Champagne and Socks

Phew, what a day today. I dragged myself out of bed cause I stayed up too late last night reading – something I am going to repeat tonight (so close to Xmas!) – and was finally out the door at 7am instead of my usual 6.40. And I was 30 mins down the road when my car died. First the radio went. Then the indicators. Then the whole thing just suddenly lost momentum. Luckily I could pull off into the emergency lane. I checked my phone and yup, sure enough, I had 9% charge left on it. So I calmly called C and asked him to call the RAC and then I waited for them. A very nice man actually stopped to see if I was alright though he couldn’t help me. I thought it was nice that he stopped all the same – chivalry/good behaviour is not dead! The first RAC man determined that my alternator had died and helped me to get the car off the freeway and to Cockburn Gateway and to call the tow truck. I’d waited about 45 minutes for the first RAC man and then he told me the tow would be about an hour, that I should head off to get a coffee and come back. I raced off to Big W (yay for being open before 9!) and got a phone charger (and then a hot chocolate on the way through) and raced back to my car. At which point I really was cursing myself for wearing my highest heels that day and for not packing a paper book for the first time in weeks. And when I got back to my car and charged my phone off my laptop, I discovered I’d already been texted for the tow. Not at hour/90 minute wait after all.

Much of the rest of the day was spent much less dramatically – the tow truck took me to the mechanic where I left my car. I got picked up and taken to my parents. Then I waited for the car to be repaired, did some work on the laptop, ran errands and had coffee (hot chocolate for me) with my dad. And in this running errands bit I discovered that my print run of Bad Power had arrived yesterday! Had I not had to come north to get my car fixed, I wouldn’t have been near my post office til maybe Saturday or early next week! So that was a big bonus!

I raced home through peak hour to make it in time for the Galactic Suburbia recording! And then I did the Bad Power mail out!

In fact, a rather mellow day, when all is said and done. Tomorrow I go back to work for some unpleasant things to face – why do people leave things to the very last gasps of the working year and then expect you to work miracles? Canna be done, Cap’n. And we have our end of year thing tomorrow afternoon. And then … 8 days left of work and perhaps a wee bit of a change for me in the coming year.

Plans plans plans. My head is swimming with plans of what I want to do in the future and it’s very difficult to stay enthusiastic about the grind of the present – you know that whole winding things up for the end of year thing.

I’ve suddenly got an exciting holiday to plan and granted it’s a long way away from now but still. Planning! Things to do! Things I want to see! Must make a “indicative” suggestion list. Wouldn’t want to be too scheduled but but but! SO EXCITED. Ahem.

Some time ago Deb had me promise to consider taking the month of December or January off TPP. To just … break. And relax. I think today I realised that’s probably not going to happen. I’m a bit sad about that but am also really revved up on the projects I’m currently working on and want to give as much time as I can to them. I want them to be the best I can make them. And I ended up behind in 2011 which I understand but can’t quite forgive myself for. Yes, yes, I can hear C’s refrain in the background.

Anyway, it is what it is. And I don’t do well idle anyway.

I keep forgetting I only have Xmas and New Years off – maybe 10 days, maybe a little more, I haven’t counted yet. But I have this huge list of things I somehow genuinely think is reasonable to get done in that time. Like I want to catch up on a bunch of TV shows. And I want to get stuck into finishing a few of my quilting projects. These two are compatible but um in 10 days? I can probably *work* on one project and undoubtedly will *start* several new ones. Thereby not completely goal A and setting myself to have even more UFOs (unfinished objects) for next Xmas. I also want to clean out and tidy the two spare rooms – one of which is currently the TPP storeroom and craft dumping ground. The other has two cupboards of craft supplies that I want to organise and audit. I also have a bunch of novels I want to finish. Last Short Story to get on top of. Oh and the rest. Like, all the TPP tasks I haven’t gotten to this year and the new projects/ideas I want to initiate or implement.

Rationalising is needed. I know.

And then I’m starting to think about 2012. It’s a new year. I’ll be getting married. I’m thinking of the cons I might attend and the ones I won’t. There’s change afoot in my day job and at this stage I don’t know which way that’s going to play out. And I feel like I need to set some rules for my hobbies. Yeah yeah I know how that sounds. But maybe something like, I can only buy a new book for every 2 that I finish reading. OR something. And I signed up for Cookie A’s sock club. It’s been a few years since I joined a sock club and that’s because I was using it as an elite sock yarn collecting exercise. This one though is a lot of fun – it’s the choice of 2 sock patterns with a skein of yarn every other month and two cookie recipes to bake to go along with it. It’s the cookie recipes that sealed the deal for me. And on umming and ahhing about it, C said to me – well I guess I’ll be baking the cookies. Damn  I love that man. And the thing I’m coming to finally realise is –  I can be superwoman and do it all but only because he does some of the things for/with me. Which the more I think about it, the more I realise this  is what is called a partnership or a team.

We’re expecting the arrival of Bad Power by Deborah Biancotti – Book 4 in the Twelve Planets series – any day now. To whet your appetite in the meantime, enjoy a series of excerpts from and about the book.

Palming the Lady

“She told me my future.”

“What was it?”

“In the words of Dorothy Parker-”

“I know. No one gets a happy ending.”

“You want to hear something really creepy, you should ask her what she sees in her own future.”

Detective Palmer is called to the home of Matthew Webb, an anxious young medical student who claims he’s being stalked by a homeless woman. When Palmer takes the nameless woman in, she finds she has an uncanny ability to tell the future. By the time Palmer unravels the truth about so-called ‘Mad Mary’, Palmer herself must confront the devastating future that Mary has left her – a future where the only forgiveness available to her will be her own.

Preorder your copy of Bad Power here.

We’re expecting the arrival of Bad Power by Deborah Biancotti – Book 4 in the Twelve Planets series – any day now. To whet your appetite in the meantime, enjoy a series of excerpts from and about the book.

Shades of Grey

“There are two kinds of people with lawyers on tap, Mr Grey. The powerful and the corrupt.”

“Thank you.”

“For implying you’re powerful?”

“For imagining those are two different groups.”    

Esser Grey is a rich and powerful man who has discovered, despite the world’s attempts to soften its edges for him, that one power eludes him: he cannot die. He sets out to divert the unwanted miracle through suicide and, when that doesn’t work, through murder. Along the way he meets Detective Palmer, the first person not only to acknowledge his miracle, but also his humanity.

Really, I do keep meaning to update but time is just getting away from me. Seriously, where the hell did November go? I’m not even sure that we actually did all 30 days of it? C and I keep looking at each other and wondering where the month went but also noting that we did a heck of a lot of things this year too. I’m planning on making a wrap up end of year list to remind myself because I know it’s going to be ridiculous.

I’m still doing my 6am starts with being at work by 7.30am. And that means I’m going to bed 10ish which feels like I have very little time in the evenings, or outside work. It must be about the same though, surely? Though, I am also using these hours so probably I have less hanging about in my out of work hours. Today we opened up the Dance Central 2 game that C bought me cause I said I would dance if I had it. And we had a good hour of that. I kinda think that dancing is a far more fun way to get fit than booooring going to the gym agaaaain. Plus I’ve been watching So You Think You Can Dance on Friday nights on 11 and missing that part of my life a bit. And then I had a terrible dream last night, a nightmare if you will, that I went to audition for SYTYCD and the only judge on the panel was Robert Shearman and my body just … well … it got old and it couldn’t do any of the things it used to. Well that put a light under my bushel (is that the saying?).

Other than that, we’ve been recording podcasts - Galactic Suburbia the week before last and then again this week. And I’m enjoying actually finishing novels. I have a new one for this week’s episode and am determined to finish Yarn by it too. So that we can get on with the spoilerific podcast for that. But somehow, I’m working my way through my very pared down to read queue by my bed and actually books are making it to the real bookshelves at the other end of the house. I can read! Phew!! Though I keep thinking of all the things I want to get done in my holidays and forgetting that I am not 9 anymore and it’s only 10 days and not 10 weeks. Bummer.

We also recorded a new episode of Live and Sassy. You know what December is like – I really don’t know why we a) all leave everything to the last 4 weeks of the year and b) have this imaginary line in time where simply MUST catch up with everyone we know before the end of the year, as though terrible things will happen if we leave some of them til the week after just cause it’s the first week of the next year. Anyway, so our calendars didn’t coordinate so well and we skyped this episode. We’ll be back to doing it live in a cafe and annoying our listeners with background noise early in the new year.

And books! And projects! I’m really pushing to get a few projects to the printer’s by Xmas so that I can work in a I’m in the Future kind of publishing world in 2012. We’ll see how that goes. I’m expecting Bad Power to arrive any day now. And we have Showtime in layout proofing. And Through Splintered Walls is shaping up nicely. I’m also working on a novella project which we’ll announce soon. And another possible sekret project. And of course, I’m clearing the decks for the novel submission month of January.

And planning a wedding. I only just realised today that I get to plan a holiday as well since we know where we are off to on our honeymoon. EXCITING!!! Yesterday we all trouped back to the wedding venue and did very important things like sign the contract and pay the deposit. Tis booked. And they said “see you in 8 – 10 weeks before the wedding” – OMG! And I got a showbag which was rather exciting. Or you know … useful. The venue owner finally managed to convey to my mother what I had failed to do so -the awesomeness of bonbonierre. It’s not a thing in our culture so it’s a completely foreign convept to us, I guess. However, we now have some awesome ideas to play with for that.

So, you know. Busy.

Today I drove up to Karrakata for the stonelaying consecration of a dear friend. In Judaism, we bury our dead as soon as is possible but we don’t lay the headstone for a year. Karin was my mum’s closest friend but I knew her very well too and considered her a dear friend too. As I drove up, I couldn’t believe it’s really been a whole year that she’s been gone and I mulled over the idea of someone leaving a hole in the world. She’s gone and the world will never be the same without her and we miss her. But I am so very glad I got to know her and that she was here at all.

I didn’t get to go to her funeral because I was in the US. But I’ve had occasion in the past year to be in her space – in the community of people she left behind. I stood there today as we gathered around her grave to say prayers and I looked around at the people who had amassed. Most people are lucky to have family come and some friends. There were a lot of people there today and looking around, I was struck by how varied they were – younger and older, Jewish and not Jewish, professional and personal friends. In this past year I’ve been to a few occasions were her friends gathered and I’ve been introduced to many of them. She was the sort of person who was always busy but always available and there when you needed her. In exchanging notes on how we each knew her, we’ve discovered just how many people she was so close to. It’s been such a pleasure to meet all these people – so varied and interesting and so gentle and compassionate. I can see why she was such good friends with them, and we have all been brought together to share our loss. I recognised many today and was able to embrace a few and share a moment of missing her with them. But more than that, I think meeting all these people and getting to know them, reflects so much about who she was. And as I stood there, I thought about how we are the community that she brought together around her. We stood as the people left behind.

The Rabbi gave a really lovely speech – it’s not usual to have a eulogy at a consecration. Usually he might say a few words after the prayers and before he reads out the inscription on the headstone. But Karin was not someone you could go without saying at least something. And I think what he said was so truly appropriate for the moment and for her. He said “what a full and worthwhile life this was” which kinda started my tears and then he said, “no words can fully describe the impact she had in her work, in the community and in her personal life.” And he talked of all the people she had touched and cared about and fought for. It was a nice speech and even he had a cry at the end. He said that Karin, in Hebrew, translates to rays of light and that as we had all been touched by her, we should remember her and take her inspiration and make the light brighter. He said it more poetically – he’s the Rabbi so he said it better, that’s his job.

There is so much about the way Karin lived her life and the way she carried herself in this world to learn from. And I will always carry her as an example as I go forward. She was brilliant, fearless, right, capable of anything, loving, a listener, a leader, a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister and a friend. And if she was in your corner, you knew everything would be all right. She was the ultimate Super Woman, all the way to the end. And she was taken from us far too soon.

Wow, has it really been almost a week between blog posts? I’ve been wanting to blog all week but the funniest thing has been going on – I’ve been falling asleep before getting round to it. By 10/10.30 pm. Like I said, the funniest thing.

So maybe just the highlights:

• I have now been caffeine free (apart from chocolate) for about a month. And oddly, loving it. It’s far enough away now to remember that I love coffee but to not quite remember just what that means. I feel great. I sleep a good 8 hours, except when I’m eating into that by reading a chapter or two before sleeping, and I feel refreshed in the morning. That thing people talk about? Rest. Refreshed. Raring to go? That’s me now! I actually get up at 6am and whilst not bouncing out of bed like C, I don’t really have to drag myself. And I’m three weeks now having started work at 7.30am. It’s pretty good.

• I seem to have less time. And that might be an illusion but it feels like I need to triage my day when I get home. I have enough time to do housework or TPP before dinner but I still have energy to be able to throw at it at that hour. And then after dinner I have maybe an hour to watch TV and sew and/or an hour or so to read, catch up on the internet and so on. And then it’s bed. I’m sleeping more, so I have less time. But I feel better and I’m hoping that means I will work more efficiently (and get sick/burnout less).

• I’m actually reading. For fun. One day a week at work I manage to read during lunch. And I’m reading for about an hour before bed – a lot of that is internet catching up but I am reading. I finished one book and I’m about a third of the way through another. And it feels good. I’m actually reading! And getting through a to read pile (my bedside table one) and putting books away and relaxing before sleeping.

• I’m watching less TV. And I’m not missing it. I almost watch no free to air now. And then I watch a season or something of whatever I’m watching on the weekend.

• I think I might be finding some kind of zen balance here.

• Yet I’m still waiting for a phonecall. Maybe it will come next week. Waiting is such torture.

• This year has been one helluva crazy ride. One of the things I’ve been deconstructing is the idea of what I actually like/want versus what I think I should like/want/be. It’s very irritating to realise how much I hold onto as ideas of who I think I should be but actually am totally not. I think what kickstarted the thought process was one night when I was screwing my face up whilst eating some dip that I thought was disgusting. C said to me “You don’t like it.” And I replied, “But I really want to like it” and continued to try it and he sorta yelled “But you don’t LIKE IT!” (in the way that he doesn’t actually yell.) Anyway so after that I’ve started looking at things and asking myself if I like it/want it/enjoy it or is it just something that I think is part of some me that I would like to be. Rather than am. I guess in a way it’s a process of accepting myself as I am and giving away an idea that I can change/mould myself to be something else. Cause… what’s wrong with the me I am, anyway?  Like, in all the bridal magazines, the Maldives seem like where you should go for your honeymoon. I’m like looking at the picture, all that blue blue ocean, all those restful huts overlooking stunning vistas. And I’m like, that looks so dreamy and relaxing. And then I read the article to see what the people in the pictures had done on their honeymoon and I’m like, “I would *hate* that”. We’re gonna do something else. I still kinda want to be the person who would enjoy that and one day I want to see that. But you know, that’s not really me. And that’s ok. Cause then when C suggested where he thought we should go it was like a hell yes destination.

C is always teasing me because I never stop and enjoy the things that I *do* achieve in a day.

Today, we went with my parents to wedding venue choice number 1 to take a tour and try the food. Etc. We loved it. And we pencilled our names in for a date – the date that we could get. Which was  a coupla months further out than we’d thought. Which means that I get extra time. For things. And stuff. And we all loved it, which is great. I wasn’t sure about the date but we popped in to see C’s parents afterwards and they were very happy with it too.

And so … we’re getting married.

Yes, yes, I know we all already knew that but … I was referred to as The Bride. I might have quietly hyperventilated about that – the reference to moments like “Announce the bride” and “We will hide you here and then present etc” – what? everyone is going to be looking at me! Anyway. It feels a lot more real now that we have a date. And my parents were there and we discussed details and and and holy crap! We’re getting married.

When I blogged a few months ago about things suddenly getting very real? This was one of them.

And I booked in for my first facial. Did you know you need to start your moisturising routine a year out from your wedding? You know, to look your best. It’s fascinating the way this industry fuels it’s own demand. All you have to do is tell a bride she needs to have been doing X by yesterday or of course she needs Y and if you haven’t had enough sleep, the crazy starts to sound like sense. And I wouldn’t have bought into the whole facial thing if my workmate who is getting married not long after me, started booking herself in for 6 weekly facials, and she is like, doing nothing at all that’s wedding train. I started to panic – do *I* need to be doing that? Don’t *I* want to look the best that I can look on the day? Meh.

Anyway, we’re getting married!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Random links I have been collecting.

Weirdfictionreview.com is a website devoted to The Weird and created by Luis Rodrigues. The project is the brainchild of editing-writing team Ann & Jeff VanderMeer. With regular and weird updates throughout the week, it’s well worth adding to your RSS feed.

Charles Tan writes of his experience at WFC – Fantasy in the Real World, An Eye Witness Account.

Under My Hat – upcoming anthology edited by Jonathan Strahan (it’s about witches) – table of contents are revealed. Can’t wait to read this one.

Angry Robot announces new YA Imprint – Strange Chemistry.

CAL’s Creative Industries Fund – Applicants can apply for grants of up to $5,000 to undertake training, travel or other activities that will enhance their careers. The application deadline for the next round of funding is 5.00 pm Friday 20 January 2012. Why not apply for travel to Adelaide Writers Festival or Continuum for Natcon?

Angus and Robertson bought by Supanews Retail.

Today I’m planning on finishing Kim Westwood’s The Courier’s New Bicycle so I can talk about it on Galactic Suburbia this week.

I’m loving this book so much – it seems I’ve been starving for excellent Australian science fiction and this book is just absolutely satisfying the craving. I know I’m going to be sorry when it finishes – I’ve been carrying it around with me everywhere to grab a quick chapter whenever I have a moment. I can’t even remember the last novel I did that with.

Here’s a sneak para I just read:

… you soon come to realise that every culture has its own version of untouchable.”

She looks away, suddenly embarrassed, and belatedly I realise she’s referring to people like me. Braheem shifts uncomfortably in his seat.

I think back to my teens and early adulthood, and all the confusion I’d felt over who I was. Those who present as androgynously as I do are a walking, talking question mark for the community to feel confused about. Some even seem to think we’ve been designed deliberately to mock them.

This book is so so good! It’s a brilliant dystopian Melbourne after a hideously gone wrong vaccine program to combat a bird flu pandemic. I know Tansy already mentioned on GS how uncomfortable she is with that in relation to the current day issue of misinformation and hysteria over vaccinating children etc. But I am reminded of the stockpiling that happened in Australia of Tamiflu for the supposed impending of bird flu outbreak here several years ago – and questions over whether Tamiflu would work, if people were administering it to colds and not even flu and if in fact the stockpiling would result in tonnes of out of date product etc.

In Westwood’s post apocalypse, of sorts, Australians have lost their virility. And the religious zealot right wing has come into power to police how people live and think. Scientific engineering of nature is outlawed and there is a crack down on “perversion” ie not conforming to the gender norms.

This book is a gorgeous melding of the exploration of potential impacts of engineering nature, political reactionism and gender identity and acceptance (or lack of) in society. Whilst grim in content, this book is exquisitely written and uplifting to read gritty, in depth examination of current day issues. You know, what science fiction is supposed to be.

I want more Westwood!

Have you seen this yet?: Open Letter to Simon and Schuster CEO

This guy is pretty upset, I think. I tried to read the whole post but its loooong and it goes off on tangents and really, doesn’t really get much to the point. He was paid an advance of $65 000, six weeks after he signed his contract with S&S and apparently that’s not immediate enough for him – pretty standard turnaround where I work when you come on as a brand new employee but whatev. And he’s upset, I think because:

Your designer (who is good – I bet he’d have done good work if he ever saw my design brief) is not the problem.

No wait the designer is not the problem. Wait for it, cause publishers love to be told this one:

Okay, whatever. At least you spent some time implementing the three hour long design brief I wrote for the cover, giving specific recommendations and historical comps?

Alas, no. When I got the cover, they totally ignored everything about my audience, my goals, my notes I gave you guys, and whatever else. I re-wrote notes, and they were ignored. So much for “meaningful consultation”!

I’d list more, but it’s all the same sort of thing. Suffice to say, I kept coming with ideas that might or might not work, and getting back nothing or less than nothing in return.

So this dude is a debut author. And so of course, like many people who do things for the very first time, he knows everything about the industry. He knows what sells, he knows how to sell it, he knows how to run this business that he’s … oh, no, wait, that’s right. He’s never actually sold a book before.
But why I’m blogging this is not for the above or the other bunch of verbose ranting which you may or may not feel like ploughing through (oh my gosh does he not sell himself as a writer in that post! Or um, you know, someone I’d want to work with …) it’s for the UNNECESSARY use of the word “bitch” throughout it. You know, I get that he’s upset. I get that he feels like he needs to vent. I get he might feel like his back is up against the wall. But OMG! He feels like he’s being “treated like a bitch” and that that, THAT is the worst thing that could ever happen to him.

And this, just a few weeks after the mencallmethings campaign on Twitter.

No craft photo for yesterday. I did things like final dentist appointment for the year (hooray! – dentist asked me what award I won and then I think he tried to pitched me a novel!) and check my post box, visit my parents and then do a bit of work before reading before bed.

However, in the last couple of days, Amanda finished up this beautiful book and sent it the printers:

I’m very proud of this, the fourth volume in the Twelve Planets series. It’s Deborah Biancotti taking the next step on from A Book of Endings. And it’s so exciting to be able to watch a writer grow and evolve and move. Bad Power is five (she cheated a bit there but you’ll see why I let that extra story slide, you WANT it in there, I promise!) interwoven stories, five different perspectives, five different superpowers that aren’t all that awesome, really.

Here’s the back cover blurb. In the next couple of days I’ll post bits Deborah wrote for promo on each of the stories.

Hate superheroes?
Yeah. They probably hate you, too.

‘There are two kinds of people with lawyers on
tap, Mr Grey. The powerful and the corrupt.’
‘Thank you.’
‘For implying you’re powerful?’
‘For imagining those are two different groups.’

From Crawford Award nominee Deborah Biancotti
comes this sinister short story suite, a pocketbook
police procedural, set in a world where the victories are
only relative, and the defeats are absolute. Bad Power
celebrates the worst kind of powers both supernatural
and otherwise, in the interlinked tales of five people —
and how far they’ll go.

If you like Haven and Heroes, you’ll love Bad Power.
•
‘These appetisingly wicked stories give you
the perfect taste of Biancotti’s talents.’
– Ann VanderMeer

Gwyneth Jones on the Twelve Planets series:
‘These Australians give me hope for the future
of female, and even feminist, writers in sf.’

And to celebrate the release of Bad Power:

November Special – Buy Bad Power or Twelve Planets Subscription and get A Book of Endings for – $15.00

Craft table at work! Today I mostly cut out more pieces for this project. I pinned a few and sewed maybe two seams. But for the rest of the week I’ll be able to piece and sew to my heart’s content. I love this fabric and am having a lot of fun working with it.

I’m starting to think that I might not be good at the happy medium thing. I’ve been grizzling a lot to C and he keeps pointing out that I tend to focus on the negative – on what I haven’t achieved or what I am not spending time on rather than on what I have done. He has a point.

And I realised today a few things. My asthma is finally starting to come under control but I am now starting to lose my voice. And I hear myself telling people that I am really burnt out and had a really full on year so this kind of thing is to be expected (it’s by business model, as Tansy would say – work really hard, push myself beyond that, finish, then hit wall, collapse and get sick). And this year has been jam packed full. I can hardly believe what I have accomplished this year. And maybe, just maybe, the right thing to do is, for once, to be kind to myself. So yes, whilst I have given up 2.5 hours per day from non-day job activities, I am sleeping 2 hours more!! per night and I am taking lunch. And both are translating to a lower stress load and resulting in me feeling *really* good physically. I’ve hit that positive feedback loop thing where you feel good so you make better choices – like eating fresher food, drinking water, contemplating exercise – to continue to feel better. And I’ve started caring more about dressing for work, wearing accessories and so on, because I feel better about myself. And they say that people who sleep less, weigh more. I’ll keep you posted on that front.

And of course, the theory goes that you do better and more efficient work when you feel better and are less stressed. Being someone who performs well under pressure, I dunno about that one. Of course I still have several more deadlines to reach by the end of the year and have reduced the time available to work on them so maybe the pressure is still on.

But the other thing I’m always complaining about – working so much on TPP that I don’t have time to read or craft. Tonight I spent maybe two hours sewing (minus cooking for dinner and some admin stuff). And then I’m going to read for an hour, maybe, before bed. So that would mean that today I did day job, TPP admin, TPP editing, crafting and reading as well as some housework. That’s actually a better scenario – and one I’ve been trying to work towards for a long time. I am such a whinger!

November Tallies:

Submissions Words Read: 11725

Edited Words: 18 000

Episode 2: Live and Sassy with Alan Beatts

At the recent World Fantasy Convention in San Diego, we sat down with Alan Beatts from San Francisco’s Borderlands Books to discuss his article Amazon is Nobody’s Friend.  What followed was a fascinating and disturbing conversation about the future of books and bookstores, and the value of every reader’s vote.

We’d like to thank Alan, and hope you enjoy the podcast. We also promise to try to get a little closer to a regular schedule, now we’re both back from the US (where Alisa won a World Fantasy Award!).

Following on from the last post, here is my photo from today. I did get a couple of pieces cut out ready for sewing. And stitched about two seams and did some pinning. I would love to do more tonight but my eyelids are getting very heavy.

I’m deep into the wedding research, or I should say deep into the flailing about trying to figure out what’s important and what I want. And balancing that against what I can have. The way C deals with living with this is one of the reasons I’m marrying him. He has downloaded two wedding planning apps now. The first was free and gave a “comprehensively detailed list” of everything that needs to be done. The second he came across through research as the best reviewed and he liked that one because it enabled the user to be the groom (rather than the bride) and for the groom to have a groom. I’m a pencil and paper person myself. Still, the other day he says to me: “We’ll work through the list, and colour all the boxes, you’ll use a colour that’s different to everyone else in the world, because you’re you, and we’ll have a wedding. Oh and you have to start your moisturising routine, now!”

And that is why I am marrying him.

Still, I always knew those mags were rage inducing and that’s why I’d never read a bridal magazine before. And now I am trying to read them with a sense of irony or at least to get some ideas or jog some and because there are some good snippets of information.  And that’s fine as long as I can hold strong against the industry brainwashing for wanting all kinds of things that are totally over the top. But every now and then, they catch you in a weak moment and you can’t set apart the sensible from the ridiculous.

I gotta go now. And moisturise.

You know, I really do love this early morning start thing. For a bunch of extra reasons that I didn’t mention in yesterday’s post – I can take my full lunch half hour now instead of needing it to make up time. I don’t get the mid afternoon slump. I get a chance to do a few things in the morning before my phone starts ringing etc. (Half my team starts at 7.30 so it’s not silent but it is peaceful). I can order my lunch early and have best pick of the muffins. And I really do feel better, within myself. I’m sleeping more. I’m eating less junk food at night. And I’m making the small random changes I want to make, because I feel like I can. Like … finally taking my mug down to the canteen instead of getting a takeaway cup. The kind of stuff you worry about later when you have less “concerns”.

But.

And there is always a but.

My answer when people ask me how I juggle so much stuff? Yeah, it used to be “I sleep less.” And now I am sleeping up to two hours more a day. I kinda needed that time to get stuff done. I’m really starting to feel it – the less time in the evening after work to do both sewing and also editing etc. It’s a struggle. Yes, I had an hour massage (crick in the neck came back whilst travelling) today and I am probably blowing it out of proportion. But still. I will say that sticking to this routine over the weekend meant we’d accomplishing A LOT by lunchtime each day. And it might be that I just need to be stricter about TPP working hours on the weekend from now on. Something tells me that feeling better physically *should* eventually translate to better quality, more efficient work. Right? Right?

ETA: I remembered too that I am now reading for an hour before bed. I used to work right up until falling asleep, whilst watching TV. Now I am getting much wanted reading done – yay – at the expense of work – not yay and much less television watching – both yay and not yay.

I promised Deb that I would think about taking all of December off from Twelfth Planet Press.  I still have a lot to get done before January and that idea is looking less likely. But, I am intending to have off the leave days I take from work as complete days off and am already planning the TV I’m gonna watch and the crafting I’m gonna finish whilst watching it. But I miss crafting – I’ve barely had time for it the last two months or so. So I’m going to try and post a pic every day of something that I’ve done that day – it might not be anything special, it might be cutting out pieces to be sewn another day but every journey begins with the first step, right?

Today’s photo is the first block for some Xmas presents. I’m feeling very in the kitschy Xmas mood this year. And this material is just perfect. I just cut out a bunch more and the material (assorted trees and reindeer and baubles) makes me smile.

In other news, I can report I managed a 7.30am start at work every day this week. I loved it so much I made C set the alarm over the weekend to make sure that I didn’t fall out of the routine. I’m so terrified this is all just jetlag and that I’ll flip back to my old ways. Thing is, I’ve been doing a few other things that are uncharacteristic for me too, which has people around me feeling discombobulated.

I’ve given up coffee. And don’t even miss it. Ok maybe I miss it a bit but I’ve also been falling asleep between 9pm and 10pm and am wondering if that’s as a result of giving up the caffeine. Plus my guts are still not up to coffee again. A friend at work freaked out when I made a herbal tea in the afternoon. She was like, “I’ve never seen you drink tea before!” – we’ve worked together for about 4 years now. And I actually *do* like tea. I just, I fall into routines and I don’t come out of them, I guess.

I feel better. Like a lot better. I like the getting a jump start on the day. I like getting to go home by 3.30 – no mid afternoon slump. I feel like I’m sleeping better and I’m getting 8 hours a night now. I’m eating better. And I feel more cheerful. I think I worked better at my day job last week than I have in a while (though have also had a bit of a break, with the US trip). I like the new routine. And trust me, I never ever thought I would say that. I’ve not been a morning person for at least the last twenty years.

Here’s to it sticking!

First, some book p0rn. Here’s my WFC stash:

From my con bag I kept The Last Unicorn by Peter Beagle and Guardian of the Dead by Karen Healey. The top four books are from Charles Tan and are Philippine SF for me to bring home. I did some secondhand bookshopping with S, D and V and walked away with the Agatha Christie and the Andre Nortons. And the rest, I’m afraid, was dealer room shopping. I love the kind of bookshopping you do with friends. I’d told Jonathan and Ellen that I’m looking for old books written by women (the few I bought are the ones wrapped in plastic) and they both kept popping out at me from behind bookstacks to read me out crazy blurbs or first pages. And then when Ellen had been unsuccessful at nabbing Jonathan a copy of Delia’s book because they were quickly sold out at her book launch, we rushed off to the dealer’s room where rumour had it there were a few left. So I joined in and bought a copy too and then as the three of us were heading out of the centre in search of the bar or something, we bumped straight into Delia so we all promptly thrust our copies at her for signing. Much fun.

And then, *even though* I am starting to stress about things like “how will we afford children?” and “what if this is my very last year of fulltime paid work (and can no longer impulse buy yarn/fabric/books on the internet)?” I seem to be dealing with that by doing things like this, the books I have acquired *since* coming home from WFC:

And my to read bookcase, before the addition of the above:

And the worst of it? Those are all OLD books. The 2012 publishing year has already begun and I can be sure that on the next episode of Galactic Suburbia, Tansy is going to tell me about a bunch of books I should have read.

I *was* happy to leave work at 3.30 home time but the traffic was horrendous. It was my worst run home for the week, taking me an hour and a half office carpark to home.

So you can imagine the kind of mood I was in as I drove down Warnbro Sound Avenue very nearly finally home, when a young teenager (maybe 15?) standing at a bus stop, pulled his schmekel out of his pants and waved it in my direction as a passed him. It not being the first time that’s ever happened to me, I basically just gave a shake of my head that I hope indicated “nothing impressive” or “no thanks, need more than that to impress.”

And yeah whatever, as I said, not the first time in my life that’s happened and being a woman, and having been a woman in engineering school, you have to develop a way of dealing with that kind of stuff. Young boys like to shock and they like to make you uncomfortable, they’re looking for a reaction. So the only way to respond is to not respond. Or to be unimpressed or unsurprised. Look, he might have had something to wave about, but really if he needed to pull it out and show me unasked, well … that’s probably *all* he has to work with, if you know what I mean.

The funny thing is, I had been thinking about a post I wanted to make whilst driving home before that. It was going to be titled, “White Male Privilege”, and was going to tell this story:

All week, Triple J have been playing soundbytes from a Hack episode that must have discussed two sides of whether men are cool with dating ambitious, intelligent women. And one of the grabs is a guy who says of the equal opportunity initiatives in the workplace: “I think equality says more about the lack of skills inabilities in women in the workplace.” It wasn’t til this morning that I actually listened to it properly and got a really good laugh on my commute in to work.

Aside from the fact that he inadvertently, and through his own clumsy English, basically argued the feminist line, I’m blown away by the white male privilege of this guy who genuinely believes that he would be better at my job than I would be, simply because he was born with a penis. Which he also beautifully demonstrates to be false, given both my day job and my small business both heavily rely on a fluency and in depth understanding of the English language. And more importantly, I did not graduate at the bottom of my class in Engineering. And those I graduated ahead of where both men and women.

So, you could say that both my start and end of the day were bookended with penises being thrust in my face. The second was of course, mostly harmless. But still, I was forced to look at some guys genitals in the middle of my day. And … you know. Why? Why should I have to, just because I’m female? Why should I not be able to choose when my day becomes sexual and be able to choose when it is not.

There’s no use fighting it, my wedding train has left the station.

I realised this on the weekend when I looked up at C after I’d had a deep conversation with my mother on the phone about main course options and I discovered I had strong feelings against one, and C looked back and said, “That took two weeks.”

As soon as you tell people you’re getting married, and we told our parents literally 5 minutes after I said yes, everyone thinks you should know the date and the theme and who you’re inviting and what you want. I’ve found it really overwhelming. And I realised the other day why.

A year, or a bit more than a year, before I met C (and we were friends for a solid year before we starting dating), I finally realised that it was very possible that I might never meet my special someone, and I might not get married and have children and in fact that I might live as a single person for the rest of my life. I must have been about 32 at the time. Sure, it’s nice to look back at Past!Me and know she was wrong, but it was a really important moment in my life that I don’t regret. Because I seriously confronted myself with that possibility and I made myself think through what that actually meant. I made a list of the dreams that 6 year old me had made and that I might possibly never realise (I already have not delivered on the awesome scientist who heads up her own company making cool sciencey/medical things). And I then spent a year doing two very important things. 1) I grieved for the Jewish wedding I’d never have and the family I would not create and the life that would all become. 2) I asked myself if I could be happy on my own for the rest of my life, and then I worked on myself til the answer was yes. And I really did mourn for Life Path A and became happy to be the person with Live Path B. By the end of that year, whilst I’d been sad about giving up A, I had mourned honestly so that the sadness was behind me and I was genuinely happy with the possibilities that B had to offer.

But what that means now is, I genuinely threw out any emotional attachment, ideas, wishes, preferences or thoughts about a wedding of my own, cause I had begun to think that was just one thing I was never meant to have. And now, I genuinely have no thoughts whenever someone asks me about theme, ring, food, music whatever. And I’m beginning to wonder how much of all that stuff is the industry, and the industry cultivating young girls to want or expect or require certain things from the day (like matching napkin ring holders etc).

Because here’s the other half of all of this. I keep hearing myself apologise/explain “this is not a Jewish wedding.” See what I did there? *Even* though I do get to have a wedding after all, I still have to feel like I’m missing out or it won’t be as good as or it won’t be as important or meaningful as … The words coming out of my mouth are starting to piss me off. Because it feels and sounds like I’m robbing myself of this experience, or part of it. So here’s the thing, C isn’t Jewish, he’s not converting and a Rabbi won’t marry us. And when you tell people in the community that you are “marrying out” sometimes/often that is met with disappointment or pity. And it’s very possible/likely that people who are invited to this wedding won’t attend for that reason, and could you know, excommunicate (Jews don’t actually do that, so it’s more like just never talk to you or consider you alive) me. So there’s a bit of that in the air, let’s say.

I don’t really want to go into it here and I don’t really want to buy into it in my everyday life either. If someone can’t be happy for me because I am happy, then, you know, their being there is just not in the spirit of it. And I’m getting old and grumpy and would just prefer not to be judged. I’ve lived life. In some ways mine has been privileged. Within that, being a bit of an exception, or a non conformist and just plain different, meant I never really fit in. That makes it hard when you live in a small community. And long term readers of my older blog were there for the ride that was my 6 years of dysfunctional relationship with that Jewish guy. I guess I just want to be happy that I finally found my other half. And I just want people who are happy for me, and for us, to be there to celebrate that with us on the day. And I want the day to be about that, and our family and friends who have loved us and supported us all along the way. And the rest? I’m tired.

I’ve been there though, being the disappointed person refusing to be happy at someone else’s union. The general thinking goes that you’re lost from the tribe when you marry out. But when I think about the times that I’ve been disappointed, those people were never really much of the practising within the tribe kind of people to begin with. Can you lose something you never had? I have no doubt how strong my own Jewish identity is. And I know it’s pretty loud and clear every day of my life. My Jewish identity colours everything I do. And when I think about it, there’s no reason to think I’m suddenly going to lose it – I’ve been essentially living with C for almost a year now and if anything, he has picked up way more Yiddish and has learned elements of kashrut that I do practice (eg checking the eggs before he made omelettes for our fried rice last night).

So I’m struggling with determinedly not wanting to become a bridezilla. Not wanting to buy into really caring about tiny, stupid window dressing things that aren’t actually related to the point of it all. But also, wanting to be able to really enjoy this whole thing because we’re only getting married once and this is it! I finally get to have my turn! (See how dangerous that slippery slope is?!)

I really want it to be a celebration of who we are, individually and coming together. And for the ceremony to reflect that – because, *since* it’s not a Jewish wedding, all bets are off. We can baulk all and any traditions we like and make it all up as we go.

As soon as I figure out what our theme colours are.