Champagne and Socks

I suspect if I don’t post a post tonight, I might just end up not getting round to getting back into the habit of blogging, and I really want to. Half the problem is I’m trying to fit so much into every day and every week that I don’t have any time to either write or to sit down and reflect on things to write. And the other half of the problem is I still don’t really know what this blog is for anymore. Someone once told me, and I’m paraphrasing, that they were no longer going to read my blog because I was no longer sad and problem ridden and thus not interesting/had nothing to learn from any more. Which … yeah … clearly this threw me since I still remember it. Am I worth reading if all I post is happy, life appreciating things? Is anyone interested in photos and updates of the craft I’m working on or the boring life habits I’m finessing? If I only talk about the publishing projects I’m working on, then I’m a boring pr outlet and that’s not interesting. Work is always a no go. And wedding details are for after the event.

So you see the dilemma.

I’m just back from a really lovely mellow evening of friends and people just met as we celebrated Amelia Beamer and then farewelled her on her next chapter. She’s been here for a good half a year and it’s been utterly a pleasure. I shall be very sad that she is no longer in the suburb over. But it has been a worthwhile time well spent all the same. I shall miss her dearly.

I got to hang with friends which was lovely too. I’ve said goodbye to C this week. He’s been and gone already. We had a lovely 10 days of – wow are you really here? – and then – it’s like you never left – and then – and now you’re going again, really? He’ll be back right before the wedding which I think will be surreal – a week home, then we get married and then we go on holidays together. He came home and fixed a bunch of things, ate a lot of food, had to share the foxtel and then left. I’ve spent the rest of the week putting things back in their place and thinking about how much better I understand that whole Fly In Fly Out (FIFO they call it here) relatinship thing now. The whole – you’ve not been here for months and this is how I do/like things/this is the routine and they are all – but it’s my house and I live here and I make decisions too. It’s an odd thing. And I can’t say I really liked it. I had a very sad and heavy heart though as I exited the airport and realised I was on my own again. There’s pros (I have the foxtel back again) and cons (everything else) but ultimately, the long distance thing? I can’t say that I love it.

The wedding plans though move onwards. I realised a couple of months ago the thing. People were saying that I didn’t seem that excited – I’m excited about marrying C but I’m not having orgasms about all the stupid little decisions people seem to think are required for planning a wedding. I’m not interested in creating work or jobs to do. I really have enough on my plate. But someone said to me in passing that she loved planning her wedding because it was the first big project she’d ever gotten to do. And I realised that’s why I don’t have that whole high, buzz thing going on. This isn’t my first big project. And it’s also why I don’t have that whole panic freak out thing going on either. I already know that you can plan shit down to the details but things will go wrong on the day. You might lose friends and make enemies about stupid things that can’t be taken back or undone. And you will have to compromise on your vision in order to deliver. And also, I have my eye on the ball – I’m all about the bit where we get *married*. I know that people will judge me no matter what I do and that I won’t be able to please everyone. I already did all this jazz. I’m good. I know that project management is lists and schedules and ticking things off and oiling the squeaky wheel. And no matter what happens, the day will be here soon enough and it will be lovely.

eh

Last week my wedding dress arrived. The one I’m going to wear on the day. And I went to try it on – it’s the one I ordered, so that’s nice. And it needs to be taken in. That’s nice too. I did have that moment. I was standing on the little block, with my dress all poofed out and the assistant had popped out to go get something, and I looked up and saw myself, in the white dress and realised, this is me, in the white dress. The moment. And my heart skipped a beat. It was nice. And then I moved on, made decisions and got out of there!

I’m looking forward to it don’t get me wrong. I’m just fascinated by the whole industry and the manufacturing and corporatisation and monetisation of love, I guess.

And at the end of the month, I’ll be at World Fantasy Con. That’s weird to wrap my head around. This year is going by so fast.

Late last week – Thursday night in fact – I found out that C would be home at the weekend. Actually, he told me just as I was leaving the hospital, having been visiting my sister and not-yet-one-day-old new niece! My new niece is teeny tiny – 00000s onesies being too big. That (swimming in a 00000 onesie), by the way, is The Cutest thing in the entire world. As is she! Anyway, in and amongst all this excitement, C had finally managed to pass all the paperwork obstacles to get his leave able to be taken at home. Hurrah!

And so after mad scrambling to shuffle round my weekend plans, I managed to pick him up from the airport last night at 5pm. I *wanted* to do the whole Love Actually scene of run and leap at him but alas, I was delayed due to over-chattering at a previous engagement.

It’s been utterly lovely having him home. It’s like he’s never been away, I can hardly believe it’s been 5 weeks. And that’s going to make it even harder when he leaves next week. Then it will be the long haul til December. But on the bright side, in the day he’s been home, he’s shown me how to play my iphone through the car speakers (I so thought you could do that! Don’t ask how I have been listening to podcasts), fixed the kitchen tap, cooked me dinner and taken handover on a bunch of wedding tasks on my to do list. It’s good to have him home. And the puppy is slowly warming back up to the idea, after some caution and hesitation.

Today we had bake club. Several members tested the trifle entries to the competition for recipes for inclusion in A Trifle Dead for which I am very grateful. And photos were also taken! I’m still digesting all the food from bake club but it was a lot of fun!

And finally, yesterday I managed to go check my PO Box and was rewarded with many many shiny things. My package came from the very lovely Julia who was our designated acceptor should we win the Hugo. And so she sent us our Hugo pins (I HAVE A HUGO PIN!) and various other Hugo nominee paraphernalia. I may not have been able to attend the Hugo Losers party but I’m so excited that I got my own invitation!!! So freaking cool! She also sent the program and a con book and some other things and going through each one, I felt a little bit like I was there.

The other thing that arrived was a whole lotta fabric. I had been promising myself for about 2 months or more that if I could achieve zero inbox, I could get what ever fabric I wanted. And whilst I was not that progressive towards the goal, I did keep opening tabs of fabric bundles I loved, in anticipation. And eventually, through the GTD process, I did get zero inbox and got to order a bunch of stuff. And it all arrived in one giant go! OOh so exciting! I feel slightly guilty in that I think each fat quarter bundle I buy is its own new guilt so I keep adding future quilt projects to the pile and I’m not exactly whipping through the finishing off of the ones I’ve started. Still, new fabric always starts my creative juices flowing and I decided to play around with the new fabrics, cause that’s the fun bit after all, and design a new quilt. I’ve also been ordering all kinds of quilt books which have been arriving so I pulled them out to get ideas. (I also of course a) felt bad for ordering all this stuff whilst I have been knitting and have not actually sewn anything since probably January this year and then b) felt bad that pulling out the quilting stuff probably means an end to the knitting for a spell, again. I never seem to get the cyclical nature of my crafting).

Anyway. Not much in the way of work happened this weekend. I started my weekly review ala GTD but didn’t finish it. I’m not sure how much work will happen this week either. But I’m not going to feel bad about it since I already know how horrible it is when C is not here and that he will not be here again soon enough.

If you need something to make happy, then watch this

I did something today that normally I’d dread – I veered off my well worn weekly path off home, shower, TV and work, then bed – and happily headed out to catch up with some friends. Kindly I was allowed to bring the pups, who is not the most well behaved of creatures. And who hates the car. And I’m a horrible person in continuing to force him to go in the car under the theory that eventually he will get over it. I note, I absolutely refuse this kind of therapy to address my own phobias.

I had a lovely night. So good to sit with good friends, laugh, confess all my crazy, and be talked down off the Too Much Bus. Lots of fantastic advice and solutions and I’m inspired to head off and throw myself back into the fray. What more can a person ask for?

I composed the perfect post I wanted to make whilst in Konga class yesterday and it has of course now completely vanished into the ether. So um … here’s hoping I fumble around in the dark and get to what I actually wanted to say. It was deep and meaningful.

This week was tough. It’s finally hit that this tour is going to be long and lonely. I feel in some ways like I don’t get to validate that because this is maybe the easiest tour we might have – I know where he is and it’s not in a war zone, he calls home when he can, he emails all day long and we don’t have kids. Which means that I am well aware there will be much tougher times than this. But also means I haven’t really allowed myself to feel sorry for myself – that I’m doing the crunch time wedding planning, going to all the meetings and making a lot of decisions by myself. In some ways it feels like it’s an imaginary wedding with a make believe person. And even though I have lived by myself – for 3 years before this one – and I have had to do ALL the things by myself, it still feels like a lot when you’ve been sharing this responsibility with someone else. It’s really hard to do all these things and to keep all the balls, in all areas of my life, in the air right now.

And so … the inevitable. I think I can learn this about myself as a sign, when I proclaim (and really believe) that it’s rainbows and lolly pops and everything is going awesome and I have it all under control? Yep, I’m gonna be sliding into the hole the very next day. I’m about 1 day away from burnout. Which is nice to know. The trick to managing your headspace is to actively manage your headspace. So I’ll just, uh, note that down for later, eh? I came home Monday night and did not feel like working and could not seem to make myself work. C’s suggestion was: CRAP tv and knitting. And well, seemed to make a lot of sense. The rest of my week was much of the same. I can always tell when I’m succumbing to the abyss when my leaving the house time creeps later and later. And this meant working later at the day job progressively through the week. Which eats into TPP and other time. etc.

I made it to Konga class on Thursday though for the first time this set of classes. And loved it! And remembered that I love it! So hopefully will make it to the final two classes. And hopefully it will get the 3 more weeks the teacher was mentioning. And that of course helped me sleep a bit better.

I’ve had a bit of disappointing news on the day job front which has contributed to feeling a bit down about it all. I realised though that I was acting emotionally about it – which is fine to be the initial response but then you know, take a step back and let the head take over. I think maybe it’s not as bad as it felt on first hearing and yeah, I’ll have to do some stuff I don’t like, and have phobias about, but the potential for long term gain might be worth it. Gah. Sigh. Sometimes (most times) you just have to put your Big Girl Pants on and get on with it.

Which does segue to what I wanted to post about. This week I had two firsts for me – I wore a dress to work (I have not done that ever in all the time I have had a day job) and I had to buy new workout pants. But not just *new* pants, this was the first time I have ever bought exercise gear at all. Two really big personal milestones. And they’re milestones not just because I have lost weight (I had to buy new pants cause the pants I work out in normally fall down now) but because I am starting to change the way I think about myself. Because I have not moved that dramatically down in dress size – I’ve lost one dress size, I think. “I think” because I don’t know what size I was to start off this year because I have not bought clothes in five years. If you don’t buy them, you don’t have to be confronted with what size you are and then you don’t have to be confronted with other things related to that.

But I wore a dress to work because I have started to buy clothes that say more about who I am rather than what will clothe me. And I bought work out pants because I am a person who works out now and does it regularly and in public. I have begun to see myself differently. I have begun to be more comfortable in my skin. And not because of the weight I have lost but because of the things I am doing that also just happen to have that outcome. I have begun to really care about the food I put in my body – that it be healthy and nutritious because it makes me *feel* better. I have energy now. I feel *clean* on the inside. I feel ready to run and dance and smile. And caring about that has changed the way I see myself. I no longer want to be invisible or slink into the wallpaper and hope noone notices me. I think once I started actively caring for my body, I started caring *about* my body. If you don’t move it, you get stiff and injured so exercise became not something that I am doing to lose weight but to stay working and functioning and productive. And as it turns out, the fitter and healthier I feel, the more I enjoy and long to move or run or dance.

I have an ongoing neck problem – I’ve had it since April. I’ve been seeing a physio regularly about it and it looks like I might have to continue with maintenance treatment til after the wedding because a lot of this is exacerbated by stress (what? I think I might have too much weight on my shoulders? nah!! ) But I’m so angry at myself because some of this is related to poor posture. And I think that is related to being so unhappy previously, with my ex, which is when the poor posture started, that I wanted to not be as tall or proud and I lost my confidence. I’m now actively working on correcting this but it occurs to me that feeling better inside my skin might just mean that I feel more like I want to start up straight

You know, just when I think I have deconstructed my crap and looked at it and then processed and addressed it, I find new crap that needs deconstruction.

Well it’s the beginning of week 4 of the tour. Wedding plans are full steam ahead, and shaping up in all directions. Suddenly the wedding seems very close and I don’t feel anywhere near ready. There is still so much to do and so much  I want to get done before then. I’m missing C a lot. It feels very strange to have my own routine in this house without him. And I’m very aware of how much he was doing, now that I have to do it all myself. It’s suddenly a much harder juggling act. And at the same time, I’m also well aware that this could well be the easiest tour for me. And that gets a bit sobering.

I’m not wallowing though nor really allowing myself to get too lonely. I have some great people at work to hang out with and my weekends have been filled with family, friends and errands. I remember when my ex split up with me the first time and I thought I would “die”. I remember how horrible that was and I promised myself I would never be like that again – never allow myself to depend on someone else so much. And so I didn’t feel that way when he split up with me the second time and I don’t feel like that now. I have my own very full life and I remain independent. I’m marrying a sailor and they go away for long stints. I’m gonna be ok. And the upside about these days is that I still email with him everyday so he doesn’t feel that far away. And this is our second round of this – after the first time, C came home and asked me to be his girlfriend. This time when he comes home, I’m going to become his wife.

I don’t have too much to report. Everything is kinda about maintenance and moving projects forward. I spent the weekend rolling out the Getting Things Done thing – I found half my desk, which has been fully covered in tall piles of papers since I moved in here. I’m about a third of the way through this process, I guess. I didn’t believe Allen when he said I’d toss a lot and file a lot. I genuinely believed I was up to date on that part of record keeping. Alas no, I was not. Still it does feel good to see the results – more clear spaces and much less paperwork about the place. I also now fully see why my list systems weren’t working. I knew there was something broken about them but now it is all very very clear. I’m looking forward to more progress in the week ahead.

That said, I did nothing this evening but mooch around after dinner. C prescribed more of the same so I caught up on Doctor Who and attempted to knit the next stage of my cardigan three times. It’s like my knitting skills have devolved. Maybe I’ve taken too long a break from knitting?

Yesterday Helen came round and we had a meeting of sorts. She’s been a managing editor at TPP for over a year now (has it been that long already?) and we had to get on top of the bits and pieces relating to the final 5 Twelve Planets. I’m planning to take off two months around my wedding and that means moving all the work from those months forward. We’ll see. But we also have started work on what is planned beyond the 12 Planets. Such a funny thing because this project has been such a large one and it’s hard to believe we will soon be on the other side of it. I shall miss very much working on it – it’s been such an amazing group of people to work with – writers, introducers, editors, proofers, design and layout, ebooks and then beyond to the subscribers and booksellers and readers. Of course, the only way to deal with the sadness of the coming to an end of something is to plan something bigger and more ambitious. And that’s what we did yesterday. I’m a little bit scared to tell the truth. But at the same time, it’s thrilling and exciting. And I think that’s how it should be. Art shouldn’t feel safe or predictable.

I really have to be quick tonight as I am trying to incrementally bring forward my bedtime this week in order to see what it’s like, as an experiment, when I get more than 6 hours of sleep on average.

Earlier this week, I fell into a new cult. For some reason, I started listening to podcasts from the Getting Things Done company (David Allen) on Monday and by the time I got home, I’d listened to all the episodes I’d downloaded ages ago and realised, There Was Hope for me! Since then, I’ve vaguely mentioned this to C – that I’d discovered I didn’t have to give up my current pen and paper list system (I could have told you that, he said, and have you been reading the books?) – and discovered he has almost all of the books. And when I went looking for his books, discovered that my dear other half has about three shelves of management and leadership type books. tThis is what I meant at my engagement party when I said he has the other half of the library I’ve been amassing all my life. *Of course* he has exactly the book I need at exactly this time.

And so I’ve been working through the Idiots Guide to GTD – I bought the proper first book this morning though cause I didn’t love the Idiots Guide approach. And I’ve been retooling my list system. I knew there was something wrong with it cause it just wasn’t working the way it used to. Yeah turns out I need more verbs and more next actions and less with the which kind of red pen for the ticks.

I’ve already been way more productive today than I have been in weeks. Today:

– done 3 loads of laundry

– cooked dinner

– done all the dishes

– set out breakfast (and lunch cause FREEZER OF AWESOME) for tomorrow

– set out clothes for tomorrow and packed my bag for Konga class after work

– gotten my emails down from 98 to 37 (yes yes a ton of people just realised I knew they were alive and had read their email, I just couldn’t figure out what to do with it next, but have now actioned it. Expect more emails people. MORE EMAILS).

– cleared my dining table

– gathered all my “stuffs” around the house and put them in a new in tray for procesing

I feel SO MUCH BETTER ALREADY. Look out world!

I think you’re lucky if every now and again you can have one of those days that just boosts your faith in it all. And I had one of those kind of days today – a day where I was asked to come and inspire and be a role model and I hope I did that but also where the experience gave me back as much as I gave to it. Today was the very first day that I took annual leave for Twelfth Planet Press work. It felt very much like a milestone.

I was asked to come and speak at a girls’ school about TPP and about what I’ve been doing and about gender issues in publishing. I am not the great enjoyer of public speaking so I was kind of dreading it. But I took the speech I gave the other night, a powerpoint presentation and a TPP intern who also happens to be a school teacher and I headed out in the wild and wooly weather to what has to be one of the most beautiful schools in Perth.

I had terrible school envy. In fact, I kinda blamed my parents for everything that didn’t happen to me as I walked round the campus on account of them not sending me to that school (it was a Catholic school, that would never have happened but STILL! WOE!) I told  afterwards that I could have done so much more with my life if I’d gone to that school and she rolled her eyes at me and said she thought I did alright. (Totally keeping her! Being able to roll your eyes at the boss is important)

Anyway. What a lovely day! I had deliberately chosen a timeslot that had the smallest group allocated to it but you know teachers! They managed to get Year 10s and 12s into what was just going to be a couple of Year 11s. And I don’t think I bored them too much. I thought they’d fall asleep or eat me alive or not ask me any questions at the end. None of that happened. I got asked lots of interesting questions and they laughed at my jokes. I met lots of young, smart and confident young women and smart and engaged teachers. And T was awesome – you know, if my superpower is finding the great people in life, it’s a pretty darn good (and useful) superpower. She wasn’t at all phased by the school or the schoolkids or any of it.

After the talk, which went ok, I played them a bit of Galactic Suburbia as well (schools these days have IT and internet and … wow, I feel SO deprived), the English department put on recess for me. They had catering and the most stunning staff room I could ever have dreamed about – with coffee machines and club sandwiches and The Best Teachers. We had a lovely time chatting about things.

But seriously, I think one of the best things that’s happened for me this year is starting to connect with school libraries and teachers. I am so inspired and heartened by how awesome they are and so hungry to find new and great material to teach and support and get into their students’ hands. How lucky kids are to be taught by such enthusiastic and creative and interested people. How lucky we are to have such great people teaching the future of our nation. There were so many smiles and so much encouragement, it reminded me why I am here today – I’m an engineer because my school teachers cared enough to find me a stream of engineering that would interest me and talk me into at least trying it out. I’m a publisher because I have always been encouraged by those around me to read and find and explore and immerse. I am so very lucky to have the honour of interacting with the people I find in life.

I had one of those days that made my heart soar and inspired me again by what is possible, that potential can be made real.

I had a good day

C was a little surprised to hear from me today that the missing him has finally sunk in. About two days ago I reached my “this is long enough now” moment and then realised I still had the better part of 4 months to go. It was then that I realised it was going to be harder than I thought. C thought I should have been missing him straight away! But I had that big scary speech to do. And also, he does week long courses or several nights of watch or whatever so a week apart was not such a shock to the system. And the funny thing is that time feels like it’s going fast and going really slow at the same time. It’s quite disorienting. And that we will get married about 10 days after C comes home is really weird – I want him home but I have to finish planning a whole wedding (get a new job, send several books to the printer, go to World Fantasy Con etc etc) before then. And I also know that’s all going to go by really fast. And then we’ll be married. It’s hard to take in.

Today I spent the day following the Charlotte Dawson story on Twitter and on the news sites (we talk about it on tonight’s episode of Galactic Suburbia as well). And at about mid-afternoon I get an email from C saying the one or two thoughts that I’d been thinking/looking for answers for all day. And you know, yet again realised how much I am going to marry that guy. It’s such a happy thing to be in the same headspace as someone else and not having to put any effort into getting there.

I solved the mystery of the gym gear. It was in C’s car where I left it from the last dance class which was cancelled so I never went thus never wore the clothes.

I ran another 3 km today. Little bit too easily so I shall have to up the intensity next week. I am though enjoying the treadmill and have used it 3 out of 4 sessions of workouts this week so far. So that alleviates the guilt I had over that for the last month!

Things are changing again at work. But I don’t know what the implications are. I really really don’t want to have to be applying for a job in the next four months but I suspect that’s wishful thinking.

I bought new notebooks and coloured pens today. Bit exciting! It was time to admit my current notebooking system had gone awry – always needs regular change up to keep it all fresh. I got a separate one for the wedding planning – OMG it needs its own notebook now. I got one with the Eiffel Tower on the front for it though

Got busted at my regular coffee shop for cheating on them this morning. Turns out that the reason I feel like I haven’t had a coffee when I go with workmates to some other place is because my normal large coffee has three shots of coffee in it. OOps.

And that’s about all I got to report in today. We recorded the latest episode of Galactic Suburbia. I knitted on my Olympic cardigan as I couldn’t find the needle to sew the seams on the baby jacket. And I spent the entire episode unpicking lace to try and figure out where I lost a stitch. I did figure it out in the end but that’s what I was doing when I was very quiet!

It’s hard to get everything done in a day and I’m really starting to try to be ok with just getting one thing done on top of working the day job, cooking dinner, completing the day’s workout and whatever other small chores I need to get done in the day. Today I answered a few emails and I finished off the knitting for my niece’s baby surprise jacket. I just have to sew on the buttons and sew the seams which I’ll do tomorrow during Galactic Suburbia. So she’s all good to go ahead and be born now.

I *would* be going to Konga class tomorrow which has a new term starting but I can’t find any pants at all or by sneakers. See first sentence above.

Anyway, I wanted to post some photos from the speech the other night and maybe a few paragraphs of the speech. It’s kind of weird to talk about yourself and your achievements for 15 minutes. But sitting down to write a narrative about my publishing did help me nut out a few thoughts that I felt expressed a few things about Twelfth Planet Press.

This is me receiving the award.

And you know you’re in the right family when, during your speech, your uncle feels a need to document The Shoes getting an outing. And might I say, those shoes were very popular with the crowd. I picked the right fashion era

Some excerpts from the speech I gave:

I think what I appreciate most about this genre is the opportunity to interrogate the present through imagining an alternate reality. By placing people in extreme or alien scenarios, we can explore what it means to be human, what are our strengths and our weaknesses, who we are when it really counts. And in the best examples of this kind of fiction, advocate for change – in the way we think, what we value or the way we behave. For me, the true power of art comes from holding a mirror up to life to argue, suggest or demand that we, humanity, do better.

 

This desire to have women’s voices heard in the science fiction world powers my commitment and dedication to these ideals,

 

In this context my publishing company has grown and evolved. I’m driven by several objectives – the first and foremost is to publish fresh, original, well written work that seeks to interrogate, commentate, inspire or provoke thought. The second is to advocate for fiction written for, by or about women. To raise the awareness of women’s voices in science fiction and fantasy. And finally, to showcase and demonstrate the depth and breadth of Australian fiction and voice to the broader science fiction and fantasy scene.

And I am too tired to blog. It’s quite unlike me to go to bed so early but that is what I think I shall be doing once I hit publish. I got to bed late last night and it hurt a lot getting into work this morning. Added to that, it’s Day 1 of Week 1 of Round 3 of the 12 WBT and I had let myself off the exercise hook the last two weeks on the agreement that come today,  I was back on the horse. Today being the day after yesterday (did that honestly already happen? Wow). So I got home, a bit later than usual as I had to work later, and I did the fitness test to start off the program – this included running 1 km. And then I did the day’s workout session. I’m going to actually do the running program to the end, this time. So I did the first session of that. And ran another 2km. Plus some circuits. And then I cooked dinner – lentil spag bol. I tested the dishwasher – no go, it looks dead. And washed yet more towels from that incident.

So yes, I see why I am now tired. Though that doesn’t help with the the things needing to get done. But today, I don’t think it’s going to happen. I had more photos to post as well might but that might have to wait til tomorrow.

One of the preseason tasks of the 12wbt is to Say it Out loud. And here is really as good a place as any to do that. In fact, what I intend to do is hold myself accountable by noting in these posts that I have completed the tasks for the day. Because it’s all very well to day I am a woman of my word but who watches the watchers? So my goal this round is to get to goal weight (which I don’t exactly know the number of cause it’s supposed to be based on BMI but that number, for my height, looks a bit low for what I think I should be). That said, I’m aiming for 1 kg a week now til I hit it. And then maintain that for the remainder of the round. And my other goal is actually to complete the running program and run 5km very comfortably. And enjoyably.

I’ve been thinking a lot tonight about how far I’ve come and yet to go on this program. I’m entering my 8th month on it and kinda hoping some of the stuff should have stuck already! Here are some things that I do think I’ve changed:

1. I like salad greens and I look for them to add to almost any meal and find the meal bereft if we’re out of rocket.
2. preparation really is key and I’ve learned this for being able to stay on the program but also for other things I do in life, especially if I am worried about how they will go on the day. I now look for red flags both for sticking to the program but also for just in life, if you can see things that you know you will struggle with coming, why not get a plan of action for how you’re gonna go around it? It actually makes life less stressful
3. I’ve learned to accept core truths about who I am that will not change. I am not a morning person. I cannot do much in the morning on the way out the door to work. I need to pack my breakfast and lunch the night before or else it will not happen. These are already there and packaged ready to grab for tomorrow. See the point above.
4. I don’t actually go for seconds anymore. When we cook at home, the meals are portioned out, and the extras are put straight into freezer containers and put in the freezer. My freezer is full right now of meals ready to be grabbed. See point above.
5. I’ve by and large learned to head off my grazing patterns when I walk in the door in the evening by making dinner – yes it takes longer than browsing the pantry but in the long run, I will be more satisfied.
6. there is no escaping the consequences of pizza.
7. my eyelashes got thicker and I have new hair on my head that’s been growing in. This one is really sobering for me cause it says a lot about previous nutrition.
8. I feel more powerful when I am exercising regularly
9. I remembered how much I love to dance

I might not be at the end point yet but I’m getting there.

Today was such a big day for TPP! On the east coast, lots of TPP crew gathered at the Melbourne Writer’s Festival for the Twelfth Planet Press Showcase. I followed the event on Twitter and discovered it’s a lot harder to throw a party long distance than I thought it would be – I desperately wanted to be there and was so hungry for every photo and tweet – and text! – I got as the event progressed. I have such a big thank you to Jason Nahrung who first brought the idea to me and then worked really hard on the ground in Melbourne to make it happen and without his tireless organising, liaising, schlepping and programming, it would not have been possible. He even fixed that unfortunate TNT error from Natcon by collecting the books and passing them on to Dymocks who are the official bookstore of MWF:

(Thanks Deb for this lovely shot of the TPP books on the shelf!)

Also a big thanks to the authors who could make it to the event, some flying in from outer state – Deb, Kaaron, Cat, Rosaleen, Narrelle, Lucy, Kirstyn and Jason. (Hope I didn’t forget anyone?) And also to Julian Warner who MC’ed, Kerry Greenwood who spoke for the 12 Planets and Talie Helene who provided music. And to everyone everywhere who attended the event. I hear it was packed and I must admit I had fretted the “what if noone comes” a bit, so it was so exciting and overwhelming to hear that all the seats were taken and the standing room.

Whilst this was going on, I was at home preparing for a speech this evening. I was doing that thing where I couldn’t focus on anything else cause I had this thing to do, even though it was still hours away. Luckily, the universe has a way of filling a vacuum. I’m not *saying* it was the puppy’s fault and I know this sounds a bit conspiracy theorist but, he *was* the first to know, and sure, he spent a good 7 to 10 minutes trying to tell me about it before giving up, but he does seem like the other one to have profited from my dishwasher flooding the house. Yes. Water. Everywhere and not at all in an ironic way. About half an inch deep in the kitchen, dining, and half way in the tv and sitting area – under carpets and couches. And … and now you see it, right? but I had to move couches to mop up all the water and check for electricals and this, you see, exposed what was behind the couch – TWO uneaten treats, long forgotten…. or so i thought …

Anyway, that gave me something to do before heading up to Perth for the National Council of Jewish Women Australia WA evening for Women’s Achievers. Where in exchange for speaking for 15 minutes about myself and TPP, I won an award for being a Woman Achiever. It was a truly great honour to be recognised by this group and the other two award winners for 2012 (its a biennial award) were absolutely inspirational – Commander Michelle Fyfe APM (the 2012 Australian Police Medal recipient, did you know that in 1984, women police officers could only wear the uniform pants after sundown and part of their uniform included a handbag because they had no holster with that dress?) and Susan Cromb (Chairperson of the Adopt-A-School Partnership Bali-WA).

The evening also included a speech from the President of NCJWA in which she spoke a lot about the programs the organisation runs. A lot of really good work, and projects I really admire. And I was so chuffed by how many people came over to tell me how much they enjoyed my speech. It was really hard to write 15 mins worth about myself and I wasn’t sure the audience would care about science fiction I’m so glad my doubts were unfounded.

The evening was a fundraiser and my uncles and aunt, parents, family friend and Kathryn came to make up my table. I had a day where my heart overflowed because of all the love in it. Such a really great day. Thanks to everyone!

So I’m starting to see that the “surprise” in the Baby Surprise Jacket comes from the how-does-this-become-a-jacket element of it. The instructions say to not try and figure it out, just knit with faith. This is the “jacket” almost completed knitted:

Stay tuned.

Today I slept in for the first time in 2 weeks. Oh sweet sweet joy. I did head out and run my errands. This included doing the foodshop for next week, week 1 of the Round 3 of the 12 Week program. And grabbing a takeaway coffee from the new little cake shop that has opened in our local little centre. And then I made the very fancy omelette that is the program breakfast for today.

It seems that if my kitchen is neat and clean, I’m more likely to cook. And if I have a plan on what is going to be cooked, I’m more likely to cook it and not snack on something unhealthy in the meantime. And if things are neat and clean, I’m more likely to further spread the neat and clean-ness but tidying elsewhere. And if I’m doing things that are on my to do list – including my cooking and cleaning chores – I feel happier and am more likely to continue. These are things I knew about myself yet find it hard to short circuit out of bad routines.

So I mad the roasted pumpkin, leek and garlic soup that is several meals for this week coming. It’s so delicious, I had one of the serves for dinner. And if I feel energetic, I might make the spag bol for next week in advance tomorrow. I also did laundry. How boring.

Whilst working today, I caught up on Boss – Kelsey Grammer as Mayor of Chicago. It’s intense and politics and scheming and so on and it reminds of shows like Sopranos meets The Wire meets – I don’t want to say The West Wing here because everyone seems nasty and corrupt and TWW was so much more idealistic than that.

I’ve been prepping for my speech tomorrow night and that’s all getting a bit exciting. I’ll report more on that after the event

Other than that, I sadly have very little to report.

I’m this really annoyingly one track minded person this week. I have a speech to give at a fundraiser for Women Achievers this weekend and I’m nervous. I do this annoying thing when there are things I really don’t want to do – I mark time around them. Like, I can’t have fun or look forward to X until thing I don’t want to do is done. So yeah, until I get this speech done, I can’t even think about the hair and makeup trials and the bridesmaid fittings that we have on on Sept 1. Instead, I’ve spent the week prepping or worrying about this speech. This, 15 minute, speech. It’s really hard to say much in 15 minutes. I think the original speech I drafted was double that so it feels very sparse now that it’s stripped back.

C called me tonight. The first thing he said was “oh no, I didn’t call in the middle of Galactic Suburbia, did I?” I told him that in fact I had just finished cooking dinner and so he wanted to know what I’d made and I could almost hear him thinking about what the mushroom risotto looked and tasted like. It was his last meal choice before heading off to sea. It was lovely to speak to him. I don’t think it’s really set in yet – the whole four months apart thing.

There’s not much else to catch up on – yesterday was weigh in for the last week of Round 2. I lost 1kg. Which puts my total loss for the round at 2.4kg and 9 cm but since most of that has been in the last 2 weeks and Round 3 starts next week, I’m going to concentrate on the roll that I am currently on. Especially once I get this speech out of the way (see what I mean!). I looked over next week’s menu and it’s a tough one for choosing only half this week (since all the recipes are 2 serves I only need to cook half the menu).

I’m catching up on my recorded Foxtel show from the last month (there was the Olympics and a certain person mainlining games before he left). I am now up to speed on:

• Real Housewives of OC and NYC
• Bethenny Ever After
• Pregnant in Heels
• Bill and Guiliana

This has now cleared 30% of the space. Ahem.

Other than that, this knitting project has been driving me mad, I’ve knitted 4 times this amount and unpicked it. For something tht is so simple, I am making it so hard grrr!!!!I think my knitting skills have decreased.

Books I’m reading this week – Glory in Death by JD Robb and Matched by Ally Condie

Ah Monday. And we started out with such high hopes and good intent.

Let’s see. I managed to get up and out the house in time to run for the early bus. And still arrive at the train station to catch the same train as usual. It’s uncanny how many different buses I can take between 6.55 and 7.20 and still get the same damn train! I had a good day at work – I finished up the first document I’ve been given lead to coordinate and handed that in this afternoon, as per my target. And we had a meeting with the boss who was happily surprised by how far along we were on main project. I visited my physio who told me I was very tense this week and I think that meant I didn’t have to have any rehab exercise homework assigned. And apart from a slight bus hiccup at the train station home, my work day was delightfully uneventful.

One of my workmates is joining me on the Round 3 12 Week Body Transformation and that’s really helping me to get psyched up about starting that next week. I’m even – and let’s see how this goes before we say it’s a thing – thinking about getting up at 6am and exercising before work each day. My job this week is to start getting myself up earlier and then we’ll see how it goes from there. I have the treadmill in the other room and I could even sleep in my workout gear so it would only be a matter of getting out of bed and walking over *there* to do it. And as much as I deny it and argue with Michelle, leaving exercise to the end of the day means it doesn’t get done or it gets compromised in lieu of any other thing that’s on.

This evening I was supposed to do the rewrite of the speech I’m giving Sunday night (holy crap, don’t wanna). And I also was to start fleshing out the calendar for wedding planning to dos for the rest of this year. Instead, I treated my wicked heartburn with icecream (works) and started this knitting project which I have been procrastinating on for three years.

This is a Baby Surprise Jacket in Blue Moon Fibre Arts Sock Candy. Currently the borage and green apple colourways. And it’s for my new niece who is arriving in 4 weeks. I was talking to my sister today about some wedding plan things and this kickstarted me into Better Hurry Up already! I’m pretty sure though this particular pattern will count for the Knitting bucket list book when I go look to check it off. So that’s an extra tick. I also might have cleared about 20% of the Foxtel IQ queue this evening as well. Ahem.

Well, it’s mid August already. I really don’t know how this happened. It was February 5 minutes ago.

This morning we got up very very early and headed to Garden Island and helped settle C into his very small cabin which he has the luxury of sharing with only one other person this tour and then we breakfasted with other families of the crew on the deck of his warship and then stood on the wharf and waved as it gently pulled away and headed off to sea. And as we stood there waving him goodbye, the crew all standing on the decks rather formally as they head off, the tiniest voice from behind me called out, “Bye Daddy.” Damn that wrenched my heart.

So we are here. At this phase in the year. The bit where after 2.5 years of having him home every day, C has headed back to sea. And this is a four month stretch as he goes off to do all things naval and I get to do all the final planning for our wedding. And then he will come home and we will be married. Basically I won’t be living with him again until we are husband and wife. It was all fine and good cause this bit was, you know, off there on the horizon, and beyond, the wedding. But um. Here we are.

And tonight I met with my parents and a member of the band we were looking at for the wedding. And he is all very experienced in the kind of wedding we are looking at having. And I thought we’d toss around a few ideas and see what we thought and go away and come back. But he totally sat down and planned all the sets, I chose the bridal dance music, and we worked out the schedule for the reception. And somewhere in that process it hit me. I’m getting married. I’m really getting married. Woah!

So my intention is to post every day here because otherwise I might start talking to myself and noone wants that! And because I honestly have no idea how I am going to get everything done that I have on the list between now and Dec 23. And because maybe stopping to write it all down might slow it down a bit?

Oh yes, look, I do still remember the password to this account. It’s been so long I might have even forgotten how to do this!

No, really. I had grand ideas of posting along the road this year with everything going on, planning our wedding and so on. But this year is completely out of control. 2/3rds of it is already gone and it’s done that in the blink of an eye. I have my speech to deliver next Sunday and I’d be wracked with nerves and terror about it but I kinda also know it will be gone before I know it. Which means also that my wedding is going to be here before I know it too. I’ve surrendered to the speed at which this year is travelling. What’s 15 minutes of public speaking in that?

So can I even just summarise it in one post? Considering I don’t know when I’ll drop back past? I miss blogging and I don’t know that I ever really imagined a time when I would be too busy to even think about in a week. Anyway, here is a pic of the cardigan I cast on at the beginning of the London Olympics. I got a reasonable way through, for me, and am continuing on with it as I nostalgically recall my 2 weeks of 8 channels of Olympics sport. This is the yoke of the cardigan and it’s the first time I’ve used short rows. I’m interested to see how it goes. I’m a bit pleased that I’m actually doing some of the things from the knitting bucket book I bought a few months back – finally knitting my first adult size jumper and trying some new techniques and stitch patterns. Feels both relaxing (it’s not though, I had to rip out the first few rows several times to get it right) and productive with the ticking off of lists!

And as far as ticking things off goes, I’ve got one more week left on Round 2 of the 12 Week Body Transformation. This round was really really hard. I sat at the same weight for a good 11 weeks and have only just broken through the plateau. I’m set to lose maybe 3 kilos out of the whole round which would put me at a total weight loss of 13 kgs all up. I’m signed up for Round 3 and am hoping that it will lead me to my goal weight.

I found Round 2 really really hard due to not having that much spare time to put into things like cooking and exercising. It didn’t mean that I didn’t work on things – I worked on my head stuff a lot and ended up making a lot of transformations that were cerebral, emotional and lifestyle related. I’ve been applying the “Just Fricking Do It” philosophy to things in my life which has meant that a lot more of my house has gotten sorted and tided and organised. I’m aiming to have it all completed before 2013 so when we come home from our honeymoon, we come to a set up home that’s a happy and relaxing place to be.

I’ve also finally attacked my TPP finance accounting system. Long time readers will know this story well. But this time is The Time. I have to have books that have been audited for applying for arts grants by March and that was never going to be a small undertaking. But yeah sure it’s time intensive and requires lots of thinky thinking, but the truth is the thing that was putting me off was actually having final bottom line numbers that are unavoidable. But you know, thing is, I put my big girl publisher pants on and am doing it like a business woman. There are lots of really hard problems to solve and lots of unanswerable questions – some things just can not be answered 5 years after they happened. And so you know, big girl publisher pants wearing people Make Decisions and move on and don’t look back quivering with indecision. (Its quote nice really)

And here’s a horrible confession, I had not filed any paperwork or receipts since the last time I tried to sort the finances because it was all too scary and all needed sorted through and organised and then filed away when accounted for etc. So I dunno? Maybe 3 years of unfiled mess. I moved house with it. That was some of the unpacking required. And you know, that was scary to face. So this has all been being gotten under control. As more accounting gets done, more paperwork gets filed away and organised. And the house looks tidier. And as I collate the information, other ways to use it have come up so I’ve been working on things like forward planning budgets, publicity plans and projects in development stuff. It’s amazing what progress can be made when you take control and feel the fear but do it anyway.

So these are just a couple of examples of what I’ve been up to. I used to  write a lot to work through stuff in my head. At the moment it seems that doing it – action – is what is helping. So I’m working through things though doing. And I’m interested to see how much of this will stick – how much is real change and how much is transition til I fall back to old habits – both lifestye and thought patterns.

Things are full steam ahead with the wedding planning. I’ve got lots of things lined up for the next couple of weeks – finalising the bridesmaid dresses, doing hair and makeup trials. Last night we met with our celebrant and started talking over what the ceremony itself will be. We have started working through the paperwork for the license because … C is off to sea this weekend. And this takes us into the final phase of life before married life. It’s a bit scary (the being close to the wedding bit). So that leaves the rest of the things for me to work out and finalise. Ahem. Including the bridal registry. DO you think a raspberry kitcheaid would get old?

On the publishing front, Cracklescape by Margo Lanagan has been getting some really lovely reviews.

Brit Mandelo reviewed it over on Tor.com:

Cracklescape is like a box of gourmet chocolates: four unique, rich bites. This is the natural intent of the “Twelve Planets” series of collections, of course—

Lanagan’s other-world fantastic stories are great, but the understated and graceful force of these four pieces, put into concert, demonstrates her equal gift for bringing to life real people in the real world—only, a touch sideways, a touch out of kilter, encountering things that they cannot explain

Paul Weimer reviewed it today at SF Signal:

If you are interested in the region of the field where genre blends into contemporary fiction, or simply want some very beautiful, well crafted and shining writing, the work of Margo Lanagan in Cracklescape is definitely something worth your time and attention.

And in our latest episode of Galactic Suburbia – Episode 66 – we talk about all this Sporty Space

In which we suffer post-Olympics slump but make up for it by talking about sport in SF/F: from coyote baseball, holodeck racquetball and the points system of Quidditch to the history of sport in Doctor Who. And don’t forget that Buffy was a cheerleader!

It’s no surprise I feel like I am in a constant whirlwind and have no time to sit still. Or that I am tired most of the time. I am though finding that the busier you are, the less time you have to muck around. I am kicking August’s To Do List’s Arse. I am very much looking forward to marrying C and to swanning about in Paris for two weeks afterwards and do NO WORK AT ALL. I’m planning to take at least a month off TPP around then. Course that means I have to get ahead of the game now which … explains all of the above.

August 26 is going to come round faster than I think it will and I have two very important events in my calendar for that day.

Here in Perth, I am scheduled to speak as part of the Women Achievers night for the National Council of Jewish Women of Australia fundraising event. I’m so blown away to have been asked that I have no idea what I will talk about. For 15 minutes. I need to start working on that speech.

In Melbourne, Twelfth Planet Press is scheduled to have a showcase at the Melbourne Writers Festival. We are hosting a free event with food and drinks at the Yarra Building, Federation Square at 5.30 pm. More information can be found on the Melbourne Writers Festival programme. Jason Nahrung has been working incredibly hard on the ground in Melbourne to make this work. And Deborah Biancotti and Kaaron Warren are flying in for the event. Also part of the event are the Melbourne Twelve Planets – Lucy Sussex, Narrelle M Harris, Deb Kalin, Rosaleen Love and Kirstyn McDermott – and Jason Nahrung. What a fantastic lineup! To top that, we have Kerry Greenwood to help launch the event and especially the newly released Cracklescape by Margo Lanagan. I wish I could be there! It’s going to be heaps of fun.

Things are incredibly busy at the moment. Just having to learn to run faster to keep up with it all!

A quick plug for the latest issue of the fanzine Journey Planet – Issue 13 – which can be downloaded for free here.

I was invited to contribute to a discussion following the decision for Eastercon 2013 to progamme for gender parity and Paul Cornell’s commitment to not being on all male panels. This discussion, in the form of many varied answers and opinions on the topic is presented in this issue of Journey Planet. It’s guaranteed to make you angry but what is really interesting is that everyone will be angry to different responses and to me that’s the most important thing. We are all different and we see the issues and solutions differently. And “women” are not one homogenous subset who all think and feel and see the world the same. I hope this issue kicks off respectful discussions with depth and I think, there are many paths up the mountain but the important thing is that the more we talk about it and the more we highlight the issues, the better chance we have of it being visible and in the forefront of everyone’s minds. Because then, with quotas or without, if people are thinking “hey we should ask this person” or “we should examine why we only have men speaking/writing/volunteering/participating on this”, we have a greater chance of them then asking why and considering the answer. I think that’s a huge step forward, no matter the outcome.

I had a really great weekend. Yesterday I slept in so the whole day was spent celebrating a friends forthcoming nuptials. I caught the train into the city – all dressed up and feeling very cosmopolitan. I think it’s the first time I’ve ever used public transport for going out. (I’ve lived a sheltered life). We started with a very lovely high tea and then on to cocktails and canapes and games and then I was picked up by my lovely fiance and headed home. I’m getting old, bed starts to look good earlier in the evening these days.

But I had two slowly dawning on me thoughts from yesterday and they fit into a theme of a thoughts process I’m working through at the moment. I’m very much finding myself working back through a lot of crap and discarding a lot of emotional and personal stuff and finding my way back to me. It feels more and more like I’m coming back home. And in some ways, the “myself” is a person I am referring to from long ago. Kathryn asked me last night how I was defining my time periods and I guess I feel like I’ve been working through for a long time stuff from my ex – not really things about him but more to do with how I let myself be treated and who I became in that relationship, which wasn’t a short period of time.

If you let someone undermine you, or you bend yourself into the person they want you to be, you can lose yourself, forget who you are and more importantly, you can learn to train yourself into being what other people want you to be, liking things other people want you to like and believing the horrible and untrue things they say about you. I was in that relationship for 6 years trying to make it work by trying to twist myself into being the person who fit into that picture. And it felt like I broke myself by the end. I’ve spent a long time working on healing myself from that experience. And I probably have a way to go. But I think some of this is some of the answer to some recent heartache. That I’ve learned to take to heart and let lies about myself hurt me. I can’t stop that kind of stuff but I can change how I think about those things. It’s a work in process.

I do think it’s funny that I made this random and non thought through tweet today about how I was working on liking chai tea this afternoon. A few people were like – WHY??? And I guess I still think it’s more important to make myself like what I don’t than just be ok with not liking something that other people do. When you step up and have a contrary opinion, there will always be people who don’t like that. And sometimes that makes you a target. But the thing is, if I shut up or pretend to like things I don’t, then I’m letting those same people silence me.

The trick of course is, learning to pick your battles. Which isn’t about picking the ones you think you’ll win but rather picking the ones that are worth fighting for, regardless of whether you’ll win or not. And that is also a work in progress

The second thing about yesterday was a reminder of how important it is that I ground truth my own reality I spent a good amount of time with a bunch of women I love and trust and who believe in me and support me. And being reminded of that makes all the difference in the world. And how lovely it is to just be with people you can admire and enjoy and appreciate with no negativity at all. I really really need to spend more time with my friends – they are awesome.

I had a third, maybe, light bulb moment. I decided that I was going to wear one of my new dresses that I bought online. And I realised that these were knee length so I would need some tights to wear with them since it’s colder than all get out here of late. So I bought tights on Friday and was very pleased to note I have gone down a size in tights. So I dressed up in my new dress and tights and heels and also I wore my new contacts and did my makeup (since I could now see my eyes to put eye make up on). And as I stood waiting for the train I realised that I felt really good about myself. I wear my contacts and make up when I feel good about myself, rather than to make myself feel good about myself.

So in thinking about this, I realised that I have been feeling bad about myself because I have not lost any weight in Round 2 of the 12 WBT. My goal was to lose about 6kgs or possibly 8kg and instead I have plateaued. And some weeks I’ve stuck really well to the food and exercise and some only partly, maybe to one or the other, but as the lack of results have continued, I’ve lost enthusiasm. And Michelle would say, but this is where it gets interesting because here is where you learn things about yourself. And yes, it’s true, I get my enthusiasm for anything when I can see results and progress.  It’s easy to get deflated and lose interest and confidence when you work hard at something and you don’t see any payoff.

With TPP, I always tell myself that I’m playing the long game and I just need to dig in and double my efforts. As I was thinking about it yesterday I thought about how if I hadn’t been on the program this round, I most certainly wouldn’t have at least maintained weight. I would most certainly have gained. But then I thought through how Michelle is always saying that you should see the other results, things that change on the inside. And I realised that I am halfway to my goal. And I’ve still lost 10kg. And there I was wearing a brand new dress in a smaller size and showing my knees for the first time in possibly 10 years. I was back to feeling good about myself so that I put effort in and wore contacts and did my makeup. I was back to starting to feel good in my own skin and who I am. And having fun with dressing up and presenting an image to the world instead of hoping to just be invisible. And how can that be anything other than results, and a win to be celebrated? How could I think getting to halfway to my goal was anything other than something to be proud of?  I realised this is part of how I sabotage my own success when I constantly see the glass as half empty when it’s really half full. And that is something I need to think more deeply about.