Champagne and Socks

I finally admitted a small truth to myself the other day.

I’m going through a stage of quiet raw honesty. I think it was kickstarted through various elements and chores for the wedding but it also comes from trying to bring myself into an operating GTD‘er. In GTD, you first need to sit down and figure out what you really want or need, what the outcomes of that look like and then design steps of actions to get yourself there. And I think a lot my often wandering around in a muddle is because I am not clear and honest about what outcomes I want.

But also…this process involves being honest about what and who I like and don’t like. Seems like an odd thing to say. Don’t we all know what we like and don’t like? Turns out that I don’t. I think it comes from being a people pleaser and not wanting to rock the boat. It’s just easier to think you like someone or something than to cause trouble by being the dissenter.

So a random example, the other day, I realised I don’t like praline. Which is weird because how do you wake up in your mid (cough) thirties and suddenly realise all your life you have not liked pralines? As a kid, at home, my dad would buy expensive chocolates and then dole them out as a special treat. Maybe you’d get offered to choose one from the box after dinner. And a lot of the time, those special, eat them one at a time, chocolates were pralines. And so … if something is prized, you kind of approach it with awe. There was ceremony – first I’d get offered to select from the box, then my sister. And you’d like pick the seahorse or the prawn cause it was bigger and you got more chocolate etc. But the other day, I was eating a praline from a stash of chocolates I bought for the day job team from Paris. And I thought “I HATE pralines. I really really dislike them. WTF?”

And the less I quash the “I don’t like …” feeling, the less quietly it whispers. I’m hearing it louder and louder everyday and am quite surprised by what I am discovering.

On the flipside, I’ve discovered I like a bunch of things I thought I didn’t … so that’s cool too.

And so we come to this:

This is a charm quilt I started a couple of years ago. It’s meant to be a sampler of all the fabrics that I come past and a bit of a memory quilt to keep a sample of some of my really faovourite pieces (so that I can go ahead and use them in something rather than collect them for the sake of just liking them). It was based on this gorgeous quilt I slept under when I stayed with Tansy for Christmas/NY 09. Hers has this lovely depth and movement to it in the way she has pieced dark, light and medium colours. I wanted mine to not be an exact copy of hers so I played with it a bit. And I got this.

But this project has been stalled for over a year.

As part of GTD, I am looking at my project inventory and deciding on the next action to progress each project forward. Or trying to figure out why the progress is stalled – what is the desired outcome, what action is next, what barrier needs to be removed to be able to do the next action etc. And looking at this project, I realised. I hate it. I really don’t like the way it is progressing and there is no enjoyment in working on it. And further, I realised that finishing it won’t help cause then I’ll just not like the finished quilt.

There’s really nothing for it but to admit that the next action is to completely unpick the whole thing and start again. I think I know what I did wrong – I tried to keep sets of fabrics together when really, it should have been much more random.

And that feels so much better to admit.

I’m getting so excited about these! The first Paper art workshop is this Saturday. The second one was just announced and if you’re in Perth and are interested, I recommend signing up straight away as the first one filled up overnight.

Paper Art Workshop

A passionate collector of found objects, Pam Langdon is inspired by the marine environment and patterns within nature. Her art practice resembles a beach combing expedition encountering strange, sometimes unidentifiable objects which have been washed ashore. Pam’s unique artist’s books are transformed and recontextualized from a discarded unloved existence, giving renewed life. Inspired by the stories and pages within each book the intricate cutting, folding and rolling of their pages forms spirals, symbolising movement and energy and reflecting growth patterns found in nature. The labyrinth of folds and curls entices the reader for closer inspection of their mysterious new life.

Pam will display and demonstrate 2 different forms of books, incorporating origami paper folding and paper cutting techniques. Each participant will also receive copies of Through Splintered Walls to enable them to begin work on their artwork for the combined community exhibition in May.

Due to materials, places are limited. To register, please contact Lee Battersby, Coordinator Cultural Development and Arts, on 08 9528 0386 or email lee.battersby@rockingham.wa.gov.au.

Date: 16 February 2013
Location: Gary Holland Community Centre
Time: 1pm – 3pm

Through Splintered Walls by Kaaron Warren (Book 6 in the Twelve Planets series) is available as a paperbook and ebook.

I’ve had diagnosed Crohn’s Disease for 14 years. I’m very lucky to have a mild form. Chronic diseases aren’t fun. You get good days and bad days, good patches and bad patches. Stress exacerbates. No surprises then that in the lead up to my wedding, I got a flare up. I actually had close to one of the worst flare ups I’ve had, and probably the worst since the first few years. I was my sickest on the day of my hens. And I had some not that great days in Paris.

After 14 years, and having been through periods of really really debilitating sickness, I’m blessed with the learned knowledge that this too shall pass. I know there will be better days. I can bear the fact that I haven’t been able to tolerate even a sip of alcohol in about 5 months. I’ve not had an espresso coffee in a month, and only a couple of instants in that time. And last week, I finally admitted that I have to go back to being gluten free. I can cope with all this because I know it’s not forever. And because I feel 1000 times better when I don’t eat/drink these things. I almost feel disease free – so much so that a few times I’ve been caught out thinking it was all better and having a coffee only to discover that no, no it’s not better it was just being managed.

For the last two months I’ve felt sick almost 24 hours a day – there’s the indigestion, nausea, stomach cramps – both the sudden sharp and the dull constant – muscle cramps, random rashes, there’s the TMI stuff, the sudden lack of appetite, the mouth ulcers and what sometimes trumps all of these for worst – the ravenous hunger. The kind that is this hollow desperate feeling in the pit of your stomach that if it doesn’t get filled, turns to intense, flooring nausea.

But today I realised that the black abyss has set in, has been creeping in for a while. I mentioned it to C and he told me he’d noticed. It’s a pretty standard thing – if your body isn’t absorbing vitamins and minerals, and in particular B12 – then you become susceptible to depression. That’s not even taking into account the drain of feeling sick all the time, or having to compromise lifestyle or diet. But I realised today that this is the reason I can’t seem to make myself *do anything* and that I lack focus and drive and direction. It’s very frustrating.

But screw all that, you know? I mean, what choice do I have?

So I took the best measures I could – I ate salads and drank juices and I guess I’m going to have to be vigilant on that front for a while. At least I know why I’m in struggletown. It feels like knowing why is the first step to conquering it. Cause I have too much to do this year to put up with this shit.

A slight break in transmissions here as I went home from work sick on Thursday and haven’t really been all that focussed since. My Crohn’s always gets upset by lack of sleep (and air travel) and the worse my lack of sleep this week got, the worse my Crohn’s felt. I felt pretty unwell sitting at my desk Thursday morning and after two hours I stood up and popped my head over my cubicle wall (my boss sits on the other side now) and asked if I could go home and she said, “you look shit. And stay home tomorrow if you still feel sick.” Which at least confirmed it – I always second guess myself, “am I really sick?’ kinda thing. Still, I headed home (and luckily made the bus connection at my train station, otherwise is a more than 30 min wait for the next one out of peak hour, not awesome when you just want to go home to bed.)

So I’ve been floating around at home, not really focussed enough to be overly productive but still not properly on a good bodyclock. At least I’ve been able to sleep in when finally asleep so that’s meant catching up on sleep. Some symptoms still prevail – some are socially acceptable (if you don’t know that I *feel* sick, it doesn’t impact on you) and the socially unacceptable ones have quietened down. Still nothing radical for me like coffee or alcohol. I tried indian food tonight and that was not a good plan.

I’ve been catching up on recorded TV, finished The Closer – many thoughts on that, maybe a review – and knitting. Meh. I keep wanting to start posting about our wedding and trip away but it almost feels like putting it into words might take away the magic of it.

Today we made it up to my post box where I found two parcels that shall challenge me on my stash reduction goals for the year – 4 mini charm packs and 1 skein of yarn (Sweet Georgia Yarn, tough love sock yarn in Honey Fig – been coveting that colourway for years). I shall have to get started on using them as per the charter. Otherwise …

Well yesterday I discussed all my dates and so on with my Boss and today I informed HR about my proposed end dates. And filled in all my enrolment paperwork. So … it’s happening. I am actually quitting my day job to work full time this year, come April, on all things publishing.

If I don’t think too hard about it, it’s not too scary. I got an interview for the job I was applying for 5 minutes before I went on leave to get married but I withdrew from the process this morning. It feels really weird – naked and scary – to be out here on the ledge without a back up plan. But at the same time, back up plans kinda give you permission to fail. No back up plan means you have to succeed. You have to scramble and hustle and figure it out cause there’s no going backwards on it. No safety net. And oddly, I’m finding that empowering. I think because it’s the first time I’m betting on myself. I don’t actually do that very often. I’ve always taken the safe road before. Time will tell what’s after the bend in this road but I’m energised and pumped to find out. But I’m so sad to be leaving awesome work people. Again.

I was starting to think that whole jetlag thing from Canada was an aberration. I felt fine after flying home last week with almost no sleep. Thursday I stayed up pretty late and pottered around unpacking and catching up on recorded TV. And Friday was the same. I even *baked*.

On Saturday we had invited round both our families to join us for brunch and the opening of all our presents. We were very strict about not opening any before this, and having the bridal registry delivery booked for then, so as to have something still wedding related to cling to after all the rest of the activities were done, and the honeymoon was over. I’m really glad we did it that way too because it was an excellent reason to have everybody over and catch up again after all the family related stuff we’d done at the end of December.

We hosted brunch (hence the baking) and the event lasted far longer than we’d intended due to the delivery truck not arriving in the am as promised but rather 2pm. Nonetheless there was enough excitement before then and non registry gifts and catching up and babies to coo over and very very tired dogs to laugh at (the puppy has tried to sleep non stop since we picked him up on Thursday afternoon. He had one helluva holiday).

Present opening was overwhelming and humbling and embarrassing. We are very loved and people know us very well. And now I am very excited to go all nesting with our place to fuss about and cull and replace and set up my married home. (I’m sure that feeling will pass.) I got ridiculously excited over glass jars which I had added to the list at the last moment and which doing so forced Kathryn to have to *sit down*. I didn’t really expect to get *all* of them! And now I am having a glorious time clearing out our pantry (which OMG when was the last time I did that?) and putting everything in glass jar storage. I’m hoping that the rodent proofing elements of this will offset the “but what about the Best of and Use by dates” issues). I’ll admit that I kinda want the pantry to look like this though I suspect, in reality, noone’s stays looking like that for long.

I’ll also report that I no longer have tea storage issues *grin*

Sunday was gloriously mellow before we were thrust back into the harsh glaring daylight of reality and our Normal Lives.

And then, the jetlag kicked in. Maybe as a combination of the whole having to sit at a desk and concentrate for long periods of time again, that’s always pretty draining before you get back used to it. But now I am alternating between days of feeling like I could fall asleep at any moment and nights where I am wide awake and cannot get to sleep at all. And what is with this weather Perth? So as much as I thought I would be back into the swing of things by now, and even booked a bunch of appointments thinking I would be (what.the.hell?), I very much am not. I’m dragging myself through the day bleary eyed and getting through the bare minimum when I get home at night. Here’s hoping I kick the lag sooner rather than later.

It’s always easy to be on the wagon the first couple of weeks of January. And especially so when you’re still on holidays.

But for the record:

Tonight I cooked dinner. And it was delicious. I’m back on the 12WBT and I made the eggplant and sweet potato bake. And it was divine. Definitely a recipe to keep on hand to sub in for ones we don’t like. And best, it serves 4 so we have a meal for tomorrow.

I watered my garden, aka 6 fruit trees. My father-in-law watered them whilst we were away and even discovered the three I’d planted at the very back of our backyard (note, you can see from the back door to the back fence even though the lot is hu-uge, on account of the barren wasteland in between these two points). He told me he drenched these when he was there and that he thought 2 of the three could be saved. But today when I headed out and watered them, I saw budding green leaves way at the bottom of the dead sticks. I think maybe, just maybe, this watering thing could be something. And my potted dwarf fruit trees on the patio also look so much healthier than when I left them too, despite the heatwave. Ahem.

I worked on cleaning and decluttering and tidying too and for the first time ever after a trip, my bag is unpacked and my clothes washed and put away, a day after arriving home. I’ve also tried something new, instead of letting new gifts “settle in” (the time you allow possessions to just become at one with your house whilst remaining packed in their packaging and in fact just sort of metres from the front door where you first left them when you brought them in), I’ve unpacked and washed what needed washing and started using things. I’m trying this out because I’m terrified of becoming a hoarder and also because when you leaves things for “special” or for “the right time/use”, you just end up never using them at all. And if they are remotely perishable, like candles or body lotion or tea, you end up throwing them out without ever having enjoyed them at all. I guess I’m exploring the enjoy things early even if that means you’ll have used them later.

I started airing my yarn stash. This involves pulling it all out and looking at it. I’m entering all my stash into Ravelry, at the moment without photos to speed up the process and just have something that’s workable. (I’m girliejones over there). As I work through things, I’ll tag them slightly better, etc. I’m a bit scared about the total tally – that it will be ridiculously huge. And at the same time, I’ve just been looking at my more precious skeins, with the idea of looking to keep for items for myself because I LOVE and must HAVE that yarn vs using it to make for gifts for someone else i think would appreciate the colourway more, and also with the intention to reduce the amount of stash overall (so looking for projects as well, rather than just having it there “in case the whimsy takes hold”) and there is a little bit of anxiety about it – not actually wanting to give up the pile of skeins, liking and wanting the pile of skeins in and of itself. Which is not *so* terrible if the idea is that I am a yarn collector rather than knitter. But how big should a collection really be, if that’s the case? And I’m not sure that’s the case with me (though … ooh “collector” is such a dangerous word in this house … must put down the obsession, and walk away). I’m trying to console myself with the idea that when I use up all the yarn, I *can* buy more. There’s no rule that says no purchasing of future yarn in the future. But still. Pile of yarn. So yummy.

I’ve also started trying to rationalise and make better use of online (and social media) tools. I think the name of the game will be to streamline internet use both to reduce the time spent whilst also maximising exposure to quality content that genuinely interests me. So that’s meant culling subscriptions to feeds on Google Reader and being hones about what blogs and sites I genuinely want to read. And getting back into using Ravelry properly, as mentioned above. I’ve also been using and tidying up my Bookmarks (for some reason I stopped using Bookmarks in like 1998 and then never occurred to me to use them as a way of refinding things on the net. Don’t ask!) I also tidied up my Pinterest account – I got one ages ago as a way of brainstorming for my wedding palate so I never really mentioned it. But now that’s done (and really, was there a reason the colours and themes of my wedding needed to be a secret? I was always torn on that one), Pinterest can be for fun! And also, there’s my wedding board still there if it interests anyone. You’ll not be shocked to find out I am girliejones there either.

Determined to get back to this blog every day thing (remember when I used to post like 9 times a day? Who was that person?), if I have nothing to say, I’m going to work on Resolution #1 – Focus on the positive. So here goes.

I thought I would have lost weight over the trip – I had a Crohns flare up for about 3 weeks and whilst that’s not the way one wants to lose weight, I thought that that with all the walking we did, maybe just maybe I’d finally break through my barrier. Weigh in says no. Which was sad at first. Funny how we always think we burn way more calories walking than we remotely do. And I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I could whilst away – French food might not be up there on the vegetarian stakes, and it might be very rich, which is not great when Crohnsing, but I love love love the patisseries and the chocolates and the hot chocolate which I drank instead of coffee and the crepes. Sigh. Oh the crepes. So … yes, considering all these things. I did not put weight on whilst gorging in Paris. And I am calling that a win!

While we were away, my Father-in-law (am using it til it stops sounding weird, ok?) popped in to our place when he was in the area to look in on things. In other galaxy and another time, I would have absolutely hated this. But this is not that time or place. He managed to be at our place just as our fridge tripped the fuse and so he was able to save the contents (not much as we had cleaned out before leaving) and put it on an extension cord to another power point. He also totally saved one of my fruit trees in the back, which I’d given up for dead, by soaking it with water when he was there. AND he chatted to our next door neighbour whom I’m ashamed to say I’ve never met, in two years, as I’m shy and not the popping in to introduce myself sort, such that she came over to say congrats to us as we arrived home last night AND offered us a dip in her pool if it gets too hot AND this morning when I put the bin out, I totally wished her good morning. I’m so glad for the icebreaking as it’s a bit scary being all by yourself in a suburb if something happens.(And she’s really nice, as it turns out).

I was worried that we would have this total anticlimactic let down on getting home from our holidays. I’d deliberately tried to head that off by inviting parents and siblings over for brunch tomorrow as the presents get delivered from the bridal registry. So I’m looking forward to that. But I’d forgotten we had our Christmas presents loot stashed at C’s parents while we were gone and we went passed there on the way home from the airport yesterday. So I got to remember how lovely they were – I got Haighs chocolates and tea, lots of tea, and some glass jars which I totally wanted (the other Alisa has homemade nougat and little macaroons on her countertops in them). And one last present we got to unwrap which was … a TEA BOX!

We arrived home this afternoon from our gorgeous honeymoon. We were so sad to leave Paris and it seems so odd to have just been there, scoffing croissants and sipping hot chocolate yesterday, and today, it’s back to real life. We still have a few bits of our wedding to hang on to for the next couple of days but come Monday, it’s back to the grind.

We had a bit of a horror final flight home. But flying from Paris to Singapore, I watched three fantastic movies and finished off Season 6 of The Closer. The movies I thoroughly enjoyed:

The Perks of Being a Wallflower – 5 stars! – intensely heartbreaking indie film about, and yet celebrating, the pain that is high school, and being different. Loved it. (And yes, those who heard C’s wedding vows, I cried)

Pitch Perfect – 4 stars! – OMG. Accawesome! This film is funny and brilliant and reminded me that I need to watch more dance, singing and 80s movies this year. I LOVE Rebel Wilson. She is choosing some really brilliant roles for herself. She does tend to play the same role, but I love it. In Pitch Perfect, she was funny without her being fat being the joke. And she’s just outstandingly confident and self assured and brilliant. And sometimes her confidence is situationally over the top but not always. LOVE her. (Also, oddly quite loving Anna Kendrick even when I didn’t really love her in Step Up 4).

Paris Manhattan – 3.5 stars – French film debut by Sophie Lellouche – Alice is obsessed with Woody Allen. Her Parisian Jewish family are odd, or perhaps not really. She is 30 and single and not wanting to be. But she’s complex and difficult. Set in the 4th Quarter of Paris, I loved the backdrop for its familiarity. And it had a happy ending.

What I noticed though, including with The Closer, is lately I have been choosing and enjoying TV and Film with female characters as leads, who are interesting and complex and are romantically with men who genuinely love them for who they are and are interested in what it is that they are doing, actively support and encourage it. That’s kind of a really nice trend.

I have many blog posts to make and I’m sure they will tumble out over the next week or so. I’ve only got a couple of days left in Paris and my thoughts have been turning to the serious business of 2013. There is much to do. There is much I would like to do. And there is much I learned from 2012 that I would like to implement in 2013. The most important of which is happiness. 2012 was one of the best years of my life. So much good happened to me in it and I want to clutch onto every last strand of it and bring it with me.

So here are my resolutions and/or goals for 2013. And how I think I am going to ensure I achieve them.

1. The most important one: learn to focus on the positive and not the negative.

Something that was really highlighted for me in 2012 was that I will always mull over the negative – the one bad review against 23 good ones and an award win, the two people who don’t like me, the three people who can’t make an event etc etc. And there were some really really ridiculous moments last year that worked to slap me awake to my thought processes. One of those was the overwhelming attendance at the TPP Hour at Natcon. I remember standing on a chair about to speak and looking round the room and seeing so many familiar and smiling faces. I had a very similar moment when I was standing in front of everyone at our wedding ceremony, I was terrified in the moment and then looked up and around, to so many familiar and smiling faces.

This year, I want to consciously focus on the positive of situations, friends and events. I want to spend the year reprogramming the way I default react to things. I’m going to let the evidence speak for itself and I’m going to learn to stop nitpicking successes into failures.

2. Lose 5 to 8 kg.

This one is here and written this way because it’s part of something from last year. I could rewrite it as “become fit” or “become healthy” or whatever and elsewhere, these goals are broken down and itemised that way. But when I come back at the end of the year, how do you tick that off? Last year I lost 14kg. I did that. And I did it through the Michelle Bridges 12 Week Body Transformation program. I’m signed up for it again and will probably (finances allowing) do it for the whole of 2013 as well. In this program I am learning so much about menu planning, balanced eating, healthy eating, exercising (though this one I did not do that great), goal setting, consistency and a little bit of cooking. In the coming year, I want to learn how to carry on a healthy lifestyle beyond the program so that in 2014, I can do it on my own.

According to the BMI chart, I actually need to lose something like 14kg again to be in the “healthy weight” bracket. I dunno about that so I’m setting myself a more conservative number and then I’m going to reassess. In any case, I want to aim for a goal weight and then maintain it in 2013 and beyond.

3. Develop daily routines (for morning and for night)

I’m unbelievably crap at doing something daily (see points made above). I’m crap at taking medication every day, or following a skin care routine or exercising or whatever. (and yet, by the way, I am excellent at falling into bad for you daily routines, like the 4 years I ate a huge bowl of cookies and cream icecream plus milo right before bed, or the caffeine habit I just kicked, again). But apparently, being “successful” involves being consistent and having routines and training yourself to expect things. Importantly, for example, to beat insomnia, a shut down ritual in the lead up to bed is recommended – like you do with kids – and doesn’t include tv or the laptop etc. And “apparently” you can find more inner peace and balance if you don’t wake up and immediately check email, twitter and chug down your first coffee. I dunno. I kinda like doing all those things but I’m also coming over a pretty full on and stressful five years stint and I’m thinking a bit more zen, chamomile tea, yoga and contemplation does kinda sounds … well … nice. Plus, stress stifles creativity. So.

I’m yet to actually map out what these routines will be or involve and also how I will get into the habit but hey … 51 weeks of the year still left, I’ll get there.

4. Commence PhD

This one is its own one cause it involves resigning, which is going to be sad and a bit upsetting, even though my boss knows it’s coming etc. It also flows into number 5 and if I was a better list writer, I bet I could have collated these to optimise …. blah blah blah

5. Be regimented / in a routine in studying from home

Did I mention that I get to do my PhD from home yet? I spent a lot of 2012 thinking that all I wanted to do was just stay at home and work on TPP and now I get to do that. But. Here are the two buts:

1. TPP has never been a regimented, time blocked activity. I mastered the art of that story – you know the one about filling the jar with rocks and then gravel and then sand and then water – I filled in every and any free moment with TPP, if I had a moment, I’d be doing something for TPP in it. That’s a really really really hard habit to break. I told myself NO TPP on my honeymoon and well, I *mostly* managed that? But you see the problem. It’s going to be really hard to sit down and start and then end at the end of the day. I can already find myself saying, yes well but 7.5 hours a day? That’s not really enough time to get it all done. I want to make sure that I fill the time that I will find myself having with all the things that I gave up over the last few years – some of my hobbies got neglected, hanging out with my friends, going to the movies, seeing my family etc etc.

2. This is not my first ride round the carousel. I already was accepted into a postgrad program and lived that dream. I already know how hard it is, how much work there is and how much it crushes your soul. And I know how to not finish. Been there and done that one. I also know that the very successful students in the other program I was in were so because they treated it like a day job. They showed up at nine, worked til their half hour lunch break, and then worked again til five. When they went home. And they did this every single day. They were not distracted by Buffy or tim tam morning teas or crushes or fanfic or lj etc. Thus, this resolution.

And when this one kicks in, I’m going to be adding exercising to my morning routine, as in the whole eat the frog first thing (do the worst thing on your to do list for the day first and it’s all uphill from there).

6. Get back into running

This one should be taken care of/executing numbers 2, 3 and 5 above.

7. Publish at least most of the remaining Twelve Planets volumes.

I really had aimed to wrap this up in 2013. And I am still working on that happening – if I can Make It So, I will! But life gets in the way and some things can’t be helped. And personally, I prefer a great book over meeting a deadline. But Asymmetry will be out very soon and volume 9 is not far off after that.

8. Publish two novels and an anthology.

What it says on the label. More on than anthology soon.

9. Apply for every arts grant I am eligible for.

This one is such a bane in my side but this year, I am determined! It’s been a very long (two years so far) process to sort out paperwork, and company structures and we still have to get audited etc, so lots still to do. But, what it says.

10. Through Splintered Walls art project.

This one has been in the works ever since we discovered the printing error. Kaaron, Narrelle and I were standing in the dealers room at Natcon pouring over the books, the covers looked so gorgeous and there was this heartbreaking error that we couldn’t fix or take back or in any way save that print run. I had confirmed it was not an error on our part so I knew the printer would fix it (and then did, within 3 days) and we did our best to retrieve every copy we could for replacement. But as we stood there looking at these books, as an environmentalist, I just couldn’t bring myself to pulp them; for all that paper to have been wasted. And Narrelle said – turn it into an art project! And there we were, the three of us in 0 to 3 secs, taken from heartbroken, crushed and depressed to excited, inspired and buzzing! We worked on the idea, bounced ideas off each other and eventually approached Lee at the City of Rockingham, which is where I live and which has a pretty cool culture and arts program (and coordinator!), and he also had some cool ideas. And the first workshop to learn paper arts kicks off in February. The project is away! And I can’t wait to see what it produces.

11. Grow TPP by 20%.

This is pretty much the annual goal for TPP. But as I’m writing this, I’ve realised that not only is that a sales goal, I think it might also be a great wider goal. Over the last few years, TPP has grown in people working behind the scenes as well as in the writers and artists we work with and the projects we take on. I think I’m going to look at this one as more inclusive than just sales. I quite like that!

12. Win Last Short Story 2013.

Okay so now I might just have let my fellow competitors know my intents. But there they are!

13. Read 20 books for fun.

Yeah. Take that! Apparently I am to have more time this year! Woot!

And I’m gonna throw in here signing up for the AWW 2013 challenge but I’ll figure out those details later.

14. Blog every day.

Yes. Apparently it’s a thing. I think I’ll also include in this – do social media better. And something about the podcasts. (You know I’m never gonna come back and refine this one, right? See this is how it happens, or doesn’t …)

15. Tidy/settle into the house

It’s a work in progress but I’d like to find it mostly liveable and comfy by the end of the year. It’s going to involve culling books and craft projects left by the wayside and clothes I no longer wear and all that crap I pack and schlepp from house to house when I move.

16. Start greening the backyard.

It’s basically a barren wasteland of weeds. Sometimes you can see the puppy sitting and observing it as though he is waiting for the tumbleweed to roll on by. I took my dad’s advice last year and started small, on something that I could enjoy and maintain aka the small patio out the back door. I’ve managed to mostly keep alive my mini lemon, lime and apple trees though I fear they might not have survived the heat wave we missed over Christmas and still ongoing. Other than that, I don’t even think I managed to clear and tidy the 2 m by 2 m patio we have there. The whole thing needs reticulation which a) is expensive and b) not environmentally friendly. And so I am back at this standoff. I’d like to think that if I was going to be home all day every day, I might remember to hand water a plant or two. And I’d really really like to start a veggie patch. Plus plants/gardens around the home lower the temperature of your house …

17. Cook more.

(or at all)

18. Reduce my yarn stash.

This one I have already made instantly harder. I might have had a weak moment and sympathy for a soon to be crash strapped future me. And I fell and signed up for 1, just 1, sock club for 2013.

I’m sure I can work this out. For the last week, I’ve been wracking my brains trying to figure out a complex rule for how I can make this one work. I’ll get there. Just give me a couple more days.

18i Create my own sock club of the month

This one is stolen from the Yarn Harlot who did this one year – she went into her stash of yarn and patterns and made up kits and threw them in a cupboard and took one out each month to complete. I want to do that. I need to take stock of the stash and then be honest about what I like and what I think someone else might like should a knitted item in that colourway be gifted to them. And then … get started. Direction. That’s all I need. And a plan.

18ii Knit a jumper

I loved the one I finished for myself last year. My very first adult sized garment. I got over the expense of the whole 8 skeins or whatever in the same colour and thoroughly enjoyed the working on a big project. So I want to do another one. And I also have my eye on something like the beige cardigan/wrap that Brenda wears on The Closer (with the cables?)

However. I have a shiny new husband. And that means … no more boyfriend curse!!! I can knit C a jumper!!! A manly one. I’m going to look into that.

18iii Challenge myself, knittingwise

This comes back to the knitting before you die book I bought last year that kind of pointed out to me, I’d fallen into a knitting rut. And also, if I’ve never tried a bunch of things, I can’t really consider my skill levels to be advanced. I’ve been consciously challenging myself since and I’ve been thoroughly enjoying it. I’ve just knit two things that were new or used new yarns on my holiday and I realised, when I thought about it, that all the yarn I’d bought in the second half of 2012 was for a specific project AND got used. Which had me thinking and creating number 18 on this list because I think maybe, my stash is holding me back (plus serious lack of time) … it’s a thought in progress. More on that, end of 2013.

19. Reduce my fabric stash.

For this one, I have started a couple of new projects that I think might use some of my stash for. I’m also going to do inventory of my works in progress and maybe work on starting some of the projects I stashed away. There is so much that is exciting and interesting in that cupboard, if I braved opening it, and made some kind of spreadsheet or something. Also if I had more time. And that one I think I have (can you tell I recently worked out why I thought I’d lost all my crafting mojo? and got excited to find out I really just had almost no free downtime!)

20. Learn to use a sewing machine.

I have a very old Singer that was gifted to me. And I think it works – it was serviced etc. And if I could use a sewing machine, then I could not have to quilt my quilts by hand. I don’t think I really enjoy hand quilting and I think it gets in the way of finishing projects. I’d like to have a bunch of finished quilts at the end of the year and not just a bunch of finished quilt tops. I’m thinking of dragging my mum along to a course, we’ve talked about it before and I think this is the year we should do this.

21. Reduce To Be Read Pile.

Stashes. They are no good for you. This is one of the lessons of 2012 I have learned. And I am still trying to coax myself to not be such a squirrel with the storing of nuts for the winter. They just stare at you and make you feel bad!

This can be done in any way I like – culling, skim reading, returning to lender, sending straight to deep shelving cause I’m not really gonna read it, or reading it. Might be for fun and fulfill number 13. Might be for the PhD. We shall see.

22. Spend more time with those I love.

I want to entertain more. I want to visit people more. I want to be more present.

23. Get properly in the GTD program.

C says it can take 3 to 6 months to be properly with the program. I kinda didn’t get fully set up in 2012 cause … life … But GTD saved me in the second half of the year. My wedding planning would have been far more stressful without it and no way I could have still worked full time, done TPP and a bunch of other commitments without a meldown. (There was no meltdown). So I’m going to get back to finishing reading this book and implementing because, it’s awesome. By end of 2013, I want to live a zero inbox both electronically and paperwork and in my house.

I am going to sneak this book review in before the end of the year!

If, over the holiday period, you find yourself hankering for something new and different to read, something you’ve not come across before, something challenging and uncomfortable, bizarre yet sublime, I suggest you head over to Cheeky Frawg and check out Jagannath by Swedish writer Karin Tidbeck.

Easily one of the stand out collections for 2012, Jagannath is unlike anything else I have encountered in the field. Tidbeck’s voice and perspective are fresh and new and her style walks well into the weird side.

Here is the part of a review where I should tell you which are the strong stories in the collection; which are those I most enjoyed. But I didn’t read this book that way – I  read it in essentially two sittings, two very surreal train rides book-ending my work day. This alone is extraordinary for me, to inhale a book that way. But Tidbeck is intoxicating. You don’t necessarily understand everything she is doing or can predict where she is going but that is absolutely the fun. She is a completely unique voice. And this book deserves to be read as one whole, far far greater than the sum of the individual stories with in which feel like different shades of something greater.

Do yourself a favour and grab a copy – eBook available at Wizard Towers Books or the hard copy which I read via Amazon.

Teachers are amazing people. As news has slowly trickled out of Connecticut this weekend I’ve been focusing on the brave acts of those teachers – the love, the protection, the good in the face of as yet inexplicable evil. I’m not sure any explanation would make us understand what happened in those classrooms. And I don’t know if this heinous terrifying thing will change much in the US in relation to gun control. But when you focus on what the average person is most likely to do in a situation like that – hide children in cupboards and stand in the way of the bullets, it changes the way you see the world -not as a minefield of evil and terror at every turn but filled with people who are brave, and courageous and compassionate and kind.

Rather than focus on all that is wrong and maybe all that cannot be changed, why not ask the question – why not? Or even how about? or what if? It’s amazing what can happen when you decide not to accept the status quo if you don’t like it.

Here is an absolutely inspiring video of a teacher in the South Bronx who didn’t accept that things cannot be better:

Which brings me to my own very inspiring situation with a teacher who asked why not? Why not be happy? Why not try? Why not find a way to make it happen? Why not strive for something beyond your grasp? Why not think outside the box?

I was wandering around to do looking at a new printer and binder company. I got taken on a tour of all their machines which were in use and I got to see books of all shapes and sizes being made. And I thought “I love my life” – that it involves a random tour of a binding machine. Because I really love publishing, every stage in the process of making a book, I love it.

And so. I can’t believe that next year I will be doing it full time. For a couple of months Helen has been saying to me – you should really think about doing a phd. And you know, I laughed at the crazy lady. I failed to complete such an endeavour once before, could I really be trusted down this path again? Course that time I did not have a scholarship and I had to work at the same time. Helen argued that this time would be different because I would do it in something that I love and that I already know stuff about. Again I kinda brushed it off. But things have been looking grim on the day job front for a while. I don’t much talk about that here and I won’t go into it now but it’s no secret that government agencies are having their budgets cut. And I’ve been on short term contracts for a while. For about the last year, I’ve thought time and again that all I really want to do is stay at home and work on my press. And then … Helen came back with a seriously off the wall idea and really, that’s how we like it at TPP. She had a pitch for a kind of phd that there was no way I could look past. And as I’ve started to explain it to those around me, yeah, there’s no way this is not the perfect thing for me.

If you don’t follow your dream, who do you have but yourself to blame for your unhappiness?

So later this week, before I walk down the aisle, I’m going to make a different but no less major life changing decision and I’m going to formally accept my phd scholarships offer and I’m going to go back to university to do a phd in publishing.

Seriously.

And it turns out? In the humanities? You get to work from home. Seriously. I had to lie down for that one. You better check in on me dear reader and make sure I a) leave the house regularly b) don’t get distracted on craft projects and/or c) don’t work all the time on it. Because as my husband-to-be has only just realised today, I’m going to be full time on TPP now. (well some time in the new year)

We’ve taken this week off work to do all the final errands and make all the final preparations. There’s still so much to do. But what a difference it makes having cleared the decks of all other commitments to focus on it! Yesterday I got a lot of wedding tasks done (I still have my vows and speech to write and music to select) and I also managed to knit half a mitten and start a quilt project. I forgot how much time there is on a Sunday when I’m not working.

Which is not to say that we have dropped all other commitments. There are a bunch of tradespeople coming today – the security screen man is already here and well into his second project at our house. Finally a doggie door! And then I am off to see a man about a new printer – I’m supposed to be on leave from Twelfth Planet Press as of 17 days ago but I’m still working through the end of a few projects. I intend to send two books to Amanda … I guess tonight? The closer I get to Thursday, the less non wedding things I will have time to do. But today, I am off to see a new printer. He came across me as a result of my speaking at the Jewish Women’s function in August and would like to see if we might like to use him instead of our regular printer. I’m going to go and have a look and see about that today.

And maybe catch up with some friends for lunch. And then do a bunch of wedding errands including a shoe fitting and whatever.

Saturday night Kathryn threw my Hen’s Party. It was a lot of fun. Although I had a drama an hour before leaving my place to go pick her up with a sudden and violent attack of Crohn’s. I was no t sure I would be able to leave the bathroom let alone the house. I had this horrible image of everyone else rocking up to my party and me lying at home in bed feeling terrible. Luckily it passed, though I packed sick bags in my handbag just in case. I’m not sure if it was the uber strong coffee I had that day or a sudden attack of nerves (I’m a bit worried about the actual day, if that’s the case). But if it was nerves, being surrounded by my closest friends totally did the trick and I soon forgot how bad I’d felt.

We had booked a walking bar tour of the CBD. A friend of mine took a friend of hers when she visited on this tour a year or more ago and it sounded like heaps of fun. I don’t tend to hang out much in the city anymore after 6pm and I have no idea where all the cool places are. And new eat and drink places are opening up every other week it seems. And they look really really suave. we were taken to three bars and pointed out other places on the way (he detoured down to the new BHP complex, if you’re a Perth person, to just show us what’s opened up there – there’s several months of Saturday nights to spent checking those out for starters! We will be back!!) – each stop had food or a drink supplied and then you bought others as you needed. Our first stop was Canton – and oh my how much out of Firefly is that little bar?!!! And then we ended up in Wolf Lane – which has expanded since I used to hang there.

I’m a bit sad that I could only drink soda and lime and the one mocktail. I would have been silly and dancing up a storm til late if this were 15 years ago and I weren’t sick. There were penis straws and a bride to be sash in hot pink with flashing lights. But best of all there were a bunch of close friends who have been there with me on all the heartbreaks and career decisions and life decisions of importance. And having them with me to go out and relax and hang out a week before “that thing on Sunday” as we are calling it, was the best night ever. And I’m not as nervous now!

So I think I remember that project – I wanted to do another charm quilt with a block a month made from the mini charm squares. The rules being, use the fabric that arrives in the month before being allowed to purchase the next month’s, try new blocks and be cool about the charm quilt look of the product. And actually break into my Kona plains C bought me last year. Problem is, that the packs I bought, whilst I like each of them, don’t go with each other and I’m not sure I honestly like charm quilt looks – so itty and bitty and hard to focus the eye.

I’ve been thinking about what else I could do with these cause I still like the idea of an ongoing project for the year – I really enjoyed the sewing circles I was in two years ago now. Not big projects. something that you can finish in a couple of nights but that makes you feel like you achieved something, even if it’s small, each month. I’ve been looking at smaller projects – bags and cases and placemats and so on. Even thinking about gifting things I make. Thing is, I kinda think that stuff looks twee (except in those modern book photo shoots with lots of lime green and chocolate) and also … whilst I might not love the fabrics as my absolutely favourites, I dunno that i want to give away these projects. Which is a bit hoarder of me. And I don’t feel that way about knitted projects, which is weird. And how many quilted items does anyone person really need in life? Is it like 6?

Maybe I don’t need to know the answer to any of these questions right now. Maybe the final product will emerge on its own? I do really like the idea of a project for 2013. I possibly have a knitting one as well. And … the exciting thing, which I can almost not quite conceive of, is that I might actually get my downtime/free time/ out of hours time back next year for … socialising without guilt or stress and hobbies other than publishing. I can barely conceive of this. I keep giving myself strict talks about it. But yes, I will need to learn how to spend my weekends not working, again, after 5 years.

Yes, well. I think we’ve all learned something interesting here about me – I’m a nevous crafter. Ok? Can we move on already? I don’t know why you keep bringing it up! Whatev!

*cough* it’s like 11 days til we get married.  *mumble* Tonight we had our final meet which was with the photographer and we went through the whole day details etc. Gettin’ real. Tomorrow I have my final fitting for my dress and then I, like, take it home or something.

I’m really looking forward to our work Christmas do – Friday lunch – cause that will be the end of work for me for the year and the beginning of my holidays plus pamper sessions intermingled with errand running of next week. First I have to finish a bunch of work deadlines (may not finish them all) and finish my job application for my job. Which may end up being my back up plan. We shall see. Yesterday I found out I was awarded scholarships for a Phd I might have applied for in a haze of October midair flying to Canada. Seriously. Was bouncing essays and application forms back and forward during the big flight to Toronto whilst Jonathan drank cocktails, watched all the TV shows on his iPad and generally laughed at me. I haven’t made any decisions or what not yet (hello getting married like in 5 minutes) but I’ve kept my boss in the loop and I’ll figure it all out. Any minute now.

Anyway. There are more serious matters at hand than these pesky life choices. Like confessing all my Black Friday purchases. I’m going to document them here as they arrive so you know, and I know that you know. You see, last night, I was watching backlog Foxtel whilst working on this flamingo mitten – Hoarders Buried Alive. Now, I normally LOVE this show cause it makes me feel better about some of my untidiness or behindedness and it also gets me up out of my couch position and throwing out Things I Do Not Need to Keep. It’s good to have that reminder every now and then. But this episode I was watching came far too close to the home. This one had a woman who *deep breath* “collects fabrics” and other craft supplies. And she didn’t have them in huge mountains of trash with dogs wiping their arse on them or anything. Oh no. Hers were very sensibly and sanely organised in plastic bins and colour coded and stacked. Her collecting was not unsanitary or messy, it was just overwhelming because of its volume. And … sure, she had enough craft supplies to open her own decent sized craft store (her description) but … I couldn’t help but feel like a lot of her reasoning and explanation of how she got there was not unlike my own current stashing. Stashing’s all fun and games, it seems, til someone’s house gets taken over by it.

And whilst, she had bigger issues, personally, I worry that my own tendency towards obsession needs to be kept in check. I don’t think I’m that far away from being a hoarder buried alive (other than the ten years or so slippery slope – make sure you do regular house inspections on me, m’kay?). Anyway. It got me thinking. I might have other reasons for needing to rein in the stashing hobby. But … really, it’s all a bit … out of control. I like ordering things online. And I like getting packages in the mail. And that’s all fine. But I’ve noticed recently that a) I’m not really churning out that many finished craft projects lately and b) almost every freaking time you decide to start a new project, you are held up by needing to get some part of the project. Like, no matter what scrap or fat quarter quilt you decide to start, you always end up having to buy background or plain fabrics. The other day I decided to make a mitten pattern (not the one above) and thought surely I had enough yarn stash – but no, I needed to buy half the colours as I didn’t have them. And the cowl pattern I bought with the wool for my honeymoon knitting project, I had to go and get the right knitting needles for it.

So … maybe, you never get to just on a whim decide to start a project and wander down to the stash like it’s a store and pick out all your supplies. And if that’s the case, then what service does the stash supply other than making you feel bad about money spent, and time in advance already booked for projects past you decided future you would do. So I’m kinda toying round with the idea (ooh is this another New Year Resolution coming?) that maybe I should focus on reducing the stashes considerably and then planning projects and buying the supplies and then starting them. And truth be known, I always feel bad about buying supplies for big projects like a jumper so I buy lots of one skeins of things so it doesn’t look as bad. And yet … yeah there is no logic here.

This decision of course comes after the Black Friday craft supply buying frenzy which bought me those gorgeous skeins of sock yarn by Shibui in Orchid. Though, those can be justified as being part of the Knitter’s Bucket List – a yarn that I am yet to venture to try but have always wanted to. And I guess, doesn’t have to be socks. Though wouldn’t putting on a pair of socks in that colourway just make you so happy about the day.

And um. This. I have no excuses for this. I was browsing my fave online fabric store, the Fat Quarter Shop on Black Friday and discovered these Utterly Gorgeous Things – new! – called Mini Charm Packs or, I believe, candy … Anyway. WANT was all that I knew! And well … they’re so little and postage is flat rate and you can’t just buy one. So I thought … hmmm  … what if … what if I concocted a crazy craft project in 2013 (I know! So unlike me!) And what if it was like, buy say 3 packs of these a month and [ok. here is where the rest of this idea about a large, or possible several small, projects went to do with these charm packs] and an incentive that I couldn’t buy the next month’s packs until I had actually sewn that month’s allotment. It was sort of a block a month thing for myself. I think. The thing is, these arrived the other day, and for the life of me I cannot remember what the plan was. I can’t remember if I had a specific quilt pattern/project or if I was going to try something from some scrap quilters’ patterns or what. I have no idea what the idea was. Except. I really really like the incentive of use what comes in before you can buy anymore.

(ok. I’m still kind of having palpitations at the idea of using up and reducing to … none? .. my stash but let’s do this step by step)

So now I have to decide what to do with them. I would like to start this project (so I can order more cute itty bitty squares). Would love to hear any suggestions of charm square patterns. I checked out Oh Franssons’ Tokyo Subway Map but I think my choices won’t be monochromatic to work. I do have a whole heap of gorgeous solids thanks to the huge pack of fat quarters C bought me for Xmas last year which I spose technically according to this rule, I must now use and stop admiring the palette.

The big question is … once I get married next week, will this intense frantic crafting mojo dissipate?

Flickr doesn’t seem to be playing well with my computer this evening but if it were, I would be showing you my latest pair of finished socks and the first half of a new flamingoes mitten project.

Many things I have learned from my knitting this week.

1. I often leave projects 75 % finished

2. This is because I like to start new things and also because once I can visualise the finished work, it’s like I finished. No surprises left.

3. This means that I have a lot of WIPs in the back room that probably only need stitching up or like 3 hours of work to finish up.

4. Technically all this frenzy of finishing things is a release of pent up guilt for the cast-on-itis frenzy of whenever that was several years ago

5. And that I shouldn’t feel bad when I start a bunch of projects because there will be points in my life further down the line when I will be in finishing-things-up-mode and it will all come out in the long term wash

6. Except really, I’m in avoidance mode and it might be that when I want to avoid something really scary or requiring lots of internal energy, I knit. A lot.

7. And now I finally understand that whole baby bootie thing (circa 2005?)

8. All this time I thought I’d lost my knitting mojo and all I was was less unhappy than I was at that time.

9. Except I’ve kinda missed this intensity of knitting. I really kinda like it.

10. I wish I could sustain it in more chilled out periods of my life.

11. I still haven’t written my vows – well, we’ve got the commitment bit sorted now but I have to write my personal preamble.

12. And a tonne of other things are outstanding. I go from one extreme to the other – wedding planning is just a bunch of to dos on a list to Holy Crap I have no idea what I am doing and I am so far behind

13. But I’m trying fair isle for the first time in my life and also knitting my first mitten. And I am going to have a bunch of warm things to wear in Europe in Holy Crap just over two weeks.

First up. Finished pair of socks! These are my standard sock pattern in Lightweight Socks that Rock (Blue Moon Fiber Arts) in the colourway Zest.

And they make me happy. They are like a tequila sunrise or something. I love that they don’t match. I think they look exactly like the end of a great day. I can almost smell the heat slipping out of the air as the sun slides out of the sky.

Two days in a row of finished projects. I could get used to this! I picked up the closest work in progress when I finished my cardigan, something that wouldn’t require much thought to pick up and work on. It turned out these only needed the toe on the second sock which took not even half an hour to do. I think the stumbling was I’d lost one of the needles and I had to go find one. Sigh. So easy to put something down and find a stumbling block to prevent you just finishing it!

I’m intending to do an “airing of the stash” a la Cast On which I’m hoping will both catalogue all my works in progress into a nice neat spreadsheet of to dos for next year but also find a bunch of projects that I might get excited about. I’m thinking of being a bit more stern with my stash management. I’m thinking of *gasp* culling some of the stash I may not like or prioritising gifting finished pieces to those who might appreciate the colourway etc. I thought it might be fun to set those up in kits going into 2013 and then having them as things to work through over the year. *If* that doesn’t make “fun” into “work”.

The thing I’m starting to realise is, I tend to knit socks a lot because they use 1 skein of yarn and they justify the accumulation of random skeins of yarn that I love. And that’s what my stash is – a huge pile of single skeins of yarn. That you can only then make what? Socks, mittens, scarves or hats in. And jumpers etc are scary cause you have to invest more money in the yarn (and that makes it harder to justify changing your mind or going off a project idea …) But the stash itself has guilt attached – I feel like I can’t really buy more yarn that I like cause I have so much I have accumulated and done nothing with … I’m still wrestling with this guilt.

Let’s not even extend it to see how it works with the book stash. Or the fabric one. Or …

Today’s tea: T2 Strawberry Bliss Chai 1 star out of 5. (I *want* to like this tea so much more than I do. I think I just do not like chai. Or perhaps just cloves)

Today’s craft project: Blackberry Socks

Planning a wedding has fully done my head in, and not necessarily in the ways I expected it to. There are so many decisions involved in the process and by and large, most of them I don’t care about so I ‘ve seemed more decisive or less “caring” than most brides. I took five minutes or less to decide on my veil for example (I took about 9 months to decide I’d have a veil at all, in comparison). In my determination not to be referred to as a bridezilla (a state of being I now better understand than I ever thought I would and now realise it to be an utterly sexist way of diminishing a bride when all else fails) we decided early on what would be the things we would go to battle on and be prepared to die on the field about and then anything else just didn’t matter.

We’ve been focussed on the end result – that we get married – and seen the rest as icing on the cake. So I haven’t lost my shit over things like:

•  pregnant bridesmaids and having to fit the dress to them rather than the dress to my dream vision;
• changing my bouquets at the last minute because my original flower colour clashed with the colour of the dress I ended up with due to it being the closest colour I could get to what I wanted and available in the three style choices I could choose from for the bridesmaid dresses see previous;
• compromise on my table centrepiece flowers cause orchids don’t come in the colour I originally wanted for the look I finally chose;
• blah blah a bunch of other things got changed from original thoughts cause they didn’t work in execution, they didn’t fit with the timing or suit everyone else involved, they ended up not working with the final look

On the one hand, I wonder if later on I will care more and have got into it all more but that’s Future Me and Present Me thinks this stuff is not worth dying over. And I’m also realistic about large scale projects. They always have compromise and they never deliver what the initial concept phase was anyhow. And we’ll get married (as long as we do actually finish writing the damn vows). And on the other hand, I’m happy with each choice I’ve made, in the context of why I made it, as I’ve proceeded. So I’m fascinated with the way the outcome has deviated from initial concept.

Here’s the thing though. I had some very specific outcomes that I wanted and they weren’t tangible. They were about vibe and feeling – friends and family – that kinda thing. And I had a bunch of ideas about how I would create situations to achieve these and see above on compromise. What I’ve learned is, 6 year old me was very imaginative but she didn’t actually have much worldliness in which to base her ideas and visions in context. She didn’t know much about life. And if my actual wedding looks nothing like her ideas, that doesn’t mean the spirit of it isn’t there.

My focus for our wedding is to be surrounded by family and friends and have a joyous day. For me, one of the ways I hope that will be expressed is through traditional Jewish dancing at the reception. I’ve always wanted to be right in the middle of the frenetic antics on my wedding day and I love to be a part of it on others. I love expressing happiness through dance. So instead of having the kind of bridal showers I’ve been to for other brides I know – tupperware party, linen tea, kitchen tea etc – I wanted to have a bridal shower that was a traditional Jewish dancing lesson so those who have never been to a Jewish wedding before would get a taste of what to expect, learn a few of the dance moves and mostly be reassured that there is no wrong! It’s mostly free form and all about silliness and one-upmanship and having a good time.<

My bridal shower was a couple of weeks ago. Not everyone could come but it was a really great mix of people. And we’d asked that instead of presents attendees bring a recipe of theirs to contribute to a recipe book to be put together for C and I. Kathryn, my sister and my Mum helped me cater an afternoon tea spread. And I have to say, I was really taken aback by what actually moved me about the event. I was really touched by those who came along – some are unable to come to our wedding day and it meant a lot that they came anyway and were a part of the whole … is process the right word? … maybe series of celebrations. Rite of passage almost feels like how to describe it.

I feel like this is a process of being embraced. Some of my closed family members asked me what of their recipes I wanted and it’s so heartwarming to think about which memories do I want to bring into my family home as I cook their recipes and serve them to my family and guests on special occasions. Others sent their recipes along even though they themselves couldn’t make it. And almost everyone included a message or note somewhere on the recipe, making it totally personal and special (sorry Kathryn, I totally peeked).

And there was dancing and lots of people humouring me with joining in and getting into it, which meant a lot to me. And I’m looking forward to the day and hopefully we will be able to create the … the Hebrew word I’m looking for is ru’ach – spirit.

The one thing I was worried about, and why I asked someone to come and show us the moves is that whilst I know how to do the dances, I mostly pick them up at a wedding when someone else is doing the steps and then I join in and show others. But I don’t actually know most of the complicated dances myself. I was standing there with an aunt and cousin trying to remember a few of them and they said, “Don’t you know?”
I replied, “I always follow you two!”
And they said, “Someone will know on the night”
And then I panicked, “But *we* are all the people. It’s just us!”

So I might still be a little bit anxious that we don’t have enough core people who know the steps to pull it off. And I’m also worried because the men’s dancing is a lot more … extreme … shall we say? And whilst there are enough strapping young men attending, I don’t know there are enough who can instruct them on what to do (ie how to throw people. Don’t ask).

I have a really great band and the lead guy was who came along to give the dancing lesson. He’d prepared stuff for to show the guys so at this stage, his plan is to pull a few people aside during the pre-dinner cocktails and hand over some tips. I’m sure it will be fine …

It meant a lot to me to see people come along to my bridal shower and take part and be enthusiastic about our coming wedding day. It’s very odd the process from going from a very personal relationship between you and someone else to something that extends beyond that and involves all the people you know. And is the actual point of the wedding itself.

So this kind of kickstarted this dawning of being on the train. My hen’s night is coming up and I wanted to sort of keep it reasonably low key and be more a few close friends round me as I march closer and closer towards this big event. I’m again quite touched by who has ended up coming along to this – my sister-in-law-to-be will have arrived in town and  is able to come. And a few work friends who can’t make it to the big day are coming along, available for this. And it’s starting to feel like a drawn out celebratory rite of passage with different friends and family rallying around me at different stages of the procession. It’s not quite what I expected this to be. But like everything in this whole experience, it’s better than that.

I’m looking forward to my hen’s night. Looking forward to catching up and spending time with friends I’ve not been able to see as much this year as I would have liked cause life got in the way. And I’m really excited by how much each of these events is adding to my excitement for the day.

I’m *really* getting married!

Today’s Tea: T2 Red Choc Mint (Rooibos) 4 stars out of 5

Today’s Craft Project: Sunrise socks in Zest Socks that Rock by Blue Moon Fibre Arts

Here it is! My very first completed adult sized jumper! Sure it’s a cardigan. Sure it’s still got to have its ends sewn in and buttons sewn on and be blocked. But still! Finished!!!

I cast this on as my Olympic Knitting project way back in was it July? And for me, this is pretty focussed effort, really. Finished in the same year I started! Obviously not worked on continuously ahem. But yeah, it’s got me excited about the potential of knitting more large garments ie other than socks.

So, this is a pretty happy tick in my knitting bucket list book – first sweater knitted.

I also knitting I-cord for the first time. And button holes. And struggled with the cast on which drove me crazy! It was knit top down all in one piece and then the arms knit in the round, casting on to stitches that had been placed on hold. Pretty fun!

So details – Ravi Cardigan by Carol Feller  in Aubergenius colourway, Socks that Rock by Blue Moon Fiber Arts.

Today’s Tea: T2 Chamomile

Today’s Craft Project: Finished!