long term gain might be worth it. Gah. Sigh. Sometimes (most times) you just have to put your Big Girl Pants on and get on with it.

Which does segue to what I wanted to post about. This week I had two firsts for me – I wore a dress to work (I have not done that ever in all the time I have had a day job) and I had to buy new workout pants. But not just *new* pants, this was the first time I have ever bought exercise gear at all. Two really big personal milestones. And they’re milestones not just because I have lost weight (I had to buy new pants cause the pants I work out in normally fall down now) but because I am starting to change the way I think about myself. Because I have not moved that dramatically down in dress size – I’ve lost one dress size, I think. “I think” because I don’t know what size I was to start off this year because I have not bought clothes in five years. If you don’t buy them, you don’t have to be confronted with what size you are and then you don’t have to be confronted with other things related to that.

But I wore a dress to work because I have started to buy clothes that say more about who I am rather than what will clothe me. And I bought work out pants because I am a person who works out now and does it regularly and in public. I have begun to see myself differently. I have begun to be more comfortable in my skin. And not because of the weight I have lost but because of the things I am doing that also just happen to have that outcome. I have begun to really care about the food I put in my body – that it be healthy and nutritious because it makes me *feel* better. I have energy now. I feel *clean* on the inside. I feel ready to run and dance and smile. And caring about that has changed the way I see myself. I no longer want to be invisible or slink into the wallpaper and hope noone notices me. I think once I started actively caring for my body, I started caring *about* my body. If you don’t move it, you get stiff and injured so exercise became not something that I am doing to lose weight but to stay working and functioning and productive. And as it turns out, the fitter and healthier I feel, the more I enjoy and long to move or run or dance.

I have an ongoing neck problem – I’ve had it since April. I’ve been seeing a physio regularly about it and it looks like I might have to continue with maintenance treatment til after the wedding because a lot of this is exacerbated by stress (what? I think I might have too much weight on my shoulders? nah!! ) But I’m so angry at myself because some of this is related to poor posture. And I think that is related to being so unhappy previously, with my ex, which is when the poor posture started, that I wanted to not be as tall or proud and I lost my confidence. I’m now actively working on correcting this but it occurs to me that feeling better inside my skin might just mean that I feel more like I want to start up straight :)

You know, just when I think I have deconstructed my crap and looked at it and then processed and addressed it, I find new crap that needs deconstruction.

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  • By Tansy Rayner Roberts on 15 September 2012 at 7:26 am

    I think you need to get over the idea that ‘this is the easiest’ that C going on tour will be. Because, it’s not.

    Sure, next time you might have kids, or a different job, or he might not be able to check in as often (all hypotheticals!)

    But next time will be easier because you will have done it before. And you’ll be better equipped to deal with the challenges.

    So stop beating yourself up for not beating the game on the lowest level, or whatever. This is HARD. Own that it’s hard. This is the only time you’ll be planning a wedding without your sweetie at your side. It’s okay to be sad and a bit stressed about it, and to ACKNOWLEDGE that sadness and stress.

    Otherwise you’ll be so busy judging yourself for not breezing through it that you will forget to deal with your sadness and stress.

    It wasn’t the same last time at all because you didn’t share a home and you weren’t a couple couple in the same way you are now. Missing your person is allowed. It’s not a sign of weakness.

    I used to miss mine like crazy when he was away for work for only a few days at at time, and thought I was all weird and neurotic for finding it hard to sleep without him. Until I remembered that i had never, ever slept in a house on my own before that.

    Also he finds it hard to sleep when he is away from me :D Because, having something taken away from you, even for a short time, is WAY HARDER than not having it in the first place.

    You will look back on this time and say wow, that was hard, but I DID IT and therefore I can do anything. At least, I hope you do that instead of looking back and saying ‘wow I should have been more perfect in how I handled that, next time I will put double the pressure on myself, that’ll work.’

  • By AlisaK on 19 September 2012 at 9:43 pm

    It’s hard :)

    It’s true that it’s harder than last time because we’ve been a couple for two years now and lived together.

    You know I always think I should have been more perfect :) But thanks. I’m gonna take the permission and just feel a bit sorry for myself :)

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