Late last week – Thursday night in fact – I found out that C would be home at the weekend. Actually, he told me just as I was leaving the hospital, having been visiting my sister and not-yet-one-day-old new niece! My new niece is teeny tiny – 00000s onesies being too big. That (swimming in a 00000 onesie), by the way, is The Cutest thing in the entire world. As is she! Anyway, in and amongst all this excitement, C had finally managed to pass all the paperwork obstacles to get his leave able to be taken at home. Hurrah!
And so after mad scrambling to shuffle round my weekend plans, I managed to pick him up from the airport last night at 5pm. I *wanted* to do the whole Love Actually scene of run and leap at him but alas, I was delayed due to over-chattering at a previous engagement.
It’s been utterly lovely having him home. It’s like he’s never been away, I can hardly believe it’s been 5 weeks. And that’s going to make it even harder when he leaves next week. Then it will be the long haul til December. 
But on the bright side, in the day he’s been home, he’s shown me how to play my iphone through the car speakers (I so thought you could do that! Don’t ask how I have been listening to podcasts), fixed the kitchen tap, cooked me dinner and taken handover on a bunch of wedding tasks on my to do list. It’s good to have him home. And the puppy is slowly warming back up to the idea, after some caution and hesitation.
Today we had bake club. Several members tested the trifle entries to the competition for recipes for inclusion in A Trifle Dead for which I am very grateful. And photos were also taken! I’m still digesting all the food from bake club but it was a lot of fun!
And finally, yesterday I managed to go check my PO Box and was rewarded with many many shiny things. My package came from the very lovely Julia who was our designated acceptor should we win the Hugo. And so she sent us our Hugo pins (I HAVE A HUGO PIN!) and various other Hugo nominee paraphernalia. I may not have been able to attend the Hugo Losers party but I’m so excited that I got my own invitation!!! So freaking cool! She also sent the program and a con book and some other things and going through each one, I felt a little bit like I was there.
The other thing that arrived was a whole lotta fabric. I had been promising myself for about 2 months or more that if I could achieve zero inbox, I could get what ever fabric I wanted. And whilst I was not that progressive towards the goal, I did keep opening tabs of fabric bundles I loved, in anticipation. And eventually, through the GTD process, I did get zero inbox and got to order a bunch of stuff. And it all arrived in one giant go! OOh so exciting! I feel slightly guilty in that I think each fat quarter bundle I buy is its own new guilt so I keep adding future quilt projects to the pile and I’m not exactly whipping through the finishing off of the ones I’ve started. Still, new fabric always starts my creative juices flowing and I decided to play around with the new fabrics, cause that’s the fun bit after all, and design a new quilt. I’ve also been ordering all kinds of quilt books which have been arriving so I pulled them out to get ideas. (I also of course a) felt bad for ordering all this stuff whilst I have been knitting and have not actually sewn anything since probably January this year and then b) felt bad that pulling out the quilting stuff probably means an end to the knitting for a spell, again. I never seem to get the cyclical nature of my crafting).
Anyway. Not much in the way of work happened this weekend. I started my weekly review ala GTD but didn’t finish it. I’m not sure how much work will happen this week either. But I’m not going to feel bad about it since I already know how horrible it is when C is not here and that he will not be here again soon enough.
I did something today that normally I’d dread – I veered off my well worn weekly path off home, shower, TV and work, then bed – and happily headed out to catch up with some friends. Kindly I was allowed to bring the pups, who is not the most well behaved of creatures. And who hates the car. And I’m a horrible person in continuing to force him to go in the car under the theory that eventually he will get over it. I note, I absolutely refuse this kind of therapy to address my own phobias.
I had a lovely night. So good to sit with good friends, laugh, confess all my crazy, and be talked down off the Too Much Bus. Lots of fantastic advice and solutions and I’m inspired to head off and throw myself back into the fray. What more can a person ask for?
I composed the perfect post I wanted to make whilst in Konga class yesterday and it has of course now completely vanished into the ether. So um … here’s hoping I fumble around in the dark and get to what I actually wanted to say. It was deep and meaningful.
This week was tough. It’s finally hit that this tour is going to be long and lonely. I feel in some ways like I don’t get to validate that because this is maybe the easiest tour we might have – I know where he is and it’s not in a war zone, he calls home when he can, he emails all day long and we don’t have kids. Which means that I am well aware there will be much tougher times than this. But also means I haven’t really allowed myself to feel sorry for myself – that I’m doing the crunch time wedding planning, going to all the meetings and making a lot of decisions by myself. In some ways it feels like it’s an imaginary wedding with a make believe person. And even though I have lived by myself – for 3 years before this one – and I have had to do ALL the things by myself, it still feels like a lot when you’ve been sharing this responsibility with someone else. It’s really hard to do all these things and to keep all the balls, in all areas of my life, in the air right now.
And so … the inevitable. I think I can learn this about myself as a sign, when I proclaim (and really believe) that it’s rainbows and lolly pops and everything is going awesome and I have it all under control? Yep, I’m gonna be sliding into the hole the very next day. I’m about 1 day away from burnout. Which is nice to know. The trick to managing your headspace is to actively manage your headspace. So I’ll just, uh, note that down for later, eh? I came home Monday night and did not feel like working and could not seem to make myself work. C’s suggestion was: CRAP tv and knitting. And well, seemed to make a lot of sense. The rest of my week was much of the same. I can always tell when I’m succumbing to the abyss when my leaving the house time creeps later and later. And this meant working later at the day job progressively through the week. Which eats into TPP and other time. etc.
I made it to Konga class on Thursday though for the first time this set of classes. And loved it! And remembered that I love it! So hopefully will make it to the final two classes. And hopefully it will get the 3 more weeks the teacher was mentioning. And that of course helped me sleep a bit better.
I’ve had a bit of disappointing news on the day job front which has contributed to feeling a bit down about it all. I realised though that I was acting emotionally about it – which is fine to be the initial response but then you know, take a step back and let the head take over. I think maybe it’s not as bad as it felt on first hearing and yeah, I’ll have to do some stuff I don’t like, and have phobias about, but the potential for long term gain might be worth it. Gah. Sigh. Sometimes (most times) you just have to put your Big Girl Pants on and get on with it.
Which does segue to what I wanted to post about. This week I had two firsts for me – I wore a dress to work (I have not done that ever in all the time I have had a day job) and I had to buy new workout pants. But not just *new* pants, this was the first time I have ever bought exercise gear at all. Two really big personal milestones. And they’re milestones not just because I have lost weight (I had to buy new pants cause the pants I work out in normally fall down now) but because I am starting to change the way I think about myself. Because I have not moved that dramatically down in dress size – I’ve lost one dress size, I think. “I think” because I don’t know what size I was to start off this year because I have not bought clothes in five years. If you don’t buy them, you don’t have to be confronted with what size you are and then you don’t have to be confronted with other things related to that.
But I wore a dress to work because I have started to buy clothes that say more about who I am rather than what will clothe me. And I bought work out pants because I am a person who works out now and does it regularly and in public. I have begun to see myself differently. I have begun to be more comfortable in my skin. And not because of the weight I have lost but because of the things I am doing that also just happen to have that outcome. I have begun to really care about the food I put in my body – that it be healthy and nutritious because it makes me *feel* better. I have energy now. I feel *clean* on the inside. I feel ready to run and dance and smile. And caring about that has changed the way I see myself. I no longer want to be invisible or slink into the wallpaper and hope noone notices me. I think once I started actively caring for my body, I started caring *about* my body. If you don’t move it, you get stiff and injured so exercise became not something that I am doing to lose weight but to stay working and functioning and productive. And as it turns out, the fitter and healthier I feel, the more I enjoy and long to move or run or dance.
I have an ongoing neck problem – I’ve had it since April. I’ve been seeing a physio regularly about it and it looks like I might have to continue with maintenance treatment til after the wedding because a lot of this is exacerbated by stress (what? I think I might have too much weight on my shoulders? nah!! ) But I’m so angry at myself because some of this is related to poor posture. And I think that is related to being so unhappy previously, with my ex, which is when the poor posture started, that I wanted to not be as tall or proud and I lost my confidence. I’m now actively working on correcting this but it occurs to me that feeling better inside my skin might just mean that I feel more like I want to start up straight 
You know, just when I think I have deconstructed my crap and looked at it and then processed and addressed it, I find new crap that needs deconstruction.
Well it’s the beginning of week 4 of the tour. Wedding plans are full steam ahead, and shaping up in all directions. Suddenly the wedding seems very close and I don’t feel anywhere near ready. There is still so much to do and so much I want to get done before then. I’m missing C a lot. It feels very strange to have my own routine in this house without him. And I’m very aware of how much he was doing, now that I have to do it all myself. It’s suddenly a much harder juggling act. And at the same time, I’m also well aware that this could well be the easiest tour for me. And that gets a bit sobering.
I’m not wallowing though nor really allowing myself to get too lonely. I have some great people at work to hang out with and my weekends have been filled with family, friends and errands. I remember when my ex split up with me the first time and I thought I would “die”. I remember how horrible that was and I promised myself I would never be like that again – never allow myself to depend on someone else so much. And so I didn’t feel that way when he split up with me the second time and I don’t feel like that now. I have my own very full life and I remain independent. I’m marrying a sailor and they go away for long stints. I’m gonna be ok. And the upside about these days is that I still email with him everyday so he doesn’t feel that far away. And this is our second round of this – after the first time, C came home and asked me to be his girlfriend. This time when he comes home, I’m going to become his wife.
I don’t have too much to report. Everything is kinda about maintenance and moving projects forward. I spent the weekend rolling out the Getting Things Done thing – I found half my desk, which has been fully covered in tall piles of papers since I moved in here. I’m about a third of the way through this process, I guess. I didn’t believe Allen when he said I’d toss a lot and file a lot. I genuinely believed I was up to date on that part of record keeping. Alas no, I was not. Still it does feel good to see the results – more clear spaces and much less paperwork about the place. I also now fully see why my list systems weren’t working. I knew there was something broken about them but now it is all very very clear. I’m looking forward to more progress in the week ahead.
That said, I did nothing this evening but mooch around after dinner. C prescribed more of the same so I caught up on Doctor Who and attempted to knit the next stage of my cardigan three times. It’s like my knitting skills have devolved. Maybe I’ve taken too long a break from knitting?
Yesterday Helen came round and we had a meeting of sorts. She’s been a managing editor at TPP for over a year now (has it been that long already?) and we had to get on top of the bits and pieces relating to the final 5 Twelve Planets. I’m planning to take off two months around my wedding and that means moving all the work from those months forward. We’ll see. But we also have started work on what is planned beyond the 12 Planets. Such a funny thing because this project has been such a large one and it’s hard to believe we will soon be on the other side of it. I shall miss very much working on it – it’s been such an amazing group of people to work with – writers, introducers, editors, proofers, design and layout, ebooks and then beyond to the subscribers and booksellers and readers. Of course, the only way to deal with the sadness of the coming to an end of something is to plan something bigger and more ambitious. And that’s what we did yesterday. I’m a little bit scared to tell the truth. But at the same time, it’s thrilling and exciting. And I think that’s how it should be. Art shouldn’t feel safe or predictable.
I really have to be quick tonight as I am trying to incrementally bring forward my bedtime this week in order to see what it’s like, as an experiment, when I get more than 6 hours of sleep on average.
Earlier this week, I fell into a new cult. For some reason, I started listening to podcasts from the Getting Things Done company (David Allen) on Monday and by the time I got home, I’d listened to all the episodes I’d downloaded ages ago and realised, There Was Hope for me! Since then, I’ve vaguely mentioned this to C – that I’d discovered I didn’t have to give up my current pen and paper list system (I could have told you that, he said, and have you been reading the books?) – and discovered he has almost all of the books. And when I went looking for his books, discovered that my dear other half has about three shelves of management and leadership type books. tThis is what I meant at my engagement party when I said he has the other half of the library I’ve been amassing all my life. *Of course* he has exactly the book I need at exactly this time.
And so I’ve been working through the Idiots Guide to GTD – I bought the proper first book this morning though cause I didn’t love the Idiots Guide approach. And I’ve been retooling my list system. I knew there was something wrong with it cause it just wasn’t working the way it used to. Yeah turns out I need more verbs and more next actions and less with the which kind of red pen for the ticks.
I’ve already been way more productive today than I have been in weeks. Today:
– done 3 loads of laundry
– cooked dinner
– done all the dishes
– set out breakfast (and lunch cause FREEZER OF AWESOME) for tomorrow
– set out clothes for tomorrow and packed my bag for Konga class after work
– gotten my emails down from 98 to 37 (yes yes a ton of people just realised I knew they were alive and had read their email, I just couldn’t figure out what to do with it next, but have now actioned it. Expect more emails people. MORE EMAILS).
– cleared my dining table
– gathered all my “stuffs” around the house and put them in a new in tray for procesing
I feel SO MUCH BETTER ALREADY. Look out world!
I think you’re lucky if every now and again you can have one of those days that just boosts your faith in it all. And I had one of those kind of days today – a day where I was asked to come and inspire and be a role model and I hope I did that but also where the experience gave me back as much as I gave to it. Today was the very first day that I took annual leave for Twelfth Planet Press work. It felt very much like a milestone.
I was asked to come and speak at a girls’ school about TPP and about what I’ve been doing and about gender issues in publishing. I am not the great enjoyer of public speaking so I was kind of dreading it. But I took the speech I gave the other night, a powerpoint presentation and a TPP intern who also happens to be a school teacher and I headed out in the wild and wooly weather to what has to be one of the most beautiful schools in Perth.
I had terrible school envy. In fact, I kinda blamed my parents for everything that didn’t happen to me as I walked round the campus on account of them not sending me to that school (it was a Catholic school, that would never have happened but STILL! WOE!) I told afterwards that I could have done so much more with my life if I’d gone to that school and she rolled her eyes at me and said she thought I did alright. (Totally keeping her! Being able to roll your eyes at the boss is important)
Anyway. What a lovely day! I had deliberately chosen a timeslot that had the smallest group allocated to it but you know teachers! They managed to get Year 10s and 12s into what was just going to be a couple of Year 11s. And I don’t think I bored them too much. I thought they’d fall asleep or eat me alive or not ask me any questions at the end. None of that happened. I got asked lots of interesting questions and they laughed at my jokes. I met lots of young, smart and confident young women and smart and engaged teachers. And T was awesome – you know, if my superpower is finding the great people in life, it’s a pretty darn good (and useful) superpower. She wasn’t at all phased by the school or the schoolkids or any of it.
After the talk, which went ok, I played them a bit of Galactic Suburbia as well (schools these days have IT and internet and … wow, I feel SO deprived), the English department put on recess for me. They had catering and the most stunning staff room I could ever have dreamed about – with coffee machines and club sandwiches and The Best Teachers. We had a lovely time chatting about things.
But seriously, I think one of the best things that’s happened for me this year is starting to connect with school libraries and teachers. I am so inspired and heartened by how awesome they are and so hungry to find new and great material to teach and support and get into their students’ hands. How lucky kids are to be taught by such enthusiastic and creative and interested people. How lucky we are to have such great people teaching the future of our nation. There were so many smiles and so much encouragement, it reminded me why I am here today – I’m an engineer because my school teachers cared enough to find me a stream of engineering that would interest me and talk me into at least trying it out. I’m a publisher because I have always been encouraged by those around me to read and find and explore and immerse. I am so very lucky to have the honour of interacting with the people I find in life.
I had one of those days that made my heart soar and inspired me again by what is possible, that potential can be made real.
I had a good day
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